02-22-01 Thursday

~This drama is a bore and i don't wanna play no more.~

Ah to be liberated! Free from unecessary fights. Lisa and I had a talk. Well, we didn't have a talk until after she wrote me a letter. (it wasn't very appealing either) And I wrote her back, and she wasn't happy with some of the things I said. We basically agreed to disagree. (that's a line from the scene in my theatre class) She understands our differences better, and I don't expect so much from her. And we've both come to the realization that fighting over a boy is about the most ridiculous thing two people can fight over. Especially when it's Brad. Cause he has no feelings for any of us, and I was crazy to think it was possible. Instead of trying to force solid friendship on people who are afraid of me...laugh...not exactly afraid. It's changed though. It was extremely hostile, and now...it's not so much. Just a little tense sometimes. That's why I've gone back to my old routine. The people I know and love. And it's a lot better. Healthier for me to spend time with Nicole and James. Last night at youth group...here we go.

~So I think I'll keep walkin' with my head held high. I'll keep movin' on. And only God knows why.~

I stopped in at the store to drop off a copy of Good Charlotte that I burned for Kyle. (burned one for the Verizon guys...but they weren't around) And I ended up inviting him to come to Arbys after he got off work. I of course would have to pick him up at about 9:20 but that's fine. The church is around the corner from the mall, and Arby's is across the street from it. So I went to church, and felt so much better. Ugh I can't even describe how good it felt to be there. And James...I've missed him. And I gave him a huge hug. He misses me too. Which is good. Because that tells me that I mean something to him. And he means a lot to me. But it's bad. cause I feel bad for not being around lately. Kip is starting a whole series of Wednesday nights...that we'll be talking about dating, friendship, and relationships. And it was...always is perfect timing. Since I've had this fall out with the group of people I talk to at school. (I'm trying not to consider them friends...there are a few that I consider closer than others...but I expect WAY too much from friends.) Anyhow...ya, it was helpful. And it also explained a lot in respect to my situation with Kyle. Gave me a few really good things to think about before I go jumping into anything with anyone. And I'm gonna try and find this book Kip was talking about. It sounds interesting. The night was so helpful. Seriously. And it was funny, James sat next to me, and he held my hand through the whole first part of the night. Nicole held the other one. And it was like a security blanket. I needed that. I don't think they realized how much it meant. I rushed over to Arby's when youth group was over. So I could stuff a sammich in my gut and run back to the mall to get Kyle. That's pretty much what happened. Little interruptions...from this guy in a red sweatshirt...I have no idea what his name is, but when James was in the store the other day, I guess this guy was too, and James knows him...I guess they hung out together way back when. (hung out...uh right) but he's really...social, looks to be about 12, but James says he's 21 or something. College guy. He asked me questions...about Gadzooks, and if I still work there. And he mentioned the shirt I was wearing the day he was in the store. My prom queen shirt...and he said that I couldn't be the prom queen cause he was. Right...anyhow, he asked to borrow a napkin. And kept looking at me while I sat there by myself (everyone else was still in line getting food) and inhaled this sammich. He was a weirdo. So I bust out of there...right in time to get Kyle. And I figured it would be cool. Cause if he didn't want to hang around me and Nicole again...he could go talk to Matt, Colin, Ray, Kent, the rest of those boys. But surprisingly he stayed close the whole time. I guess I expected him to be all social butterfly. But he wasn't. Instead, he tripped me, and beat me up, and encouraged Kory to put cheese on my face. Ya. I like Kyle. And it's starting to show. Obviously. I said something like, "Kory! Kyle hit me." and he's like, "uh ya. It's called flirting. And you're doing it too." uh oh. That's the last thing I needed to hear. Now I feel like it should be more. And I can't do that. First of all, yes, he's 16. Which isn't so much a problem (even though when I was in high school, I refused to go out with anyone younger than me...and gave in for a junior my senior year) but he's 3 whole years younger. And in a completely different point in his life. I don't want to interrupt the process of maturation. But I don't want to ruin the chance that he and I could be good...so I've been letting things go the way they go. So when Kory said that, I was like, "OH! dammit. you're not allowed to acknowledge the fact that I'm flirting! It's supposed to be sly." But whatever. Nobody said anything. He, Nicole and I went to Meijer afterwards, and had fun there. (it's always fun to just dink around in Meijer) then I drove him home cause his dad paged him. He was late. oops. That's another problem. I'm a big college girl. No curfews...stay out late if I want. And he has to be home early. Not as early as I did when I was his age (oh I did not just say that!) but ya. Like I said before. It's just gonna go the way it goes. I'm not going to let it bother me...even though I really...I wanted him to...I don't know...I beginning to want more. And I think I'm asking too much too soon. I'm so needy dammit! And it sucks.

~she said I would not understand~

You know what else sucks. Having doubts about decisions I've made in the past. I don't know how many times I've thought it was a mistake for me to give up on James and I. And I've seriously thought that getting back together with him wouldn't be such a bad thing. Then I think about the rule. Don't make the same mistake twice. And the fact that we're such good friends now. And it took our breakup to show me how much he means to me...and it pulled us closer together. He said something last night. He asked me to marry him at church. (cause we were talking about marriage and such. I said that earlier) and then later at Arby's he kept saying something about making out with him. and part of me was thinking...Kyle is right here...and I'm starting to get pulled in by that. And I just don't want to mess up what we have. I think he's still got a lot of growing to do. And he'll think about things more if he just stays single and figures out what he's really looking for before he jumps into things. If he knows what he wants...no question. It'll come to him. And I'm learning that...the hard way.

~They say that every man bleeds just like me.~

I've stopped trying to perform for people. And I'm so much more grounded. So I'm thinking the fight was for a good reason. Honestly. I'm shocked at the dramatic change it caused in my behavior. And I'm glad. One thing, that Brad said the other day when he was looking at my photo album...He said that all my friends in these pictures are extremely animated. None of them just pose and smile. And it's the truth. I hate to say it, but I'm so proud of my group of friends. Everyone of those pictures has a story behind it. Most of the ones I've taken on campus do too. It just proves to me that I have a great circle, and I'm very grateful. That's what this fight taught me. That I shouldn't take these people for granted. I'm lucky.

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