01-18-01 Thursday

~If you could only see...~

Let me set the mood for you. I've changed my surroundings. I didn't feel like leaving this beautiful candlelit atmosphere I've created in my bedroom. I was so tired…almost asleep in my bed with candles (they smell so wonderful) and with sad music playing. Not sure why I went for sad music. I was listening to Harvey Danger. (there are about 4 songs that I actually like on that album. 3 of them are slow and sad and the 4th is well, flagpole sitta.) Anyhow, I thought maybe I should type up an entry since I don't really feel like reading anything that I have to have read by Tuesday (plenty of extra time to procrastinate) So I'm sitting at my laptop. (which isn't hooked up to the internet…so I'll have to save this to disk and take the disk into the back later and cut and paste what I'm typing. But it's better than sitting back in that cold room for hours…being harassed by some random person on ICQ) I know I know…so turn ICQ off. I can't do that b/c there's always a possibility that Jesse will be on. I hadn't talked with him for awhile…then yesterday, he came on and responded to my information about the business trip. It seems as though I won't be meeting him. I guess Jesse is a very busy boy. I told him he didn't have to tell me why if he didn't want to (I hate to pry into someone's life…when I don't REALLY know them…I make an exception with my journal though…I offer all this information openly.) Anyhow, he's big time Captain Radio Shack PC Super Dude or something. And he's got work up to his knees. That sucks. For him…I mean…I'm sure if somewhere down the road that I'm supposed to meet Jesse…then it'll happen. I'm not gonna be like, "Too damn bad PC Boy! You're gonna meet me and I don't care if you don't have time." Not my call. Though I am a bit disappointed. But what can a girl do? I'll tell you what.

~Maybe you would understand why I feel this way about our love and what I must do~

A girl can go to a local branch college and fall in love with all the good looking boys that strut around like they're hot shit. A girl can get a little stir crazy and maybe even a bit hyper (like today for example) and flirt with those boys. Or yesterday even. I told Eisa today in poetry, that Lisa's thing with Brad is just…frustrating me. It really shouldn't be. It's her crush…but it's rubbing off on me…and everytime I turn around, Mr. Brad is standing there with that cute little chin and those big doe eyes. UGH! Anyhow, I told Eisa that I've been (quite possibly) annoying Lisa by my flirting problems. Maybe if I flirt enough, it will annoy her so much that she's forced to say something to him. I don't know what my motives are exactly. But yesterday, after choir Lisa, Brad, Chris, and I were standing in the hall. Lisa was talking to Chris...and they were saying their good-byes. Chris gives Lisa a hug and turns around like he's gonna leave. So I kind of cleared my throat and said, "I don't get one?" (gotta get any lovin' I can right?) So he apologized and gave me a hug. Then Lisa's like, "well then, I'm gonna have to hug you again. I get the last hug." It's another one of those silly competition things with girls. (One of the many reasons why I rarely hung out with girls in high school) So I'm like, "fine then…I'll just have to get a hug from Brad." So I turn to him and he opens his arms…but it really…it was like a one armed…unhug. So I backed up…I think I almost felt offended. So I kinda smacked him and said, "That was a sucky ass hug." And he gave me another one…only the second time…I almost fell over. Sterns was coming around the corner and made some rude comment. Like, "remind me never to hug Brad." Lisa and I get outside, and she (jokingly) said, "bitch" (cause we call each other bitches all the time) It was pretty funny actually. Then today…we were sitting on a table out in the same hallway right before choir, and Brad comes up…says, "you want your tape back?" and I said, "well are you done with it?" and he's like, "ya I know it…I can play it." And I'm like, "wow the whole thing?" he said not exactly the whole thing…there are some pretty crazy parts toward the end of the song. I'll give him that much. And I'm no guitar specialist or anything. But Nuno (the guitar player from Extreme) plays a 12 string accoustic. That just sounds frighteningly complicated to me. Anyhow, I said, "well you're gonna have to play it for me sometime" seeing as it IS my favorite song and all. And he didn't respond. And so I said, "unless you don't want to." Then he turned around and said sure…he would. About the same time, Danny walked past (grinned and waved…I had said hi and given him a hug earlier) He turns the corner, and Lisa's like, "he's gay." And I of course jump to his defence. I'm like, "no he's not gay." And Brad says, "he's gay." Like either of them would know. If I didn't know any better, I would join in with the Posse boys (while they make fun of Brad cause his hair is always perfect and he dresses nice) and say that Brad is gay. But I'm a nice person. (grin)

~All your metal armor drags me down. Nothing hurts like your mouth.~

So we went into the room choir was in, and I was standing with Lisa…Big D comes over, points at me and says, "you're in choir?" and I'm like, "uh ya" and then he looked at Lisa and pointed at me and says, "she's in choir?" and I'm like, "no…I just hang out with all the choir dorks for the fun of it" (that's wasn't an insult…cause I'd be insulting myself…hello) I thought it was funny. Then I look over and Sean (the skinny good looking guy...I realized, he kinda looks like Stevie) was sitting at the piano. I look at Lisa and say something about it. The next thing I know, this beautiful song echoes out of that same piano. I look over and Brad is playing away. I had half a mind to march myself over there and say something to the effect of, "you are no longer allowed to play musical instruments and or sing around me…for the following reasons. #1 you're already attractive…#2 you play and sing like I would imagine heavenly creatures sound…#3 it turns me on." But I didn't. I looked at Lisa, and she had the same look on her face. He's just so…ya. And yet again, I feel like a little groupie. All ear to ear grins and giggly. I suck. It's so pathetic.

~I cannot take this anymore. Saying everything I've said before.~

Chris was sick today. Unfortunately. He sounded awful. All froggy and scratchy. I wanted to fetch some vicks vapo rub or something. Lisa and I drove all the way to Grove during my 2 and a half hour break. She skipped math. So we went to Lisa's and she ate…I checked my e-mail…then she busted out her tap shoes. Don't get me wrong…she's a wonderful dancer. but in all honesty, I'm a little jealous of her skills. I never did any of that stuff when I was a kid. I ran around the ghetto and got bruises and played with Barbies. I was a poor kid in the not so bad…bad part of my town. My parents wouldn't even let me join the girl scouts. I didn't play sports. I was all imagination…me and Trisha. We hung out at the gas station down the street and bought lottery tickets illegally. The guys who worked there…couple of old bastards didn't care. We were there all the time. Or the Dairy Queen…or the car wash. We were goofy kids. It's funny. But I didn't do all the things that most girls did. Like ballet or whatever. I don't know…anyhow, ya. So we sped back just in time for choir. (I'm telling stories all out of order) I'm gonna jump back even farther to this morning when I was headed in at 7:30 am for history. I come up toward Reed Hall and see the Gator parked outside the front. And see the "grounds keeper" sweeping up cigarette butts. So I'm thinking…I bet it's Jon. I couldn't really tell. Carhart jacket, and a hat…looks like all those grounds keeper guys. I walked past him and said good morning. He said it back, and that was the give away. I know Jon's voice. So I turned around at the door. He kinda slowly raised his head. Realized it was me then said something about how I freaked him out and I asked if he thought I was just some random weird girl saying hi. And he said ya. It wasn't really good conversation. I couldn't think of anything else to say. So I escaped quickly into the building. He was working. I was bothering him. (or some other excuse) It's so ridiculous. Why couldn't I just fall head over heels for HIM. (b/c that's too simple)

~I've been losin' grip on what I used to hold. If I could get another chance, I'd put it in a zip-lock bag.~

So poetry was…making me sleepy. But I actually sat next to Eisa today. Amazing. And during our 5 minute break I was explaining the Brad thing and I was also explaining my lack of action…(for a LONG LONG time) and I said something about 3 guys in that class who I wouldn't mind…uh huh. Actually 4 but the 4th skipped out today. He was late for history, and skipped poetry. Anyhow, next thing I know, Prof Arbuckle says something about a "guest speaker". He was talking to her…and I heard it. The accent…and ya. He wasn't really a guest speaker. It was more like…guest reader. He was Scottish, and so she made him read a bunch of poems written by Scottish and Irish poets. Which…it WAS beneficial b/c those poems didn't really make much sense unless read with the proper accent. He was…I don't know, late 20's early 30's. Not really a drop dead type. But he was extremely intelligent (he's a chemist on campus…I assume works in the science building…no wonder I've never seen him before. I don't go in there) and when he smiled, his eyes lit up. He was funny…and that accent. Man…I need to get out more. This is terrible. (And I hope Mr. John Paul whoever…that signed the guestbook loves this entry!) Hmm, so after I got out of there, I came home and made my brother come with me to the mall to pick up my check and get it cashed. We get there…Shannon has 9 million stories to tell me…including just how much bigger her belly has gotten and each and every outfit she misses being able to wear. (she's pregnant) Finally get the check cashed and at the last minute decided to go to James house and get Matthew's video game back. Well, we were there…til about 6:30 or so. James and I…I don't even know how it happened. We got into this HUGE wrestling match. He pins me down and says, "who's the winner" you know…that kinda crap. So I'd wiggle out of it…he asked if I gave up…about 90 million times. But I didn't. It was like all my aggression…all my frustration…taken out on James. Honestly don't think I could do it again if I tried. But it went back and forth…eventually ending with my knees embedded in his ribs. I can't say I didn't have any outside help either. Goo, Andrew, Matt, and I think his name is Nate…were all hitting James in the ass with those canes they have at the fair. I was hit a few times. (cross fire) My head smashed into the wall. My face smothered with a pillow. My wrists raw from James hands and my watch and bracelets. I head butted him. Seriously. It was like him behind me and I couldn't move my legs or arms. So I threw my head back and blasted him in the forehead. Gotta keep em on their toes. It was all out war. From the floor to the bed. On top of his weights…off the walls. He asked me when I got so flexible. Then all the other guys made their own comments…and one of the topics was my lack of putting out. Sorry. I just don't. They all left James and I by ourselves (I was sitting on him) and he said, "I really don't know why you don't have a boyfriend at college." Hmmm, I'd like to pretend it's their fault. All those boys at the branch really don't know what they're missing (and that very well could be part of it) but it's probably because when they see me, I'm curled up in a chair with a notebook scribbling poetry. I don't hang out with them…obviously, I'm too busy beating the snot out of my ex-boyfriend.

~We'll have problems ya then we'll have bigger ones.~

HOME
CONFLICTS

Email: holyrevelry@hotmail.com