My heart is breakin' in front of me...


07-06-03

~This love has taken it's toll on me...~

I'm shaking so badly right now. I've been up since noon watching cheesy romantic comedies on TBS. It's now 4:24pm...I was up making some lunch and my mom comes in and says, "oh, I completely forgot. Tim called this morning. There was a message on the answering machine." I was like, "what!? you're kidding! How could you forget about something like that???" I really didn't believe her. I had to hear the message for myself. Sure enough, he called. And I'm freaking out. I assume he got my letter...I want to call him back, but my hands are shaking...I don't think I could dial the phone if I tried. I honestly have no idea how I'm typing. I'm just...shocked that he called I guess. I wasn't expecting it. I thought...I don't know what I thought. So I'm going to sit here for a few more minutes, and smoke like a chimney before I even attempt to call him. I need to calm down.

~I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain...~

Okay, still shaking...I called him. Caught him at a bad time I guess. He was about to leave. He told me to call him back tomorrow night. It's better than nothing right? I don't know what to think right now. I've had one of those lonely days...watching these horrible movies about losing love and then finding it back in the most crazy, romantic, impossible ways. I know that this is the final step towards closure with Tim. It's just been a hard road to get here. Sometimes I wonder if that's what I really want. Sometimes I wonder if one of those crazy romantic impossibilities were to happen...if I'd fall in love with him all over again. I've thought about it...a lot. And I don't know. During the conversation I had with my mother the other night that ended with me bawling, she asked me that. I just didn't know how to answer, so I gave her a song lyric. "I just don't get enough to believe that we've both changed." That's the truth. I highly doubt that situation would ever come about but that would be my answer. *sigh* I feel extremely exposed and awkward now. I really wanted to talk to him. I'll try not to dwell on it until tomorrow night but I'm sure I'll be freaking out. I'll just have to try and consentrate on my job search. Maybe I'll get back to writing my book. This might just be the inspiration to get passed my writers block. As for now, I think I'm gonna play some spider solitaire. Eh...we'll see.

~Well I saw fireworks from the freeway and behind closed eyes I cannot make them go away cause you were born on the forth of July freedom ring...~

11:49pm

Yes, I'm still awake. It's not that late yet so it's okay. I was just reading some old posts from when I moved back. Damn I was depressed. I really wish I hadn't said a lot of those things. I think I was extremely fucked up and confused...and drunk most of the time. That was rough. I also noticed how much I talked about not wanting to date around...and then I did. I swear, if I had a dime for everytime I've contradicted myself...I could pay my car insurance right now! I was just thinking about playing some playstation. After playing sega with Steve the other night...I got the itch. I also thought about watching my Incubus dvd but the more I thought about it, the more I decided it would be so much better if I was f'd up. So I think we'll hold off on that one. I got a few more paragraphs typed up for my book. You may think I'm only kidding but I'm really writing a book. It's proving to be a little harder than I thought it would but...it's coming along. I sent Jess an e-mail the other night asking him to critque the first few parts. Haven't heard from him. But he's always busy on the weekends. So he'll probably read it tomorrow night at work.

~Is this real or am I dreaming?~

I forgot to mention that I didn't go to TJ's last night. I went out to pick up a pack of smokes and called him...thinking I could just run out there for a bit since I was out already. He was like, "you should come over later. Nobody's coming over until 3" He was chilling with this girl who hates me. Back during the "whatever" phase, he was hanging out with her quite a bit. She hated me or something because he would stand her up for me. So stupid. I didn't hate her. I didn't really care. But he was like, "you probably don't want to come over now cause she's here." I think TJ gets a kick out of thinking girls are fighting over him. Too bad it's not like that at all. I just wanted to hang out...be there as a friend if he needed to talk about the crap with Pat's girlfriend. I don't think he gets it yet. I'm just a friend. Always have been JUST a friend. Anyhow, he said, "well, I'm gonna call you at 2:30am and wake your ass up so you can come over." I said, "sure TJ. I'll be waiting patiently by the phone." hahaha. Silly...I did happen to be up at that time. I was up until 7am working on my book. Didn't realize how late it was until mom woke up at 4am. Surprise! He didn't call. He's still the same old TJ that I know and love. It's good to know you have reliable friends. Even if reliable means you know that when they say they're going to call you they definately won't. (laugh)

~Bleed me an ocean...~

So along with doing lots of other little things today, I re-read the draft of the letter that I sent to Tim. I guess I was trying to prepare for whatever it is we're going to talk about tomorrow night. That's also part of the reason I went back and read those old posts. Just to remind myself how I felt then. Whether or not I feel that way now. I guess I've been sorting through all those thoughts so I don't make myself sound like a fool when I finally do get the chance to speak my mind. I wasn't thinking when I sent him the letter that he'd actually try to contact me. I left him the option...I guess I just assumed it would be ignored just like the e-mails and such. So I wasn't ready for this part. Needless to say, it'll be interesting. HEY! I was going to go play nintendo! I forgot...so ya, I'm done now.

~In my place, In my place were lines I couldn't change and I was lost oh ya. I was lost I was lost. Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed. I was lost oh ya.~

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