Who's Naughty?


12-13-03

~Breathe in for luck. Breathe in so deep.~

That's right. I'm naughty. On the laptop...just waiting for padukes to walk in and catch me. It's his baby. And I'm corrupting it. Putting all sorts of strange sites into the history. He'll know I was on it either way. But if I can finish this and put it back before he gets home and then leave before he has the chance to bitch at me for it, we're safe. I can't help it. My connection is still bum. And I have no access to the things I had total access to before. I'm deprived. Poor me. So I'm naughty. And Santa, you can kiss my ass. Bah humbug!

~How dare you say that my behavior's unacceptable.~

So, work is a bore. I think it's about time I start taking classes over at the branch again. Greg and I were talking about that the other day. He's pretty gung ho about me going back to school. I went through some of my old college stuff and dammit...I've got the bug. It's going to take much more than that to get my ass back in school though. I just don't have the motivation. I was so excited about being able to pay my bills and have money left over. No more debt. Please!

~It's not always rainbows and butterflies. It's compromise that moves us along.~

So I had this fantastic dream last night that's kept me in good spirits all day. The oddest thing...I dreamed I won some contest where I got to spend the day with Jason Mraz. No, it wasn't a wet dream. Just me and Mraz hanging out and having a good ol' time. The details escape me at this point. The dream took place quite awhile ago but damn. It was fun. Like going out and having a really great time...and I didn't even have to get out of bed. Now that's what I call heaven. I don't know why but sometimes dreams are so wonderful for me. It's one or the other. There for awhile, I was having horrible dreams. I'd wake up in a cold sweat with tears running down my face. For 2 months, I was afraid to sleep. Those were unfortunately all dreams about Kyle. Speaking of that one...Nicole and I stopped in to tell him the lovely news. I agreed to join her even though she gave me the option to shop around while she told him about the divorce. But I thought twice about it. Why can't we speak on normal terms? Why does it have to be the way it's been? Awkward accidental glances. Running into each other and then running away in the opposite direction. That's just unnecessary. So the three of us stood there in Pac and joked around a bit. I'm elated that it turned out so well. I don't think Nicole realized...I don't think anyone would understand how much it means to me to just...talk to him without hating myself. I contemplating sending a Christmas card his way. But decided against it. Slowly if at all, things will settle down. It's been over a year that we've been apart. I don't care if it takes a century before we can renew the friendship that I miss so badly. I'll wait.

~I done you so wrong. Treated you bad, strung you along. Oh shame on myself, I don't know how I got so tangled.~

Christmas is coming. I'm frightened. Thanksgiving wasn't so bad but...I want it to all be overwith. Let's go back to warmer weather. The spring. That's what I'm looking forward to. Light jackets, no holidays, later daylight...It's only 5pm and it's already dark. I get so depressed in the winter. I've been pretty awful the past few days. Can't get up on time. Stumbling into work looking like hell. Barely making it through my 9 hour shifts. Doing the BARE minimum to get by. It's like a dark cloud of procrastination takes over. Not that I don't procrastinate any other time. It's worse though. I got on the highway the other night headed for super Wal-Mart to get my nails done. (The guys there are awesome) and I wanted to just keep going. I want to escape. A week, a month, a year. To just leave all the crap behind and go away for awhile. Blah. That's when I realize how many people I'd piss off in the process. Then I realize just how stuck I am. I'll never get out of here. Not sure if that's a good thing or not. Eventually I'll understand the reasoning for all of it. And I'll settle down and begin living. Right now, it's just survival.

~I would gladly hit the road. Get up and go if I knew that someday it would lead me back to you.~

But...the battery is dying on the laptop and I need to shower. I'll think about my wonderful dream and forget how stupid things are right now. No stress. Just chillin' with Jason while his sweet voice lulls me into a state of pseudo-happiness. Life is but a dream.

~Sleeping to dream about you...~

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