02-03-00 Thursday

Cancelled again... yes... again. but before I start to complain about that, I'd like to flip back to Tuesday night.

~I wanted to find something, to be something, to see something.~

I called Dan. sometimes I find myself wondering why I like him. Then after I talk to him, I completely understand. He and I connect. It's strange, and I feel odd admitting it. but... we talk about things that I wouldn't consider talking about with very many other people. and we talk about things that no one else would care about but us. and when my friends question my feelings, I can't even begin to explain to them. But for cryin' out loud, I shouldn't be thinking about him. He has a girlfriend. We even talk about her sometimes. I guess she told him he takes things to seriously. It's putting a bit of a strain on their relationship. Not that I'm trying to sabotage it... but what can I say??? I'm rooting for the strain.

~It's too far away for me to hold.~

We went back to school on Wednesday, and needless to say, it didn't blow up. but... the middle school had a bomb threat, and they all came over to the high school gymnasium for an hour at the end of the day. This is getting ridiculous. C'mon people! Grow up.

~Hideaway, take me now. I cannot face another round.~

I convinced Laurie to go to youth group last night. We were standing in the parking lot after school, and I asked if she would go. She said no because she was tired of being asked. So I said, "I don't want you there anyway. Don't go." So she went. All it takes is a little reverse psychology. It was the perfect night though. (for her) I think the topic really meant something to her. It got her thinking. I'm glad. We were all in tears by the time it was over. I'll just say... it reinforced my decision. Afterward, we all went to Arby's like usual. I'm not too happy about that. it was ok I suppose. but I left less than satisfied. I'm ALWAYS less than satisfied. I'm disappointed in myself.

~The one I needed I abuse. More color for the bruise~

So, yes, we got cancelled again today. For the weather hopefully. I have no idea why exactly. All I know is that I got plenty of extra sleep. I needed it. I always need sleep. (not really) I stayed up last night to watch Roswell. (mom recorded it for me while I was at youth group. I love my mommy.) so I did need it this morning.
And today, I've done a whole lot of nothing. I checked my mail. Jen seems to be having a butt load of problems. I just don't know what to tell her. I have no clue how she could possibly feel. I'd like to comfort her and say everything's going to be ok, but it's not so easy when she's there and I'm here. As long as she knows I love her to pieces and I am here if she really needs me.
Well, I should work on my new project. I'm going to try and put together a poetry section so everyone can spy into the deepest depths of my mind. (are you scared yet???)

~and in this darkness I am tossing, turning, lying wide awake. Hold my
breath, wish that I could find a place to hideaway.~

HOME
CONFLICTS