Personal Intensity

02-19-01 Monday Presidents Day

~I'm letting go of all I've held onto, I'm standing here until you make me move. I'm hanging by a moment here with you.~

I think after my episode on saturday night, the weekend could only get better. Told you about hanging out with Shannon on Saturday. (well technically Sunday morning) we both worked on Sunday (ya, I worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday so I better get a pretty fat check) And Kyle. I worked with him everyday this weekend, and honestly it's been great. I definietly enjoy hanging out at work with people I like and care about. So ya Sunday was pretty blah...cause the store is never really super exciting on Sundays. Verizon boys stopped in. Korey claims he's not bitter. I don't believe him. I think he's kinda upset with me still cause he figured out that I don't really like him like that, and I went on that "date" (I don't even consider it as such) with him, just to help a guy out in a rough situation. So ya, his bitterness just makes me want to bash things. I was glad when they left. I had fun with Kyle. He's so much fun. It's like little kids picking on each other. And I don't know. Shannon said on Saturday night...after Kyle asked me if I worked on Sunday..."he's got a thing for you Laura." And I denied it. Mostly because he's a very attractive boy. Also because he's a 16 yr. old attractive boy. But since I had this conversation with Shannon about how it doesn't matter the situation. Because it will happen with who it's supposed to happen with whether you like it or not. So I gave up fighting...and decided to just let things go the way they go. No more manipulation. Anyhow, he got off at 5 on Sunday and went home. I didn't think anything of it really. Cause I was tehre until 6. Nicole called and said she and Jon were bored. They wanted to do something. So I said I'd join in...(I've been so proud of myself for spending time with Nicole and everyone lately) Then at about 6:10, we had jsut closed the doors, and Shannon started to close out the cash register. She ran back to go to the restroom, and the phone rang. So here's me, "Thank you for calling Gadzooks, this is Laura how can I help you?" and I hear, "hey." and I'm like, "hi" and he says..."it's Kyle, what are you doing?" "Well, I'm closing why?" "Oh...what are you doing after?" and I explained the plans I'd made with Nicole and Crazy...and I invited him along. So Shannon comes out and says, "who was that?" and I told her it was Kyle, and that he's going out with me and my friends. She starts laughing...it was funny. I was laughing. And she's like I told you so. Whatever. She was right...or at least I think so. Cause once we picked up Kyle...Nicole figured we'd just do what she and I had done the other night. We ordered pizza and went to Delphos to rent a movie and pick up the pizza. Kyle...poking me while I was trying to drive...Jon shaking my chair...then we went back to Nicole's and watched The Cell. Boys on the floor, Nicole and I claimed the couch. After the movie...it turned into a sissy fight. Kyle and I...had each other down, tickling, pinching, seriously. It was pretty funny. His goofy sound effects. And his OCD problem. 12 o'clock 12 o'clock 12 o'clock! At one point though, Kyle and I were sitting on the couch, and Nicole looks up at me from the floor. She gets this look on her face like I'm gonna laugh because I know exactly what you're thinking (which of course was that I knew the whole time...and I had said something about liking Kyle weeks ago) she starts giggling, and I bust out laughing. It was so hilarious. That's one thing I love...prolly the most about Nicole. We know each other too well. It's like we can read the other ones mind. And Kyle's like, "what?! What's so funny!?!?" nothing. nothing at all. Then we headed back to my house so Nicole could take the boys home. She tells me, "ya, he's getting cuter." cause the other day in the mall whae I was talking about how good looking I think he is...she said she didn't really think he was. It takes a bit to see it I suppose. You have to listen to the sound effects (the goat, the rave noise, the gag sound, the gurgling water noise) and you have to see the looks he gets on his face when he says certain words. Like "sorry" or when he growls. I don't know. I think a lot of my thing with Kyle is the physicality. We're pretty comfortable with each other so we tend to be more touchy. I like boys who are touchy. I like people who are touchy. I don't like being formal. I don't mind it when my friends invade my personal space. I wish I could scream, "TOUCH ME!" ok, now I'm being sarcastic. And the purpose of saying that I'm being sarcastic is because I've made a new goal. I'm going to try and make my journal easier to understand. I don't want things to be mistaken. I want everyone to know when I'm kidding or when I'm really serious about something. Which is another point...those who read the journal often understand that the things I say in here are always subject to change. And most often do. So if I ever say anything here that you don't understand and are offended by, then ask me, and I'm happy to clear things up.

~and I don't know what I'm diving into. I'm hanging by a moment here with you.~

Today...I went to class with the intentions of forgetting what happened on Saturday (the fight that I had with everyone over the phone) and pretending like it never happened. That wasn't the right thing to do, and I didn't really have a choice because after theatre, Chris confronted me. I really don't enjoy being questioned when I understand what I mean and no one else does. I didn't want to fight. And Jason told me that he'd felt guilty all weekend for it, and wanted to know if I was ok. I wish...that someone had had the nerve to call me over the weekend to find out what the problem was. But...these people. Aren't the norm for me. They're not like my other friends. They're not personal. And so when Chris asked what the hell my problem was, I got defensive and all I wanted to do was curl up in the fetal position and die. I feel so insecure when I'm around them. Like I'm not good enough, and that I have to struggle to be with them. I have to try to be good enough...and I just feel so used...like I've wasted my time on people who don't care back. That's something that Jesse and I agree on. We're both super intense when it comes to relationships. It's all or nothing man. Either you sacrifise yourself for someone or you don't. And it just feels like I try so much, and I'm not getting anything in return. And Chris is like, "you shouldn't have to try." But when it comes to situations like this where everyone has conflicting schedules, and no one is willing to give it's all take take take...I just can't handle that. Cause it's not personal. It's not comfortable. I just can't involve myself in that. I want more. I can't help it. I care so much, and I end up getting hurt. That sucks.

~I'm on the outside, I'm looking in. I can see through you. See your true colors. Inside you're ugly. Ugly like me. I can see through you. See the real you.~

Kris came over after I convinced Chris that it wasn't really his fault. The funny part of the conversation, was that when i explained the problem was more with Lisa than with the boys, Chris assumed it was over him. I laughed. It seems a little cruel now. But I'm thinking...c'mon. Get over yourself. Cause I've been over you for months now. Seriously, it wasn't the boys at all. The whole problem revolves around Lisa and my lack of honesty. I always feel like she's up to something. Like she's pulling a fast one on me. And I don't want to feel that way. And I especially have a problem with this personality changing thing. And the fact that she can't be honest about how she feels about Brad. It frustrates me to no end. And I should be taking this up with her. But the point is, Kris came over and asked me if I was ok. And here's a good point. That's the type of thing a friend would do. She asked what the whole fight was about, and I told her. I spilled. She knew Lisa had a thing for Brad. We'd talked about it before (I did NOT tell her. She knew) I told her that the fact that I find Brad attractive was pulling us apart. Mainly because she can't be sincere or open about it. And she told me that she understood. She also had a thing for Brad...and so did Kacey. (before kacey got together with Sterns) She's like, "well what's not to like? He's hot." and I laughed cause I knew she liked him. It was just that point of honesty. And putting things together. We knew Kris liked Brad...like the first time we ever met her. And that's why Lisa hates her. So this is why I just didn't say anything about it. Cause I knew Lisa would feel bitter toward me like she did toward Kristin. So after the first fight Lisa and i had over Brad, I swore to myself I would just let it go. It's not like there aren't 9 gabillion boys out there. You know. But it's just knowing that she could feel that way. I don't know. UGH. So now that we've established that every girl I know likes Brad...and that he could give a crap less. (Kris and I discussed why she gave up...cause he just seems totally indifferent towards her. Hell, he seems indifferent period.) Ya, I guess it is a Brad fan page.

~and I taste what I could never have. All those times that I tried...my intentions full of pride and I wasted more time than anyone.~

Ya, I'm through with all of this hiding crap. I refuse to hide things from people. I'm tired of lying. My new best friend...his name is Mr. Honesty. No more bullshit. The hardest part isn't going to be the fight that I'm sure is about to happen with Lisa and I. It's going to be breaking this to Brad. Cause I'm sure the last thing he wants to hear is that all these stupid girls have silly crushes on him. Then again, he might enjoy being the center of attention. Anyhow, that was my day. And I'm really lacking sleep. So I'm gonna take a nap and then straighten out my living space (clean my room) and study...cause you know. I should probably do that. That might be the smart thing to do.

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