02-11-01 Sunday

~How do you do it? Make me feel like I do.~

You know, when I was in high school...ok that was the wrong way to start that. I think for the most part, I have figured out the right times to be mature. And I know when I can be silly and immature. I understand that I'm in college now. And it's time to buck up and put in a few good years so my future doesn't suck ass. I have priorities. I have responsibilities. I have very few things that are mine and that I have to take care of. One of those things is my car. I'm extremely protective of my car because it's the first somewhat good car I've ever had. In high school, I drove crappy cars that either fell apart or were totalled. (ONLY ONE WAS TOTALLED) So since I have this car, and I have to take care of it...I tend to be a little crazy when it comes to people messing with it. In all my years here...(5 almost 6) no one has ever tp'd my house, soaped my windows, egged anything etc. I wake up this morning, and my mom informs me...that someone shaving creamed my car windows. First of all, if you were gonna do it, why didn't you do it when I was in high school. Then it would have been funny. Cause I wouldn't have felt bad about doing it back. I could have said, ok, it's ok for me to be immature here and revenge is great. But I can't now. All I have left is a good ass beating. And that's what I'll do. I know who did it. I'm not stupid. (ok, it's a toss up between two people...but I'm pretty sure) Honestly people. This is unnecessary. And I won't tolerate anyone messing with my car. It's one of the only good things I have in my life. And if that shaving cream screws up my paint (which it's very possible) guess who's gonna pay for it.

~All your metal armor drags me down~

So I worked last night. Strange thing, I thought I saw Dale walk by...I was standing up front folding shirts or something. And I'm not about to yell across the hall. But he never came in the store. It wouldn't surprise me if he's mad. But I've been thinking through all of this. And it's hard for me to settle. I just can't do it. I mean, there's nothing wrong with Jon or Dale. They're both good looking guys. (really. I wouldn't just say that.) and they're both really nice. But for me...it takes something else. And I'm still not sure what it is. It's like a combination of a bad boy/somewhat mean but in a sarcastic kinda way/straight forward guy. Someone that the chase never ends with. I wish it was easier. But I'm young. And I have plenty of time. That's the point here. I'm in no hurry. Though it feels and seems that way sometimes. And since I've been content with what I have (myself) I've started to realize all these things. Don't get me wrong though. I still gawk at all the guys I can't have. And I still wish Jesse was here instead of 360 some miles away. That's another strange thing. It's one of those things that can't be explained. As for now, I have to go. Nicole is coming over...and we're going to abduct Aj and run away to Findlay. I have plans...I'll finish later.

~It might be the only way that I can show you how it feels to be inside you.~

That was a great trip. I'm tired now. But it was lots of fun. We stole Aj and went to the big town of Findlay. Lots of stuff to do there. Like wander around the mall...and uh wander around the mall. It was fun though. Aj needed to shop for khakis. I think I talked him into putting in an application at Gadzooks. That would be fun. If Aj worked with me. Anyhow...we were in Findlay for awhile. Then we came home...dropped Aaron off and Nicole and I went to the mall here. We stopped in at the store (the store = Gadzooks) and Kyle was working. So we bothered him for awhile. And then we ran into Mille and Smitty at the cinnabon. I tried prying information out of Josh...about just how mad Dale was. Ya...Josh said he was mad. It didn't surprise me. Obviously cause it WAS them in the mall yesterday...and they never stopped in to say anything to me. It basically boiled down to my assumption that Dale was upset. I was right. Anyhow, we came back here after dropping off a few things we bought for AJ. Found Kev B, Josh, and Jesse on-line. I interrogated Kevin. Poor thing. But he had no idea who creamed my car. I asked Josh if maybe it was someone he knew...and he said he didn't know. I talked to Jess a bit. It's always nice just to talk to him. He was pretty busy though. So the conversation wasn't very long. Just as Jess and I were saying goodbye, Dale got on-line. Pressure...and so we talked this crap out. And it's good. I think...he said he was upset about it. But it's not my fault...blah blah. It's totally my fault. If I would let my brain catch up with my heart I might realize that HELLO! I have no chance with ANY of the guys I like...and as for Jesse, he's f'n 7 hours away. And that just won't do. It's crazy...but I sometimes feel like either of us could be making each other empty promises. He says he's gonna come here and visit me sometime. And that it's very possible that he could be falling for me. And I tell him I can't wait cause I've fallen too. (that's how I feel...right now) But who knows if at any given moment...either of us could meet someone..and that's over. I mean. I'm not stopping the train to wait for Jesse...for Lord only knows how long. This train is moving full speed ahead. I can't stop it. But as of right now...it seems like Jess is right in front. He's recieving all my coy flirtiness. He's getting the long conversations about random topics. There isn't anyone else. But like I said...that could change. Which is why I feel bad about the Dale thing. He feels like crap...cause I'm more worried about a guy I've never met than going out with him. (not specifically that reason. But that's a lot of my reasoning) Because I'm stupid, and I'm comparing people to Jesse. Because I'm retarded and I can't realize that this and any other chance I may think I might have with someone isn't happening. And this is the second...count that...2nd good guy I've flown past in my train...sparks flying out behind. stupid stupid stupid.

~I will hold you close if you're afraid of heights.~

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