12-04-00 Monday

~What would you do if I followed you?~

I can't believe, for a split second, I forgot my password. How inconvenient would that have been??? sheesh! Well, I see that November wasn't a big month for journal entries. I suppose that's mainly because I've been keeping quite a bit to myself. (and I'm in a state of shock right now...cause this band called At The Drive-in is playing on my musicmatch radio thingy...and this kid I've talked to on spark told me about them...he worships them or whatever, and told me that I would too. I've heard the song once before...but now I think I'm listening just to try and understand why he's so obsessed with this...messy music...and you know, I'll probably have the cd in a week...j/k) Anyhow, I'm trying to come to some sort of conclusion to my...I don't know...my lack of conclusions. (and I really can't stand the Wallflowers...bleck) I can't believe I had the nerve to spill that whole mess to Goo when we (he, James, and I) went to the choir concert. SHIT! That just reminded me! Nicole wanted me to go to the high school concert with her tonight. Ugh! I knew I was forgetting something! Erg. *sigh* I'm struggling with all this. With making plans and keeping them...with keeping my head straight...I'm so terrible. Geez, anyhow, I spilled to Goo. And now that I think about it. I'm almost glad...but I still regret it. Because I have so many problems...that are far too complicated to go into detail. But I have no one to talk to. And I just...blew a fuse. (excuse me??? Is Natalie Imbruglia considered Alternative Rock??? Linkin Park, Deftones...that I understand. And I love this Linkin Park song.)
~All these thoughts they make no sense, and I found bliss in ignorance. Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break.~

So after the choir concert, I went to McDonalds with the whole lot of choir folkies. And found myself absolutely uncomfortable. I really didn't belong. But I got on fine...chatted with Lisa a bit, and even spoke to a few Brads. (being...Brad...Lisa's Brad...and Brad...who's leaving in January Brad.) actually those are the only two Brads. Anyhow, it was cool. it really seemed like they were excited about Lisa's thing...the "party" she was throwing on Saturday. So...the party on Saturday...was more like...Lisa and I. Chillin'...watched a lame movie. Then Aimee showed up with her cousin...we dinked around on the computer for awhile. Lisa called Chris...he wasn't there...so when he got home from the symphony choir concert he had that night, he called back. He had totally forgotten about the "party". So he rushed over...and just as he got there, Aimee left. So it was Lisa, Chris and I...we talked a bit...ate some of the food. (there was a lot...because well uh no one showed up) then we watched another movie. So the night went well. I suppose it could have been worse. whatever. Sunday...the big friends and family night at work. Not very many people showed up. One Posse member came though. Ben (who wasn't working) stopped in (which he never does when he's not working or picking up a pay check) and followed Danielle around for a half an hour. He even sat down with her on the floor and helped her bundle hangers. Ridiculous! I was working my ass off behind the counter trying to keep up with Kim...and when I rushed into the back to grab something that was on hold he had the nerve to call me a slacker. I know...it's a joke between us. I think he does it just because he knows it bothers me. But it does...more than it should. HE bothers me. His presence...just...ya. It bothers me. Anyhow, Tony stopped in...ended up on the floor with Ben and Danielle. I...worked my ass off. Let me say it again. WORKED MY ASS OFF! Then, as soon as we closed, the three other girls who were on the schedule and I got to decide who stayed to follow Kim to the bank (it's policy...proceedure...you know) All of us looked at each other...at the floor...at each other...then finally I said, "I'll stay. that's cool whatever." I need all the extra cash I can get right. We closed at 9, and Kim and I didn't get out of there until 10. The register wouldn't come out even...it happens.

~Try to own the one beneath the skin~

So then today, since I didn't have class, and I didn't have to work, I decided that hell! I should just take a shower...and not do my hair or put on any make-up. I'll just rent movies and veg ALL day. And sure enough, that's what I did. Three movies...and a couch with my ass on it. That was my day. I should have studied for my math final (which is tomorrow) but since I've never studied for math before, (which may explain my particular problem with that subject) I couldn't figure out exactly how to go about it. So I just didn't. Then we have my portfolio which must be done by Wednesday. I haven't even begun to edit the two papers we need for that. Oh Lord. *sigh* I just have no motivation. I feel like crap. I look like hell. I'm exhausted for no apparent reason. I have no desire to look at that crap. (hmm. crap...yes. education is synonymous with crap) I did however take time to think about all this other crap. (crap in this form = stupid stuff that I think about all the time) Stupid stuff that I'd rather not, or for that matter, not ever elaborate upon in this space here that I have on the internet. Because well, it's not appropriate. I just don't want to OK! I hate it, and I hate myself for it. Not a big deal right. ok then.

~cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby!~

I just typed out a whole...hypethetical situation that gave everything away. So it was quickly deleted. There's no way around it, and I'm sure all parties will be informed eventually. You see, I have this theory about myself. And it used to be a theory I assigned to my aunt. I'm exceptionally dramatic. I have this way of making a big thing out of everything. And if there's nothing going on, I start things...I create problems. (at least I think that's what this is...and maybe if I ignore it, it will go away...SOON!) hopefully. So I'm trying not to consentrate on it. I'm avoiding it at all costs. (I think I like this Zebrahead band. The lead singer almost sounds like Adrian Rowntree from Fat) <= see what I mean. It's 11pm...and I need to work on my archives. Plus I want to find a picture or 2 of my new celebrity obsession. Christian Kane!!! Hello! I'll try and get that up here...somewhere. I'm out!

~he is everything you want.~

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