12-19-00 Tuesday

~move in now move out, hands up now hands down, back up back up. Tell me whatcha gonna do now? Keep rollin' rollin' rollin'~

That's the general idea right about now. Just keep rollin'. I haven't tried...for so long. I haven't felt anything...for such a long time. I don't feel anymore. I pretend. I suppose, I give...but I don't receive. I try to make everything good for everyone else but me. Kirsten...I tried to help her make the right decision. But I was too...I wanted her to stay. So I persuaded her...and I think I pushed too much. Why though? Why do I want her to stay? I know that...part of the reason that it's so easy for her to leave, is because Jen and Yvette aren't here. Well, they are...but they won't be after thier breaks. They'll go back to school...and she'd be stuck here. With Matt...and I'm being bitter. I don't deserve to be bitter. But that's all I can be. Because I'm not as good of a friend...because I don't give good advice, I can't ease the pain that Matt causes. So if you hadn't noticed, Kir decided to go back to Asbury. It was just weird when Matt strolled into the store today. I can't explain the tension that followed. Then after he left, she told me what happened the night before. I wished I could have been there. To be a strength, a rock, or a shoulder. She couldn't just break. I don't know how awful this will sound...but that's what it took for me...when it came to Danny. And I know how much she hates when I compare the situations. But no matter how much no one believes me, I thought at one point in time, that I was in love with him. I could have been. I don't understand love. I don't know why I love Kir...but I do. I can't explain why I love Nicole...but I do. Or why I love James...or Matt...or any of my friends. I don't know if it was love...(with Danny)...but it was something, and it was more than lust...or obsession. But it goes the way it goes, and IT didn't go. (that wasn't the way I wanted that to sound) And for some reason, even though I can be tough and say, "well, he never liked me, and he just pitied me...and if he ever decided that he was wrong, and came crawling to me on his knees, I still wouldn't have him." it's a lie. I do and always will have feelings for Danny. But I've learned to accept his lack of feelings for me. Plus, he has this awful sarcasm...and I hate him for it. It's definitely a love/hate relationship, and I...I don't know, the point is...I broke. At post-prom...junior year. After I watched him follow Stacy around all night, I fell apart. Because I couldn't accept the fact that he didn't have feelings for me. Just because of one or maybe two things that had happened before. He gave me this...hope. But that night, hope...it was gone. And I cried right there, in the freezing cold...in my driveway...I stood there for an hour and bawled...pleading with him. He didn't know what to say. He just stood there. And then I knew. He can't comfort me. He doesn't have that feeling for me. And it was done. Since then, we've talked about that night...and well, everything. And I'm fine. I grew...it took awhile. I was depressed, I avoided him, I cried, I moved on. What I'm trying to say...is that just because it seemed as though something happened...or almost happened...doesn't mean he meant for it to happen. Or that his head was in the right place at the time. That's mainly why I don't trust guys anymore. Because emotions get confused...misunderstood. And that night after work at Value City when I waited for him outside (like I often did) and he climbed in my car...begged me to sing for him...but all I could say was no. And he gave me those puppy dog eyes, and he asked me nice, even said please...and he made that really annoying noise and said he wouldn't stop until I sang. Then he laid his head down on my lap, and I just sat there...stroking his messy hair...wishing that the feeling I had at that very moment would never end...it ended. And that's what I think of when I think about trusting someone. And all the pain that came afterward is a reflection of my bitterness now.

~I don't know when I got bitter but love is surely better when it's gone.~

I work...too much. I'm really starting to get tired of that place. I don't know...today, I was so afraid. Kim warned me that I'd be working with Rodney (the district manager) and he just freaks me out. I've explained this before. He's the boss...and if that's not scary enough...he was so mean to me the first time I met him. (my interveiw for an assistant manager position) So I was a little less than enthused when she informed me that he'd be there. But as usual it was less painful than I thought. I was all worried about not knowing my 5 on the floor. (which I memorized almost right before he asked me) He comes up to me...all slick (on top of everything else, he's extremely good looking which HELLO is intimidating like you wouldn't believe) But he struts over to me and says, "Hey Laura, I've got a couple questions for you." So I'm thinking Oh no! I did something wrong! I'm gonna get written up. Then he's like, "What's todays sales goal?" shit! I knew it was like $7100-something...so I said just that. I knew I wasn't right on...but he said, "you're close, it's $7148." shit! I suck...that's what's going through my head. and now he's gonna ask me what the 5 on the floor are, and I'm gonna blow it. (I suck at tests...too much pressure) But I of course got those right. And boy oh boy I got a 50% off coupon good for one top and bottom. So I can get myself a new pair of jeans cheap. Rawk! He didn't really stick around that long. Left about 3...cause Kir came in and met him. He of course was nothing but sweet to her...making me look like a dummy for thinking he's a scary monster man. Well it's not like it really matters for her. I'm the one who's still gonna be around after Christmas...ok, that was low. I admit. I'm sorry...but still bitter.

~I cannot take this anymore~

But hey, there's always New Years right??? Or maybe not...cause Lisa is throwing a party (or that's the current plan) and I have to be there...cause it's Lisa. But it's not like anyone there will be...potential anything. Why? Because supposedly the posse is going to be there. I can picture it...repeat of the last party she invited those boys to. None of them came with the exception of Chris. I just wish that there was a potential boy somewhere. I want someone...but why? And this New Years...(which will hopefully be better than last) if there are boys at all...it'll be the posse. and as far as I know, I don't think she's even talked to any of them but Chris. It kind of bothers me that she's taking no initiative. She won't stick her neck out and call Brad. Who cares...I mean, it's not like an invitation to the party isn't a good excuse. Honestly...That's a great excuse, and if it were me...I would jump on the chance...as well as Brad. (sorry...but I would) Why not...I mean, you gotta try at least...Balls to the wall.

"Rock out with your cock out!"
-Tony's responce to some food that a lady from his church brought to him at work.

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