02-03-01 Saturday

~Motivate me, I wanna get myself outta this bed. Captivate me, I want good thought inside of my head.~

noon
I'm trying to clear my head and decide just what it was exactly that I wanted to say here. Too many distractions...MTV Snowed in is on...muted cause it's celebrity dream date with Soul Decision. Good Charlotte is humming quietly from the computer speakers. That's not how you should listen to them...but everyone is asleep. There's a lot to say actually but I can't decide what should come first. I always talk about things in this mixed up confusing order. So I'll try and straighten it out. Well, I had a really weird dream last night. But the only part I remember was stretching out my ear piercing with this little plastic elephant. I pulled it through my ear hole. (very strange) And that of course is impossible...but hell, it was a dream. Ya, at least it wasn't the cinnamon poptart dream. Anyhow, I'm sure that's not what anyone wants to hear about. I'll just tell you about my Friday. Here goes.

~...you say I'm selfish and absurd. You try to change me, try to save me, you say I'm gonna learn~

So I got up early cause Lisa was coming over to get me. The idea was, we were going over to the campus to crash Jason's "hip-hop" class. Not really crash...but join in. She calls me at about 11:30, and says, "I promised my mom I wouldn't drive today. Cause the streets are bad" (school wasn't delayed or cancelled) I look outside, and the roads are clear, the sun is shining. So we made a new plan. I went to get her. Drove a half an hour to Grove. (the streets were fine, the worst part of the drive was the wind. It's been bitter cold outside for the past few days) We headed back and went to the school. Walking past the science building, I see a gator sitting outside the door. I'm like, "ya I bet Jon's over there" I look over, and see him. The last thing I wanted was to have another awkward moment with him. So Lisa and I picked up the pace. Next thing I know, I hear the gator noise coming up behind us (cause campus is SO big, those grounds keeping boys have to wheel around in a golf cart-like tractor thing that sounds like a moped) Then all of a sudden, BEEP BEEP!!! I jumped and put my hands over my ears. Turn and look at Jon, and he's laughing his ass off. So I waved and we practically ran into the back door of Reed Hall. We go in, and NO ONE is there. (with the exception of weird Dave and some hot guy on crutches) The lobby was barren. So we figured we'd check the basement at Galvin. (aka Commons) On our way over there we see Sterns coming out of the Public Service Building. I yell over to him and ask where everybody is. He's like, "Well, Brad's in the PSB, and I haven't seen Woten. But he's probably at the Commons." I was like, "well where is Jason?" He didn't know. So we walked over to the PSB looking for Brad. Did we find him? No. Then we went to Commons...no one. So we headed back to Reed. Found Sterns in the lobby (alone) and said he was a great big help. He told us Brad was in an interview for a job...so why did he just say he was in the PSB before (ya, he was there...but we wouldn't have worried about it if we'd known he was in a job interview) He said none of them had class again until 1:30pm. So we decided to take off for lunch. On the way to Hunan, Lisa said we should run to Chris' to see if he was at home. He was...and we hung out there for about a half an hour. He played a few songs for us. Told us that they only do hip-hop classes on Tuesday and Thursday. Then Jason picked him up for class. I think he was surprised to see us there. Then we went to Hunan, got take out, and went back to Grove and watched Passions. Lisa had to go to musical practice at 3, so I ran to the mall to see about an ensamble for the date. Ya...spent too much money. Then I came home to find Dale had called me already. (sigh) So I called him back. And he busts out with 20 questions again. 1st it was all about how Snatch isn't playing tonight...so what other movie do you wanna see? (finally we decided on Head Over Heels) Then it was, well, do you want to eat first then go to the movie??? Or do you want to wait to eat? Is there anything else you want to do? Ugh...But he came to get me at 7pm. The movie was at 7:45. So we were early. Struggling through conversation...talking about the same things we talked about on the phone the other night. The movie was good. It was pretty funny. Then we went to Applebees. Yet again...conversation was...thin. Just the same things over again. He said something about how Channie thought it was odd. (his sister) And she brought up all the old stuff we used to do to him. We made up a song about him...a LONG time ago called the "Dildo Dale song" and she remembered it...(well parts of it) So we talked about all the teasing...and hmmm, that was it. We get done...and he's like, "well what else did you want to do? The mall is closed, we could walk around Meijer." ya...no. I suggested we go bother Channie and Aaron. Ya, that wasn't such a good idea. We stood there in her room while Channie and Aaron tickled each other and practically make out the whole time. I should have known. She asked me how the date went. I wanted to bitch about the conversation...but I said it was better than Crazy Jon. Then he drove me home at about midnight. I thanked him. (tried not to pull a Crazy Jon) I think I said something along the lines of, "thank you for dinner and the movie, and all the door opening. You shouldn't do that...don't spoil me. I don't deserve it. But we'll have to get a hold of Tyler and go dancing. I wanna see your lack of rhythm (we've talked about this) then I opened the door. And he asked if he could call me next week. I said sure. But I didn't know my work schedule. So I might not be home. Ya, like I said before, at least he tried to talk to me. But I just...I'm comparing it to what I really want...and it's getting better everytime I try. But it's not quite up to par. Dale is a nice guy. And he's good looking. But that's not the only thing that I'm looking for. He reminds me a lot of my little brother. Which is good in a way. Cause it makes me feel better about Matt. Maybe he won't turn out so bad after all. But ya. It's easier to find flaws...Yes, I have a problem with being too picky.

~Today I'll give it one last try and then I'll know I'll wonder why I did it to myself once again~

I just...I want more than what I deserve. I want more than what Jon offers. That purity...that innocence, the goofy hijinks. I want more than what Dale has...that gentleman door opening...that comfortable sense because I've known him and hung out with his sister. I want the butter conversations. I want the flirty way Jesse tells me I've got great legs (even though he's only seen pictures) I want the pants story...and the little boy grins. I want the guitar serenade, and the excellent style. I want original conversation with wit and sarcasm. I want to make fun of him and not be taken seriously. I want to wrestle and argue and just sit at home and watch movies.I don't want boys to pay for me...I make my own money. (although it was nice) I hate dating.

~when I speak from my heart you laugh like it's a game. Well this aint no game.~

So I got up this morning. and found mom and dad being unusually civil at the kitchen table. Dad is like, "you want an omelet?" (he's never been able to make them...he's been trying for years) So I'm like...uh sure. He starts pulling out all kinds of "tools" or so he called them. And makes me a ham and cheese omelet. It was great. So we all sat at the table and talked about...my date..."what time did you get in last night?" and about my promotion. I guess dad didn't know I'm being promoted in April. He seemed impressed. I love that feeling. Then mom decided to go back to bed. And dad and I sat there and talked...it was cool. It's rare that those sorts of things happen around here. So here I am. Everybody went to bed...again. And Matt is asleep...he had a sleepover. I came in last night and told the boys not to date. heh heh. ya. Tonight is the great bowling bash for Kim. I'm excited about that. Bonding with co-workers...YA! so I'm gonna veg...watch some tv for awhile. yup.

~you taught me how to understand the things that poeple do...and I thank you, I'll always thank you. More than you would know than I could ever show.~

HOME
CONFLICTS

Email: holyrevelry@hotmail.com