12-16-00 Saturday

~Angels, lend me your might. Forfeit all my lives to get just one right. All those colors long since faded, all our smiles all confiscated. Never were we told, we'd be bought and sold when we were innocent.~

Poop! poop poop and more poop. Hmmm, well, let's see, I was right about Kim wanting to keep Kir as permanent help. Problem #1: Kir doesn't know whether or not she's staying here. This is upsetting. Obviously her friends here want her to stay here. Her friends there want her to stay there. So it's all up to her. No pressure or anything. She's got til Monday the 18th. Fees are due at the branch. poop. The other night...hell I don't know when. Kir and I went over to Laurie's after we closed the store at like 11pm. I'm not...keeping secrets, but I'm not posting anything either. I won't say I regret what happened. But I'm a little disappointed in my lack of will power. Then again, it was coming. I've been in and out of the store...that's all I do is work work work. I'm so tired of that place. Now I understand why I have a tendency to leave a job after about 3 months. I like it at Gadzooks. Besides the gossip and such, it's not so bad. It's mainly the holidays...(note: I've often quit jobs around the holidays.) It's crazy. Managers yelling (and that place is loud enough) Customers think they're God. Like the world revolves around them and if you don't open the mother fucking dressing room point 2 seconds after they tell you they need to try something on...there's hell to pay. Get me this shoe size, open this fitting room, ring up this sale, take of this discount, pick up these hangers, fold these damn t-shirts!!! UGH! It was bad today. Busy, and the store isn't very big. We only have one register, and the line was clear to the back of the store. People would come up to the other side of the register...like we were supposed to ring them up first. What about the people who've been waiting in line for 15 minutes??? i heard more than one bitchy lady complain..."why don't you have two cashiers???" and I'd say, "well, we only have one cash register." Long pause..."*sigh* OH! well, you would think they'd give you another one for this time of year." Yeah, maybe...if it didn't cost "them" money. If "they" didn't have to pay for someone to haul the biotch in. If "they" didn't have to pay for someone to hook it up and install the programs...If "they" wouldn't have to pay more employees to run register, and stand out on the floor to take care of customers. Maybe. It's a small store. Buy Christmas presents early. It's just a good idea.

~Take it slow~

Sorry. Bad mood. I'm tired. I went to Kir's last night...(after closing the store...11pm) With the intention to help her think through the "stupid boy" problem. (not that I'm ever much help...not that I, obviously, was her first choice of help) I wanted to help her come closer to a decision for school. And we had it planned. We were going to meet there after I went home and changed, and she picked up some ice-cream. Then...Yvette showed up. For those of you who don't know Yvette, don't worry about it. But I guess Yvette and I are ok. THAT didn't bother me. (although she's been somewhat of a problem...considering certain...friends of mine and their boyfriends...considering what I call her "former psychotic tendencies".) But I'm cool with her. But Kir and I...were going to do this. Then BAM! And that's always how it happens. There's always someone else...someone better she (Kir) would rather talk with about it. It's always been Jen or Yvette. And ya, they've been friends...for a hell of a long time. But in this respect, I'm always the one who's left out. Yvette came into the store a bit before we closed, and of course she was invited. and I'm sure...if she thought I wouldn't have been bothered by it, that it would be ok, she would have been happy to uninvite me, and just chill with Yvette for the evening. Call it low self esteem. Call it bad self image, but I always feel like baggage. useless...unnecessary. Only invited because of pity...or lack of someone better. Not that putting it here will solve anything. But ya. Anyhow, I went over there...and we ended up watching a movie. Good movie...but both Kir and Yvette fell asleep, I didn't want to just not finish the movie...so I stayed til 3:30am. Then left...I was supposed to get up at 7am this morning to be at work by 9. Guess who slept right through her alarm clock? Oh...me! ME! I woke up at about 20 til 9. Called Kim and told her I was stupid for staying out late...and thinking I could take a 2 hour nap then come in early and work a 7 and a half hour shift. So I was late. about 45 minutes. The day...went badly. Not so bad...but when you add up all the small things. I'm already clumsy, so add drowsy and what do you get? A silly girl giving out the wrong change, who can't stand up straight...or think straight...I've been tired, and that just emphasizes all the bad things.

~all our lives get complicated, search for pleasures overrated. Never armed our souls, for what the future would hold. When we were innocent.~

Shannon was in a not so bubbly mood. She was yelling orders at everyone. Lucky me, I get stuck behind the counter with her. (I feel like teachers pet...Kim does the same thing) Then she yells at everyone else. "John, get back to shoes! Who's greeting?! Has Kirsten greeted before? What is Jill doing...I swear that girl gets on my nerves. And if Ben doesn't find something else to do other than talk to everyone!!!" oh my gosh...I'm just standing there...taking sensor tags off of shirts...shaking my head. What else could I do? It was hot in there. The line in front of the counter...was like a barrior of body heat. I was roasting back there...which only made me more sleepy. But before all of this happened, John came in and told me all about his bad day yesterday. I love this kid. But my question is, why do I attract confused, manic depressive boys? He says he broke up with his girlfriend about two weeks ago. Now he already has a new one (ok, he's 16 and it's high school...oh boy...but I wish I had that kind of bounce. No skills people. NONE) Anyhow, they got into an accident yesterday. Flipped the car. He's ok. But he forgot to take his medication today, and he's sick. He always has a headache, and can't have aspirin. He's allergic. So it has to be a certain kind. ugh. Not only that, but he asked me to pray for him. wow. He's always talking about wicca and such (mistype: suck. hmmm...what does that tell you about my experience with it?) So yes. He's in my prayers. I just don't know what I can do for him. He's all, "if she yells at me one more time, I'm gonna snap." He walked in the store at 3 talking about committing suicide. *sigh* I thought about giving him my number and telling him to call me if he needed anything. But hell. What happened the last time I let all these "problem boys" in??? Weird guy (wanted to be a girl) had serious problems with depression, suicide, drinking. These all seem to come hand in hand. Then Evan...I got so upset about it, and constantly worried something would happen to them. Or they would act on what they threatened. I couldn't handle it anymore. I struggle with letting people in like that. Cause I worry so much. I care too much. And ugh, it's stressful. So I didn't give him my number. I'm always afraid people abuse my trust. I did however let him use my chapstick. He's a good boy. He's nice, funny, and even though he has this "grar! I draw pentagrams on the folding table!!! and listen to Manson!!!" He's really just a fuzzy teddy bear.

~Everything I try to find, is every love I'll never hold. And in your garden now, the weeds are choking seeds we've sown.~

Hmm, well. Boys??? There is no time for boys. I think I'm thankful for that. I can stand in the front of the store (which is obviously the only place I go) and I can people watch. I can look at all these fabulously hot guys...and that's it. No stupid crushes...no dumb wild goose chases. Thankfully, time away from certain persons has caused a numbing of my feelings. I'm at peace with myself. (whether or not I chose to be that way) I work...so much. And the time I'm not working, (odd hours of the day) I'm resting my feet (they ache) or I'm catching up on sleep. (I should be doing that right now) or I'm curled up in the fetal position almost in tears from the killer cramps from hell. (I love being a girl) or I'm watching tv late late at night (cause I can't sleep) or I'm eating. (cause I'm a fatty) That's all I do. This is my emotional postion: settled. That's what I'm calling it. Not comfortably. But settled. I need money, so I work all the hours I get. Which doesn't leave much for social activities. Hmm, lastly...I got my grades from the school office. (we get them through e-mail which is definitely good) I passed math. How much of a relief is that?!?! I seriously thought I was going to flunk that class. I got a C- though...not really worth bragging about. But hell, it's WAY better than what I thought I'd get. And it's better than what I got in my senior year high school math course. (yup, a D) UVC...think about this now...I skipped as many UVC classes as possible. I get an A. Then English and theatre I got B's. I'm all proud of my 2.65 point average. RAWK! (I'm so lame) But if I can force that up next quarter with my history and my poetry classes, then I'll think about not taking the math over again. I called Lisa up immediately after I saw my grades. It's cool, she passed the class she thought she was going to bomb too. How awesome is that? I'm just...no matter how bad the day was, that made it a good day. It's been a good day. How 'bout you?

~and so I turn to you my love for the solace that is there and offer any cherished thing for a slight reprieve. I hoped that you might find me here, and I could learn to smile again.~

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