12-10-00 Sunday

~everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break.~

Thinking...thinking...too much thinking. I watched MTV New Years uncensored. (Carson Daly drunk...singing Greenday I hope you had the time of your life...just hilarious.) But there was a point to this...oh ya, IT'S FRICKIN' DECEMBER!!! New Years 2001 is just around the corner. I can remember last year's party like it was yesterday. Kir's basement...James and I were still together. We were the first ones there...watched Empire Records. Then everyone started to show up...it was after the big "Dan dream" (if you don't know, don't ask) and he showed up out of nowhere. I don't think anyone even invited him. Actually, I think he went just because he knew Andrea would stop by. As she was leaving, he walked in. He and his cousin Rob. Once he got there...all focus turned from "hey I'm actually going to have a good New Year for once" to "oh my gosh...Dan is here, and so is my boyfriend. What am I going to do?!?!" Then I ended up paying far too much attention to Dan...and little to no attention to James...who then chose to amuse himself by wrapping ribbon around his head and running around the basement. The scary thing was when Dan and James played ping pong together. The worst part was when we watched Shakespeare in Love. Picture this: Dan to my left, James to my right. James didn't want to be there anymore, and Dan and I were talking through the whole movie about Wallace and Gromit. When Dan left, James and I headed out the door. We drove seperately I think, and it was awkward leaving. UGH! But I suppose it was better than the year before that when I stayed home to watch my brother while my parents went out. I watched movies all night, and my psycho ex-boyfriend called like 5 times. he was stoned...and it was awful.

~I need a little room to breathe.~

So now we have present day drama. I saw the last person I thought I'd see for awhile today. Well, I've seen a few of those lately...but Dan came into the store today. With 2 guys...one his age, one was older. After Dan and I had been talking for awhile, the older guy comes over and says, "I don't know what's going on over here...this conversation...or flirting or whatever, but I feel left out." then he and the other guy went to American Eagle. I don't understand why everyone thinks Dan and I flirt. We were talking about his new girlfriend Jill. How is that flirting??? Anyhow, I thought it was funny. I also saw...Stoner today. He looks like hell. But he's looked like that for awhile now. He came in with Loretta, took one look at me, said "sup?" then walked on past. That's all I got outta him. *sigh* I can't...I just don't understand. But then I saw Channie after I got off of work. I was on my way to Bath & Body Works to pick up some Christmas presents, and she and her mom were on their way into The Gap. So I stood there and talked to her for about 15 minutes. She got into a big car accident on Wednesday. Almost hit a semi...landed in a ditch, the car flipped on its side. No one was hurt (she had a passenger) I'm just glad she's safe. Dianne had called me I think on Thursday and told me about it. So I knew she was ok. But she was laughing about it. Now, I knew that girl was a terrible driver when she told me she hit McDonald's. It's ok though. She still hasn't caught up with my big 7. (that's how many car accidents I've been in) Not that I'm proud or anything.

~Your body language says so much, I can feel it in the way you touch. But until I hear those words it's not enough. Don't let me be the last to know.~

So I was on the phone with Nicole last night, and she told me something funny. I guess Crazy Jon got me a Christmas present. I laughed...then tried to make a big thing out of it. She's like, "It's NOT a big deal. Trust me." I also tried to get her to tell me what it is. But she wouldn't. So now, I have to get him something. (urg) I made her give me a price range...she said $5. So I guess what he got me really isn't a big thing. But it's the thought right? Anyhow, her next big plan is to hook the two of us up. Now, she's tried this before. (laugh) and it didn't work. She claims, "I went about it all wrong". So I'm scared now. *sigh* So um, anyhow, I just gave big relationship advice to Kory. I hate it when I do that. Cause I read what I said and I think...hmmm. Why can't I follow my own advice? I suck.

~illusion never changed into something real~

So I've been working with this kid John a lot at work. He reminds me too much of myself and the group I hung out with in high school. He's so funny though. He says he doesn't like Ben because he doesn't laugh at his jokes. But he likes me. (cause I actually get his jokes) He says that Jill is afraid of him because he drew a pentagram on the folding board. And Kellie calls him weird all the time. He quotes Biodome better than Kyle and Matt ever did. We've bonded over the past few days...so much that I almost bought him cigarettes. (I won't even get them for my parents...and I almost got them for a 16 year old...*wrinkles brow*) Hell, it's taken all I have in respect to will power, to keep myself from buying cigarettes...for me these past few weeks. I go to the gas station...and I'm like "you're buying GAS!!! gasgasgasgasgasgasgasgas" But he's a cool kid. I'd rather not talk about why I've felt the need for nicotine. Just trust me. I won't do it. threaten maybe...but I won't do it. I ended up in a big conversation with Mandy today about Matt Harris. Don't know how that happened. She was talking about how he pretty much lived at her house this summer. Then asked me what I thought about him. I said "hey, I never really liked him...but we're civil. Almost cool with each other now. I'm not gonna hold a grudge." Then she said, "and what's up with that girl Kristin (yes she said it wrong) does she still work here??? I heard she was in love with Matt." I think I said, "umm, ya she still works here. I don't know about the Matt thing." then I kinda...changed the subject. I don't even want to get into that conversation. because, to be honest, no matter how much Kir says in her entries, I still have no clue. So I'm not saying anything to anyone. If Kir wants Mandy to know about her business, she can tell her. I'm no longer in high school. I will not gossip. That's my New Year's resolution.

~Don't fall away and leave love bleedin' in my hands.~

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