02-01-01 Thursday

~forgot all about yesterday, rememebering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore.~

10pm
Wow it's been a busy week. It's been absolutely nuts. Just in the past few days, I think I studied more than I've ever studied in my life. I had my history mid-term this morning. Tuesday...2 hours, Wednesday...I studied for freaking 3 hours. But I still don't think I did very well. I don't know if I mentioned or not (it's been so long since I last updated) But I have a date tomorrow. It was strange. I was bored one night...clicking around. I got on spark and messaged a bunch of random guys. Then 10 million people started talking to me on ICQ. Including...ACE. ACE is a guy I went to high school with named Steven. But it wasn't him. His friend Dale was over at his house. They were watching dvd's or something. I know Dale, cause he's Channie's brother. I was best friends with Channie sophomore year. I used to drive both of them to school. Anyhow, he's all, "ya, I had a crush on you in high school, but I was too shy to say anything. But I'm not shy anymore. So how bout we go out some time." and I said sure. So ya. He called me. A day or two later, and talked...and talked. And we decided on dinner and a movie. (cause that's all there is to do in this place) He's insisting on paying. So...whatever. He called yesterday (Wednesday) when I was in the process of studying. I had the stereo blasting. Matt (little brother) was in here on the computer, and my parents were outside in my dad's workshop having a "talk" so I was the only one around to answer the phone. (general rule, my brother will rarely get up for the telephone) I didn't hear it until the answering machine kicked on. I ran out to the kitchen and heard Dale, "Hey Laura, it's Dale. Call me later" and I was like...sorry Dale...I've got a history exam. And I went back to my work. I prioritized. -I- the queen of procrastination, always searching for a reason not to study. It was like the heavens opened up, there was a bright light, and angelic music. VERY strange. Anyhow, I never called him back...and I figured he'd call today. I got stuck having to go into work (Ben called in sick) So I told mommy to tell Dale where I was and how to get a hold of me. He...came into the store, and bought 3 shirts. We finalized the plans. (dinner @ Applebees, then we're going to see Snatch) He comes into the store, and it was really funny. I don't know why. But as usual, Matt and Ray were greeting customers (neither of them work there) They get bored with walking aimlessly around the mall, so they often sit around in Gadzooks. Just talking to people. Speaking of talking to people, Matt talked me into buying him some peanut M&M's from Gramma's Kitchen (a little pantry thing full of candy that we have in the back for employees) And another thing. I don't think I've ever seen Matt so excited before. His band is going to be on Smash it or Trash it tomorrow night at 9pm. Everyone listen!!! I'm excited for him. They added spice to the evening.

~you take away if I give in, my life, my pride is broken~

11pm
Ok, so the craziest thing just happened. (notice the change in time) I was typing out that last...paragraph...whatever it was...more like ramble. And talking to Jesse on ICQ. We were having a silly conversation about how either or both of us could be 42 year old fat hairy men...so I called him. LONG distance. (we all know Jesse is from Michigan...northern Michigan) That was seriously...well not really...but pretty close to one of the craziest things I've ever done (which proves how ridiculously dull my life really is) not that calling Jesse was dull. I don't mean to compare it to that. It was insane. I have never had a conversation like that with a guy. Honestly, he's...too great. And this is a weird, unordinary way to meet a person (in my opinion) but I don't know what it is about him. Knowing my luck...he's quite possibly...that person I'm supposed to know and be with for a long time (I hate to put it any other way) and he's freaking 7 hours away. I don't know how it happened...but conversation was...close to perfection. We talked for maybe 15 minutes...maybe 20. About the strangest things. But I felt like I was actually involved in the discussion. I can't explain. But we talked about...butter. (that was kind of random...buttered plate of maccaroni and cheese) then everything was butter. It was quite comical. Definitely enjoyed every second. The first thing we talked about though, was how different we thought the other would sound. I don't know. But I expected a different voice. After I got used to it though and could picture that voice coming out of the images I've seen, then it was great. I'm honestly without words. (now that I've written a whole essay on the topic). Moving on.

~I want to be the face in the moon and watch the stars spin around your room.~

So lots of things have been going on in the good ol' lobby. Lots of things. Like my sudden coolness with Kristen. And the conversation we had the other day. We discussed the Posse and certain aspects about the posse that we weren't so happy about. Mainly the fact that it seems as though everyone makes such a big deal about it. You know...sometimes I feel a little left out because it's rare that I know about and or am invited to a posse event. But other than that...I don't really understand the posse, or it's glorious rules and regulations. We talked about how ridiculous it is that girls can't be in the posse. (the whole time, Sterns was listening to our conversation and he interrupted a few times...) Kris called herself a "posse groupie" which made me feel bad. I just can't lower myself to that. (even though at one point, before KC and Kris were around, Lisa, Aimee, and I named ourselves the "posse bitches") Anyhow, Sterns busts in with, "That's one of the posse's strict rules. Girls are allowed in the posse." This of course caught our attention. "We allow girls in the posse, but there's one stipulation. The only girls allowed in the posse are girls that none of the members have, do, or will be attracted to. So you two DEFINITELY can't be in the posse." I thought about it for a minute. Then elbowed Kris. He he. I took it as a compliment. Although he didn't specify which members may have or might find either of us attractive. Cause I could care less if Sterns thought I was hot. Ya, Sterns is a horny bastard. So he doesn't count. But then again, considering the range of tastes throughout the current posse members...I highly doubt any girls will ever join. (just for the simple fact that, knowing these boys, anything with the proper equipment is attractive. No offence. Not that I'm worried any of them will read this and take offence. But it's always a possiblity. Things I type don't come across the same way in my head. In other words, that was meant to be somewhat of a joke.) So after this big moment of honesty from Sterns, people started coming in for choir. Chris, Brad, Lisa, etc. Before Lisa showed up, Brad and Chris were both scarfing sammiches. (on this particular day...I happened to curl my hair. This was suddenly a big deal. Chris had mentioned earlier that, "hey, your hair is all...curly." um. ya. "it looks good.") But they were eating, then Brad turns to me, has the same sort of "something's different about you today" look on his face, and says it's nice. Out of nowhere...and through his sammich, Chris utters the word "balls". I assume he was speaking to Brad. But I'm a little lost on the meaning. It was just an odd time to say "balls". After Lisa came in, somehow, someone started talking about Valentine's Day. I can't say I've ever really enjoyed this holiday. But this year I'd decided to move past the idea that Valentine's is a "lovers holiday" and think of it as more of a friendly joy spreading thing. In other words, I, being my usual cheesy self, bought Crocodile Hunter Valentines. Like the ones that kids pass out in middle school. (more like elementary) But ya. I thought it was pretty clever. And Brad goes into this whole speech about how he hates Feb. 14th, and he's going to stay in bed ALL day. So my reasonable side takes over and says, "well, it's a Wednesday this year. So you'll have class." and he's all, "I don't care, I'm staying in bed! It's a stupid holiday that only makes me feel bad about myself, and I really don't want to come here and get some goofy 3rd grade Valentine cards. Which will only make me feel worse." I laughed...and whispered to Chris that I, of course, had goofy 3rd grade Valentine's. And he said something rude about it. Then as soon as Brad heard...he said, and I quote, "Lick my snatch". Then, to make matters worse, he elbows Sterns and says, "didya hear that? I said, 'lick my snatch'." I've never felt so much animosity towards someone. (that I can remember) I wanted to reach over and punish him for saying that to me. But it wasn't just saying it. It was the fact that he had to get props from Sterns for saying it. UGH. So after choir, Lisa and I walk out to my car. I wanted to tell her a few things. Including the conversation she had missed. So I fill her in on the reasons why we're prohibited from their posse-ness. (i like to make up words) but I definitely got the wrong reaction. She flew off the handle. Screaming about how she IS a posse member (only no) and how stupid the whole posse is (and I fully agree) and how Sterns is the devil, cause he's the one forcing all the other guys into being "the posse" and he's enforced the rules and regulations etc etc. It was just terrible. Cause I really had no intentions of pissing her off. She just misunderstood, got a little hatey. Slammed the car door, and left. We talked about it later. And I explained...so it's all back to same ol' same ol' again. Then...today, we're all in the lobby again. I'd been talking to Lisa. She was feeding me Jelly Bellies and informing me of her vast knowledge in Survivor trivia. Then in walks Brad. (i was sitting on a table that's pushed against a railing in the lobby. Hard to explain) but he just walks right over and sits down next to me. Not just next to me though. Like...shoulder to shoulder. So close, not even oxygen molecules could fit between us. I look at Lisa (who was standing in front of me) and she looks at me...both with the confused "ok that's just strange" eyebrow thing. I looked over at him (noticed a scar he has on his nose...by his nose) and said, "howdy". And he just joined the conversation. Lisa and I talked about this on the phone a bit ago. About how Brad can be all chummy one day, and a prick the next. VERY annoying. I never know what to expect. But I suppose it's a guy thing. (boy logic) When other guys are around, they try to impress them, and tend to say things that generally aren't considered nice.

~in my heartsent, my confession, my condolence. You're indefinite, you're incompetent, inconsiderate. You're so childish.~

I still...I'm stuck on my phone call with Jesse. Everytime I think about it...it's like instant grin. Ahhh, (that was a sigh not a scream) He's just...he compliments me everytime we talk. (which until now was based around ICQ) and he's very honest. Very direct. One thing he did say though, "you know, now that we've talked on the phone, we're gonna want to do it again." No joke. And both of us talk about meeting each other. That's gonna be the big factor. It'll happen eventually. I'm determined. The one thing I'm surprised about though (and I'm totally changing the subject) I haven't been nervous at all. (about the date tomorrow) It's seriously the complete opposite of the Jon thing. Jon didn't talk to me. Dale talks quite a bit. Jon made me nervous...just because I was afraid I'd do something to scare him. (Mr. I'm gonna be a youth pastor, and I'm jumping out of your car before you get a chance to say thank you and goodnight.) Dale and I talked for a few hours the other night. And I'm just...not nervous. But this is the other thing. Since my epiphany...(my decision to make priorities a priority...confusing???) I'm not so focused on settling with just anyone. And I'm not so focused on looking for that serious relationship. I'm very satisfied with testing the water. (casually dating) It's cool. I'm enjoying my accidental pimp status. Funny thing...two big black dudes told me that I'm sexy tonight at work. Jesse and I talked about this too. He has this theory that being complimented by black guys is the ultimate compliment for white women (although, I've been complimented often by them...ya Nicole...Laurie...you remember the car wash.) He also thinks that the ultimate compliment for a guy is to be hit on by a gay man. Because they're so picky. (well some are...but that's besides the point) He's got a pretty good argument there. And he said I was going to contemplate this all night. I think he's right.

~but while you're still here, i'll do anything, and I'll say all the things that you said you wanted to hear...the words inside my head are better than the words I've said as always...~

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