12-21-00 Thursday

~Nothing hurts like your mouth~

Ok, here it comes. I'm pissed. Although I had a good day today...I'll get to that in a moment, this is an after-shock from last night...I THOUGHT it was over. I thought I had apologized and explained myself...but since I've done some reading, I find myself misunderstood once again. So here's my side of the story. Last night, I was working with Kirsten and Kim. Kim was in a bad mood. Not sure why, but she was miffed. Dan K. stopped in the store to "show off" his new girlfriend. The one he dumped Andrea for...this Jill girl, she...uh well, I just thought Dan could do better. Andrea was better. But he (like me) is all about the instant gratification. He comes in with his girl, and starts talking about how we don't have good clothes for guys anymore...it's all "ghetto-fabulous" stuff. He likes Billibong...so I tried to show him that we moved the bong stuff somewhere else, we didn't get rid of it, and the "ghetto-fabulous" stuff just happens to be what's popular right now. Anyhow, he left...so I was dinking around the back of the store, and happened to come across our new Bizkit shirt. So I went up front to Kir who was greeting and asked if Dan walked by again, if she could tell him to come in so I could show him the shirt. She says, "why don't you just buy it for him?" I shot off, "NO!" Mainly because I don't have the money to throw around like that. But also because the last time I did something nice for Dan, he and I got into a huge fight. He's treated me like crap in the past, and I'm tired of it. Why would I continue to do nice things for someone who's messed with my head? We're still friends, but he wouldn't do something like that for me...so why should I do that for him? Anyhow, I digress. I said something like, "Sorry, but I'm not gonna play the fool anymore." Then she asked me if I was calling her a fool. I said no, tried to explain myself, and ended up telling her that -I- have stopped taking crap from guys. Yes, making reference to the fact that she lets Matt get away with things he shouldn't. She flew off the handle, and told me to just get from her. The night was already bad...and just continued to get worse. I had a headache, and after that happened, I felt sick to my stomach. Mainly because I knew I had pissed her off...and this has obviously happened multiple times in the past, because I knew what to expect. I knew I needed to apologize cause yes...it WAS an obnoxious statement. But I also think back to a time when I was in that situation (here we go again) and NO ONE wanted to be around me...I was depressing, I was purposefully not invited to things because of it. All I talked about was him...and I cried, and I'm sure I was a pain to get along with. So seeing her upset about this, one minute she hates him for ratting on her, the next minute she's all, "hi Matt". It upsets me...I don't like to see her in pain. And the last thing I wanted to do was make it worse, but, my friends turned their backs on me. I don't want to do that. I know Nicole doesn't like to be around her for this reason. (she didn't want to be around me back then either) Plus, Nicole doesn't like Matt. Partially because she sees Matt as a stupid, pot smoking, hypocritical, immature child. And I'd be lying if I didn't say that if you didn't know Matt, and weren't a hormonal high school girl (most of his groupie teeny bopper girls are), then you wouldn't think Matt was just that. Kir knows him in different ways. Differently than his girlfriend, or his guy friends...and because of this, I can't understand what she feels...and I can't agree with her when she says that she can't let him go. And while I'm at it, I think that the fact that he DOES have a girlfriend and she's still...ya, I think that's a little messed up. I don't care if he initiated what may have happened with them. It's still wrong. And if she doesn't want kicked out of the school she goes to (which has strict rules) then she shouldn't break them. Some of them I will admit are pretty ridiculous. But the main 3 that she explained to me are kind of important. And she broke one...could have broken two. I definitely don't agree with that. But of course I didn't say that to her. Because she doesn't agree. If God wants it to happen...If God wants Matt out of her life than he would be gone for good. WHAT?!?! God will strike him down? What if God put him there as a temptation? A milestone...a problem to overcome...a challenge. A chance to better herself by learning from his mistakes. Hell, she's made most of those mistakes already. It frustrates me...because she changes her mind like the wind changes direction. Does she like Matt or not? Does she value her religion or take it for granted? Is she going to stay at a Christian college or come home? But I apologized to her tonight when I ran into her on my way out of work. Yes, what I said was obnoxious, and yes, I should keep my opinions to myself. But that's just it, and she said this..."if it's your opinion then that's a whole new story." Looks like it is then. Because no matter how much I love her and no matter how bad I feel when she's in pain and going through stupid shit, I realize, there's nothing I can do about it, because she doesn't take me seriously. And my words mean nothing to her. Except for when I insult her for her mistakes with Matt. I won't humor her or sit back and just let it happen like Yvette does...so I'm wrong. I try to help...but everything I say is directly opposite to how she sees things. Therefore, I'm wrong. And that's all I've ever been with her. As the night progressed, Kim got worse, Kir and I didn't speak...finally when we were closing, I was complaining about my headache and refusing to take aspirin because the headache was caused by hunger not normal head pain reasons...Kim said, "why don't you just go home pissy pants." I think that struck me...a chord...it was painful. And it just brought everything back. I got up and rushed into the backroom threw on my coat...and started crying. So there were sniffles, and there was me tellimg myself to stop crying...stupid stop crying. Go to the bathroom, sniffle into some toilet paper...look at my red eyes in the mirror...stupid stupid stupid. I collected myself...and went back out to find I had to sit and wait while Kim finished the paper work anyhow. Not many words were exchanged...I came home. Heaving and sobbing the whole way.

~everything you say to me, takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break, I need a little room to breathe, cause I'm one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break.~

YesterDAY was definitely good though. The posse stopped by. Well, 3/5ths of the posse. earpierce Chris, Sherrick, and Brad...They came in with Sherrick's girlfriend and another girl who is a friend of that one girl that we don't really like. I guess she likes Sherrick...but he has a girlfriend?! Anyhow, I was busy when they first walked in. But I unbusied myself so I could go back and talk to Brad. HE was looking at the necklaces with earpierce Chris. So I interrupted. Chris went away, and Brad and I talked for a bit. I had to go get a layaway or something, so when I came back out, he was standing by the socks. I went over to finish our conversation...his group was standing about a rack away, and made some comment about whether Brad was going to get the necklaces or just stand there and talk to me. So he moved into the line. They (the group) left the store. I went behind the counter cause I wanted to ask Brad about New Years. I did...and he said...get this! He said, "sounds good. Woten has my number, so have him call me...or...Lisa...or...you could call and tell me about it." HELLO! There's a reason to call. HE offered! Go Lisa go Lisa GO! I of course called her tonight and told her this good good news. SHE is insisting that I be there when she calls. Tomorrow night...if weather permits, it will be done. God willing. Seems as though things are looking up for her. Me on the other hand, I'm lucky to get compliments on my shirt. I bought this new t-shirt...it says, "Don't be a pecker" and has a picture of a wood pecker on it. I got two compliments...one from a girl...and one from a really rough looking guy. (bad beard like anthrax guy...kinda weird) I'm lucky to get hit on by a 16 year old. John...the kid I work with. He's...he says I'm the only person at the store that he really likes...and he said it again tonight. After checking out my ass and telling me that it's good. hahaha. I booty bumped him...and he flew across the front of the store...I apologized claiming that I don't know the strength of my ghetto booty. He, leans back, looks at it, and says, "nothing wrong with that. It's nice, and I like to have something to hold onto." I snickered and said, "woah there cowboy! 16 year old cowboy with a girlfriend" and the conversation pretty much ended there. Now we know why he likes me more than everyone else. It's cute. He's a nice guy. Young...but nice. He tells me the effects of drugs...cause I of course wouldn't know, and he is unusually experienced in that department. Which makes me think, even if he was older, I wouldn't go out with him. He parties...WAY more than I ever have. Anyhow, what am I talking about? my reasoning is off. My brain is very...scattery. and I'm tired. I'm sorry, and I'm tired and I just don't want to talk about what I'm thinking about right now. The end.

~wish I could disappear~


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