Just one of a many find...


07-03-03

~we'll meet again someday...~

Much too busy yesterday to update. Much too busy because Laurie and I went job hunting. Dropped off a few resumes. I wasn't very impressed with people. Quite frankly, I think I've lost whatever I used to have. My confidence...my ambition. I went out and tried to be that talkative people person and ended up shying away. I don't know what's happened to me these past few months but I just don't have it anymore. People piss me off. I get extremely aggrivated really easy. I mean, we went to the mall so I could drop a resume at the book store and so Laurie could drop hers off with this portrait studio. The people at the book store didn't give me a second glance while Laurie got an interview. That upset me a little. But what made it worse was that she was in this interview for an hour and a half while I waited and walked around by myself. That wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't run into mall security Mark. As soon as she walked away, I ran into him. I wasn't going to stop and talk to him at all. But as I was walking past, he ran to catch up with me so I just stopped right there and dealt with it.

~I wonder wonder which one of us is gonna state the obvious.~

Mark is...this security guy who started around the time that I took over Journey's. Now when you work in a smaller store in the mall, security checks up on you quite a bit. Maybe it's just if you're a pretty girl and work in the mall...I don't know. I had made it pretty clear to most of the security guys that I didn't need help because there was no theft in my store. For cryin out loud, I could see every inch of the store from anywhere that I stood. There was no way anyone could get away with anything. But Marty, Chad and Mark would stop by quite often just to chat. This was also about the time that I was dating Tim (the second time) He was never around (cause he was in CT) so no one believed that I had a boyfriend. From what I had heard, Mark had a girlfriend. But he would stop in the store on slow days and stand there and talk for an hour. I knew he had a crush on me. I knew I didn't have a crush on him cause he's one of those muscle guys...who spend too much time working out and not enough time using their important muscle (hahaha that sounds bad...I mean their BRAIN!). But one night, Carrie and I had plans to go see a movie. I think we'd talked it out with TJ (way before I even thought of TJ in any way other than a friend/employee) and he was going to let us in for free at the theater. We closed down the store, and had some time to kill. Dropped the deposit off and drove around for a bit...got bored. Then I thought it would be a good idea to drive around the mall parking lot to see if anyone was still there. That's when we ran into Mark. So I stopped and we all stood in front of the main entrance and talked for awhile. Carrie was joking around about the time that she stole Marks handcuffs and handcuffed herself to some random guy in the hallway so she could drag him in the store and convince him to buy socks. (those were good times) Anyhow, Mark proceeded to pull out the handcuffs in question and cuff me to himself. Then he started talking about handcuffing me to the desk in the security office?!?! I thought he was just joking...but as Carrie and I were about to leave for our movie, he invited me to come back afterward and meet him there. I said something like, "ya Mark. I'll be here at midnight." Obviously I didn't go back. I drove Carrie home and took myself straight home so I could call Tim. That wasn't the last time Mark had tried to get me to hang out with him. There were several invitations to meet him at this bar or that bar...even after I had bluntly told him that I was moving to Connecticut to live with my boyfriend. It didn't stop after I moved back home either. All these times I had said, "sure Mark, I'll think about stopping by after work but I'll probably be too tired." He just didn't take the hint. I think the first time I went to the mall after moving home, I ran into him and he invited me to hang out at the bowling alley. I didn't even show up then...and I was single. HELLO! So this time, we just stood there in the hallway. I said something like, "shouldn't you be getting back to work. I don't want to get you in trouble just standing here and chatting it up." He said, "we're not chatting it up. Just saying hi." Then some old lady walked past and said, "you're doing a great job guarding that girl." So finally he realized that he WAS in fact "chatting it up". And he retreated. Thankfully without some stupid invitation.

~and your rich brown eyes, your lips and your dark hair. Elbows and exposed knees tossin' toward your ceiling...~

That's what I did while I waited for Laurie. Walked around and made my feet hurt...ran into Mark...ran into Adam and Chip. (that didn't bother me) Then I gave up and sat down outside the entrance we'd come in. It was hot...and I was out of smokes...but I sat there for 45 minutes while a couple of ladies from one of the shitty mall jewelry stores sat down next to me on their cigarette break and rubbed the fact that I was out in my face. By that point, I was irritated. It wasn't Laurie's fault, she didn't know the interview would last that long. But when she finally came out, I was frustrated with the job search and had decided to give up for the day. So we came back here...with plans to just chill for the rest of the day and go swimming at her parents.

~do I hold my breath and count to 10 or will it be 3? We'll see, we'll see. It depends on which day of the week.~

When we walked in, my dad was sitting in the living room watching tv. He said hello and Laurie said, "we had a successful day of job hunting!" It was nice of her to have my back like that. But he looked directly at me and said, "so where are you working?" Which confused me so he said, "did you have any interviews? Where are you working?" So on top of my frustration with myself, he just added to it. I said, "I dropped off resumes dad. You expect me to have a job immediately???" Then he says, "well, you weren't successful then were you?" THIS is why my father pisses me off. THIS is why I blamed my anxiousness to move out of the house on him. THIS is why it's always been better if he and I just didn't speak to each other. So I stomped off in my best angsty teenager impression and said, "fuck you" under my breath. Nice huh? For the rest of the day yesterday, I vented to Laurie about how much of an asshole he's been my whole life and then we went back to her place..."escaped" the days troubles, then passed out. She drove me home this morning sometime around 8am. Where I proceeded to pass out again and slept until 2 or 3 this afternoon.

~and if I die well at least I tried...~

Ya, so fuck job hunting for the rest of this week. Even though I know dad will be on my case about it. I've had 2 more replies to my resume on monsterjobs. Nothing worth looking into. It's all commision based door to door type shit. But I sent a message back to one guy. We'll see. I applied on-line for a job at Enterprise car rentals. They sent me an e-mail saying they'd review my information blah blah blah. Stupid. Tomorrow is the 4th...and Laurie is having a bit of a party at her house. Some guys from Pepsi are coming over...Steve's buddies. Nicole and Casey will be back. I think I'm gonna call a few people. And we'll all walk over to Faurot Park for the fireworks. It'll be a good time. I hate holidays like this though. I just went back and read some old entries from this time of year in 2001. It seems like I'm always fucking up...I was going through the Mike (girlfriend stealer) situation with Kyle. But Kyle was in Tennesee and I was alone on the 4th. I don't even remember what I did for the 4th in 2002 because I had sworn off this stupid internet bullshit. I think I was with Tim at the time...I don't remember if I was with Tim or Kyle. That's so sad. But I spent the 4th alone I believe. Which is why it would make sense thinking I was with Tim. He would have been in CT. But I find that I'm always alone on holidays like this. You know what's awesome though??? Feeling like hell and then turning around to see Jason Mraz on VH1 talking about Rick Springfield while wearing his pink Springfield t-shirt. Mraz is a savior.

~and it's ok if you had to go away. Just remember the telephones well they work in both ways. And if I never ever hear them ring, well if nothing else I'll think the bells inside have finally found you someone else and that's ok.~

I've been a bit curious today...wondering if Tim has received my letter yet. Wondering if he read it or threw it away. Wondering if he'll respond. I wanted to call and see...but it's been less than a week. And I doubt it's there yet. Or maybe just arriving. Maybe he'll get it on Monday. I hate the postal system. It's too slow. It's just uncomfortable knowing that I sent my inner-most feelings out into the hands of strangers so that they'll hopefully be given to the right person at the right time. What I really hope is that he'll call me after reading it and things will be okay. I've thought a lot lately about just driving out there. Talking it out with mom...maybe making her come with me. And just taking off to reclaim my ablity to be in control. So I can see him once more and remember that it was my choice to leave. It was my choice to end it. So I can take what's mine and move on. Rather than going back and forth with it...than fighting the idea that he's a completely different person. Because he's not. I am. I don't know, I hate being in this in between stage with people. I hate not knowing what's next for me.

~I, well I seen a thousand things in one place but I stopped my counting when I saw your face.~

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