02-18-01 Sunday

~Had a bad day again. She said I would not understand.~

I'm definitely not in such a good mood. Better than before. Better than the mood I was in when what I'm about to talk about happened. And yet again, it's about my spoiled plans. But first of all, I'll mention my last few days at work. Friday, I got called in to pull slack for two of the other associates. I did an 8 and a half hour shift. Ya, this is one example of people stepping all over me. Jill calls in with some bullshit (like she usually does on the weekends) and then the person who was on call for her...Ben, claims he had the day marked in the planner as a day he requested off. Come to find out that Kellie marked the day on the wrong month. So he was being honest. But still, if he knew he was scheduled that day...for almost a week and a half, then why didn't he say something sooner? I was scheduled to work 11-3pm. A 5 hour shift. Then Shannon calls and informs me that they'll need me to work 1-9:30pm. Ok, that's fine. I need hours. I need money. So I worked it. With Kyle, and that's always fun. Then today, I worked 5-9:30pm with Kyle. And tomorrow, I work with Kyle. Cause no one else in the damn store works but Kyle and I. Anyhow, today...was me being paranoid. I thought any minute that those Verizon guys would be in to harass me. I was sitting behind the counter, and in walks James. I'd been trying to get a hold of him for awhile, cause we never see each other anymore. So I was excited to see him. Plus, I was about to go on break. So I ran into the backroom to grab my bag, and I turn to open the door. Shannon pos her head through and says, "hey, you might want to stay back here for a little while cause your best friends just walked in." I gave her a dumb look like, "who??" and then realized she meant Brad and Korey. I didn't even think twice, I walked out onto the floor, strutted right over to James, linked arms with him, and headed out the door. Pretty much ignored them, then thought they hadn't noticed, so I looked back and stuck my tongue out just to make sure I got their attention. Oh ya. I did it. And it felt nice. For once, I wasn't going to let it wait until the last minute before I showed this guy that I wasn't interested, and that maybe I had better guys to walk through the mall with. Here's the problem, James and I walk into JC Penney and run into his mom. She had driven him there...and she was ready to leave. Plan was ruined. So we waited for her on the bench outside the store. When she came out, James left, and hey I still had 10 minutes to go. So I got up just as Korey and Brad were walking out of Gadzooks. I walked with them all the way to the other side of the mall, and then Korey busts out with this, "I hear you been talkin trash about me." and I was just like, "huh?" and he says, "ya, your one manager...the pregnant one...said you came in with some pictures the other day and were laughing." and I immediately got defensive. Honestly, Shannon knew that the reason I went with Korey was because I thought I might have had a chance to hang out with Aaron. I went on this date mainly because I couldn't turn the cute guy down. But also because I felt kinda sorry for Korey. It was a day before the damn dance, and he still didn't have a date. If I'd been him, I would have given up by then. *sigh* and so he starts in with this crap, and I try to explain...I didn't want to be mean and say, "sorry Korey, I think Aaron is hot...and I went to get to know him better not you." I admitted to making fun of his dancing. But seriously, I can't dance either, and I laughed...cause it was entertaining. And I told him I had a good time. But he just wouldn't let me win. So I looked at him and said, "I'm not going to argue with you about this. I have to go back to work." Turned around and walked the other way. I'm so tired of being questioned.

~Too scared to be honest~

So after that, I got back into the groove at the store. The groove being my childish fighting with Kyle. We had rubberband fights, and throw beach balls at each other. I push him...he pushes me...I fall down. He pinches the back of my arm. I have a bruise from that too. And it's so immature, and it's so much fun. That's what I enjoy about Kyle. He's cute...and it's ok for me to be stupid around him...even though he makes fun of me for an hour if I say something dumb. It doesn't bother me, cause I do the same thing to him. It rolls around 8...8:30, and Lisa hasn't called me yet. I talked to her on the phone before I went to work and told her to call me when she found out what was going on tonight. Earlier this week, we'd made plans to go hang out at her house. The original plan was that Brad, Chris and I were going to stay the night. Then on Thursday, Jason heard about it, and asked me if I'd be there. I said yes...and so he was going too. Then when I talked to her, she said the boys had made plans to hang out by themselves. And she didn't know if they were stopping by or not. Well, I had to close. So there was no way I could be out there before they left. I was a little upset about it. So I said whatever, just call me and tell me what's up. Since she hadn't called, I figured they never showed up...but I decided to call anyway to see if she wanted me to come over. So I called her house. She's all, "they're here right now. But they won't be here much longer." and I hear laughing in the background. So I'm like, "that's what I figured." And I was getting upset. She's like, "here's Chris...or Jason...(i don't know who was given the phone first)" and they were all, "don't be mad." and I'm like, "too late." then they asked me to explain. I didn't want to. I'm tired of explaining myself. I was fucking mad because once again, I was left out. And it's junior year all over again. I feel like shit. I feel like I'm not good enough to hang out with these people, and that's ridiculous. But the phone was switched off a few times. Because, and I'm sure, when someone picked up the phone and started talking to me, I didn't sound like a happy person who wanted to talk. I was upset. The phone gets passed to Brad...and that was the last thing I needed. What the hell was I supposed to say to him? He prolly thinks I'm a bitch now. Because I'm such a fucking inconvenience. And I'll be honest. Because I'm tired of covering things up just to make other people happy. I do still kinda like Brad. Whether Lisa likes it or not. I've thought Brad was good looking since the first day of classes last quarter when laura pointed him out to me after her theatre class. I thought he was hot before I even met Chris. And I've been hiding it, and lying just to make Lisa happy. Just so she wouldn't be mad at me. Well screw that. because if I'm such a fucking inconvenience. And all these people who are supposed to be my friends can do is shaving cream my car. (which I'm sure had some backward feelings of bitterness toward me behind it for the last time I confessed my feelings) and if all they can do is throw these little get togethers where I'm lucky to hear about let alone be invited to, then whatever. Because I have guys...who I barely even know that are willing to accept me with open arms into their group of friends. And I have friends that I've sacrifised for the sake of making and keeping these new friendships. I also have a job...and school work that's been neglected. Why am I wasting so much time on them when they're not willing to do the same for me? Why am I bending myself over backwards, resenting them, just to keep them happy when they don't even listen to my problems. I deserve so much better. So the whole time I was on the phone, I was trying to explain things without explaining them to Jason. And all he wanted to hear was that it wasn't his fault that I was so upset. Then when he handed it back to Lisa, she was mad because I didn't want to just come over and hang out with Aimee, Skylar, and her (cause the other 3 would be gone). Sorry. I don't want to hang out with a guy who thinks he's richer than God and rubs it in your face. Sorry. I don't want to come over after fighting with almost everyone under that roof...just to be faced with 3 people who are bitter with me. And 2 of which shaving creamed my car a week ago. And by Monday...things will be just the same. I'll cover up how I feel to compensate for the guilt for feeling the way I do, and to keep everyone else happy.

~We were innocent~

Well, I'm tired of trying to make everyone else happy. What about me for once eh? No! Everytime Laura strives for her own happiness, it's considered greed and selfishness. After work, Shannon and I went to Steak and Shake. We talked...until midnight about everything. The conversation didn't stop there either. She decided that she wanted to show me some pictures from her high school years. and so we went to her house...in Botkins. And drove a half an hour in HER car there then sat and talked on her bed until 3 am like we'd been best buds since we were toddlers. Then she drove me a half an hour back to Lima and helped me scrape the frost off my windshield. (she's 5 months pregnant.) Then she turned around and drove the half hour back to Botkins. I've been looking in the wrong places for friends obviously, cause I've never seen any of them offer to do such a thing. That's unheard of. I have to work tomorrow. 5 and a half hours. So since it's 5am, and I'm still livid. I will be. For the next few days. Nothing will be accomplished. If anything, this won't be settled, and I'll be out quite a few "friends". I'm going to march myself to bed. So I can imagine how wonderful it is to work all weekend. So I can dream about my lack of a social life and the people that I may have spent my Saturday night with...And just how rude and awful they'll be on Monday. You know, things just look better and better...

~I wish that you would shut up~

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