12-28-00 Thursday

~You're makin' me want you.~

So it's my last day off of work, and I'm really depressed. I wish i would have done more productive things...I got my hair done Wednesday...it's...kinda scary. When Lisa and Aimee saw it today, the first thing Aimee said was, "Vitamin C! You look like that Vitamin C chick!" That was a little sad. But better than Rob last night. He's like, "oh it looks good." Then a little while later, he says, "It's ok. I mean it's alright." and then that turned into, "no. It's bad. Sorry..." The front is like, BAM! blonde. It's bleach bleach bleach blonde. But I think it looks a little better today...it'll take a little getting used to. and man, my skin was just starting to clear up really well. Then all of a sudden, I'm slammed with this date thing, I get all stressed out, and boom, I look like a freaking leper again. *sigh* I don't know. I'm tired. And I'm kind of upset that this mornings plans fell through. (get to that later) I'm wearing my "don't be a pecker" t-shirt. (just thought you'd like to know) and I keep thinking about how awkward and strange it's gonna be tomorrow night. I hope Jon made all his plans. I don't want to have to pick where we eat or what movie we see. It'll be after a 6 hour shift at work, I'll be...all loopy and tired. I hope he's not expecting much. Even though Rob put him through the ringer. He asked him if he was going to "make out" with me. And I guess Jon was like, "On the first date?!?!" haha I don't know why I find that so funny. This is part of the reason why I'm not so sure about...it. He's very...if it's possible...he's more "innocent" than I am. And I don't want to corrupt the poor thing. I don't want to frighten him...I just...can't see myself with him. It was ok when I was just like, "ya, Jon's ok looking." But now that there's something else...it's just wrong. I'm blowing things out of proportion. But Jesse confirmed what I was fearing. He said, "ya know if you go on a date with a fella he'll just dig ya more- most likely". That's what I don't want to happen. Cause I can't guarantee that my feelings will change. I can't honestly say that there's a possibility that I won't break his heart. UGH! What am I saying. Who says I won't totally rub him the wrong way? Who says he won't realize we're two totally different breads of people? He's a gentlemen, (although a strange example) and I am a silly girl who wants WAY more attention and affection than the average guy is willing to give. It strikes me though...when it's 2000, almost 2001, and he's still like, "kiss on the first date?!?!" that makes me feel kinda...loose. Like I would, but he wouldn't...That's the first and only time I'll ever have that feeling I'm sure.

~From the first time I saw you, I only thought about you. I didn't know you. I wanted to hold onto the things you never say to me. Cause you said you can't change the way you feel -i could never do that, i could never do that- but you can't tell me this aint real. Cause this is real.~

The more I talk to Jesse, the more I wish he or someone like him was here. I wish it was someone more like Jesse rather than Jon. Cause Jesse is...more complicated. Hell I give up. I might as well just be submissive...ugh. Stop thinking about it! It's not even until tomorrow. What the hell. Anyway, I was bored last night. Rob called and asked if I would dye his hair again. So I said sure...but we had to run to Meijer first. We ran...all over town trying to find Good Charlotte. It was ridiculous. Still don't have it. We came back to my house so I could call Brad. It was my big plan. I talked to Mr. Brad, and asked if he might join Lisa, Aimee and I today at Hunan for lunch. He said he'd try. Finally ended up back out at Rob's. Dyed his hair...it wasn't a big exciting thing. Funny though. He's obsessed with his new Britney Spears hair brush. Don't ask. So today, I was all happy...hoping things went right. We kinda tricked Lisa into going to Hunan first. It was great. Everything was working...then he never showed up. LAME! I was so disappointed. We ended up telling Lisa that we suck and the plan didn't work out. We tried calling Brad quite a few times. I mean, I'm sure he has a good excuse for why he didn't show. But I wish he had. Which makes me wonder if he'll even think about coming to Lisa's house for New Years. We all want him to. I've told him about it...like 4 times now. But he just doesn't seem that interested. I'll call him later. And ask him to be honest about everything. (including a lot more than I'll mention here)

~so many things I'll never learn. You can't cross bridges that you've burned. Why is life such an issue when you're mine? Why are the answers to my problems hard to find?~

So we went to to school and picked up books. I'm not so happy about having to go back. It's so cold, and I really don't enjoy walking around outside when it's frickin' freezing. We also went to the mall. Oh boy! I don't have money to spend...and all I really want right now is that damn Good Charlotte cd. Finally, we stopped in at Groamy's. He's gonna hook me up. He talked to his distributor while I was standing there...and said he'd have it by tomorrow. That makes me happy. I still have one more book to get. My poetry book. I'm really glad that I don't have 14 million books to carry around next quarter. That also makes me happy. You know what else makes me happy? When Jesse tells me he thinks I'm good lookin'. And when James and Goo stop by out of the blue (as long as it's not that late) and when I can sleep in until noon. Hmmm...I suppose being asked out on a date makes me happy. But afterward, the anticipation is hell. I feel inadequate. Like I'm not what he thinks I am. Not that I've given him a false impression. Just that he's never been close enough to understand who I really am. (which only a few people know anyhow) That's what's so frustrating. ok, i'm done. And since most of you know both Crazy Jon and I, I'll be sure to update after it's happened. Ugh. ya, later.

~there's things I'd like to do that you don't believe in. I've never been so alone and I've never been so alive.~

HOME
CONFLICTS

Email: holyrevelry@hotmail.com