Motivation Proclamation
02-12-01 Monday
~I'm paid to smile now I'm on trial for what you think I said, cause I never said that everything would be ok, and I never said that we would live to see another day.~
Oh my...it's been a slow, boring, tedious day. I suppose. It's been like most Mondays...but more interesting. There's more to think about today. More than I should think about. I just shouldn't think at all. Moving on...(I'm gonna think...you know I will. Here it goes) So theatre this morning was great. I'm beginning to like this class more. Cause it's not so much sitting in front of the group and feeling awkward. I'm more used to eyes burning holes in my head. We split into our groups. (the other people who are in our scene) Me, Sarah and mumbly guy (his name is Brian) we went down to the cafeteria and I got to show off my terrible New York accent. I had been reading the scene all weekend and thought Sylvia (the dog, my character) needed some flare. She's a street dog...so she needed street attitude. And a good Bronx/Jennifer Lopez accent added A LOT to it. When we came back to class, Masha was having everyone showcase their scenes...just to show everyone how differently we tend to perceive each character. It was helpful.
~Today I screwed up again, I wasn't paying attention. I walked into the wall again, I heard you laugh and saw you grin...~
Theatre is my only class on Monday, but I had to go over to Galvin and take an essay exam that I missed on Thursday last week. I sent my professor an e-mail telling her about my eyeball herpes. And explaining that I didn't want to start an epidemic if it was pink eye. She wrote back saying it was ok for me to take the exam today...and she was glad I chose not to be a "Typhiod Mary". She'd be in her office any time after 10am. So I could come over and take the exam whenever was good for me. That was great cause once theatre was over...I really didn't feel like taking the damn thing. I was procrastinating. And I ended up chatting with Jason for quite awhile. He didn't have another class until 1:30. So he branded me. And my notebooks. He wrote his name on my arm...and wrote, "Jason's book" on my intro to poetry notebook. Then he doodled on a few of poems in my actually notebook of poetry. Goofball. I talked a bit with Dave. Brad and I discussed poetry. He says he enjoys blank verse. I tried to explain why I didn't want to go take the thing. Not because I thought it was going to be hard. But more like...I just didn't want to. Dave and I got into an ice fight. He had a cup of ice from Wendy's so he threw the ice at me...I threw it back. Then in steps Sterns. If there is anything closely resembling violence...he has to be in on it. So he starts messing with me. I kick him...just to fight back. He holds my arms down...I'm struggling. And then he has Dave hold my legs while he puts ice down my pants. VIOLATION! I wasn't very happy about it. And Sterns is all, "ya that's what you get." So I told him to bite me...and he's like, "no really, this is like an initiation. So you can hang out with us." Like you're only cool if you've been abused by Sterns. I told Dave he lost my trust. And he's like, "well Sterns was the one doing it. I was a victim" and I'm like, "uh no. You helped him willing. And I didn't trust him to begin with. I expected that sort of thing from him. But you violated our trust. So what you did was worse." Of course the whole time I was kidding. Danny walked in the door a little after the ice fight. So I talked to him. It's good to talk to Danny. Cause...I don't know. He's extremely funny. And I've known him so much longer than anyone else in that lobby. I wanted some comfort. I wanted to talk to someone who knows me. And it's been so great since Danny's been around more often. I've missed the way he'll do anything for a laugh. So I talked to Danny. And Brad and Big D were thumb wrestling...Big D threw his soda bottle toward the trash can...missed...and Sterns goes after it. He trys to make it into the trash, and misses. So he picked it up and did this super dunk thing. So Danny was like, "hey Michael Jordan!" And I don't think Sterns appreciated that very much. Something happened and they were threatening each other...but it was silly and they were joking. I almost think...no. I don't think Sterns saw Danny as a threat. Maybe... I don't know. But I gave Danny a hug, and he left. So I went over to the couch where Brad and Jason were sitting and placed myself between them. All of a sudden, they both start in with this taunting...ugh, "oh Danny...hee hee gimme a hug." It bothered me. Cause -I- know the story of what happened with Danny and I. and they don't understand the world of pain that it really was. And how I've moved away from that...and I've grown from it. And Danny and I are great friends now. If that whole situation did anything, it made me stronger. So their teasing bothered me. All three of us on the couch got into a sissy fight. So Sterns comes over...and starts in again. He physically moved me, and took over the spot where I was sitting. So naturally, I tried to fight for my seat. It ended up with me in some weird wrestling hold and I pulled a muscle in my back. Finally, Jason and Brad were packing up to leave for their classes so I grabbed my stuff and went with them. (to take the dreaded poetry essay exam) To be honest, I didn't mind fighting with Sterns. It was sort of a sneaky way of venting frustration and also...maybe venting some of my bitterness toward him (on him). But Jason said, "you don't have to take that crap from him." We walked over to Galvin...the three of us. And when we get there...Jason opens the door, and busts on through. Brad was behind him, and grabbed the door. Then he puts his hand on my back and leads me through in front of him. (I'll elaborate later) So we walked Brad upstairs to the second floor, and Jason and I took the elevator the 4th floor. I searched out professor Arbuckle's office, and she gave me my exam. Then afterward, she insisted that I stay so she could give me the notes I missed on Thursday. It was helpful. Even though we'll talk about the same things tomorrow. I didn't get out of there until 2:30 almost 3:00pm. But it's not like I have anything else to do today. I should eat at some point in time. But I think I'll wait til supper.
~I don't care about a thing today. I used to but I'm fed up. And I can hear the words you say, I wish that you would shut up. I've got responsibility. That is my liability...~
So I messed up. I let it get to me. And I'm so disappointed in myself. I have the strongest will power. But when it comes to guys...I just give in. I can't block it out...or pay attention to anything else. It's always...there...ticking...poking...annoying. I can't get away. So here's something I need to overcome. Another lesson needing learned. One of the hardest. I tried explaining at least part of it to Jason today. The whole thing about Jon and Dale. But I don't even understand. So what good is that? And I'm talking...and I'm not getting anywhere. So I'm finished for the day. Self inflicted on-line journal therapy. Isn't it great!
~You're so complicated. You're overrated.~
HOME
CONFLICTS
Email: holyrevelry@hotmail.com