8-18-02
~and it's been so long since I've seen you here~

I'll tell you exactly why I am updating my webpage. Because I never do anymore. And there is also a reason for that. I stopped updating because it caused too much drama. And because, some things just shouldn't be shared with people who really don't know you very well. And quite a few people who don't know me, do, have, and will read this. I regret this journal. I honestly do. But I am updating just to prove how much drama I can stir up with a few little words on the internet. I've done it before and by golly I will do it again.

So yes, as most of you know, Kyle and I broke up for a while a few months ago. It's a very long story. We fought everytime we talked with each other, and there were many many problems that are unexplainable and quite frankly, nobody's business. Both of us made mistakes when we broke up. I made the mistake of taking someone who I thought was a good friend's advice. She told me that it would be better if Kyle and I took a "break" and tried to settle things nicely. She said that she wished she had done the same with her ex-boyfriend because he wouldn't hate her so much now. So I took a break with Kyle. But it got to the point that he was still constantly around. And he still wanted to hang out all of the time. When the main purpose for the break was just to chill out and take some time to fix the other parts of my life like my store etc. But that really wasn't happening. So we ultimately ended up just breaking up. And in turn, that "friend" stabbed me in the back and played both sides. She told Kyle that I treated him like shit and he deserved someone better than me anyway. Then later claimed that that wasn't what she said. But, that's what Kyle told me that she said TO HIM. So I believe him first...and even if it's not what she had said, that's how he took it. So, one lesson learned.

~yesterday was all my fault. I let negativity get the better of me. thank goodness for the bathtub and suds. they temporarily set free this quandry.~

So that's basically the break up in a nutshell. Which had nothing to do with #2. Tim was a guy that I met kind of through a friend of a friend of a friend. Ironically, one of those friends just happens to be the backstabber. And even more ironically so, she is also a friend of the girl that Kyle dated while we were broken up. (I'm noticing a pattern). So I hung out with Tim for a while. I got my ass chewed by everyone at first. Mainly because we're totally opposite...and he was the personification of everything I once despised. (makes him sound like a really great guy huh?) But I have nothing bad to say about him. He was much better than what everyone thought he was. So he smoked a lot of pot...and liked Slipknot and Pantera...he was a heavy metal stoner. And I liked it. Honestly, he never did anything harmful or hurtful to me. He was wonderful. My dad kind of made me realize toward the end of Tim and my relationship that we had moved WAY too quickly. So I tried to slow things down. He got upset that Kyle and I were still civil. Kyle came down to my store like everyday to visit. I wanted to keep things good with Kyle because he obviously meant a lot to me. We spent a large sum of our lives together. And that's important to me. Kyle never really gave up on me. He almost did several times though. And I feel horrible that he had to find out about things the way he did. Because people in the mall act like it's high school. The gossip is awful. And that's how Kyle found out that Tim and I had sex. Hmm, and I'm pretty sure that the gossip went through that same backstabber. But, he found out, and still forgave me. I just wish I could have told him. Anyhow, It really pissed Tim off when he knew that I talked to Kyle. It didn't help that his friend was telling him to kick Kyle's ass. Things got pretty rough.

When Tim and I first got together, I explained to him how much I hated his pot smoking. And he said he'd try to quit. I made it very clear that I didn't know how long I would be able to put up with it. And he almost quit. From what he told me the other day, he was down to only once a week. And compared to how much he smoked before, that's REALLY good. But our fighting about Kyle got worse, and I started to ask him when the last time he smoked was. And the last time I asked, we were standing in my store. I just randomly asked. And he told me it was just the other day. I thought for a second, and I couldn't remember if I had seen him that day or not. But it pissed me off so much because it made me feel like I had to babysit him to get him to stop. And I couldn't always be there. I knew he didn't want to quit. So I got mad. I stormed into the backroom and started throwing things. I had been thinking for some time that maybe I had made a mistake. And I had cheated on him with Kyle. I went over to Kyle's one night because I needed someone to talk to. I was really upset about everything. In fact I think it was the last time Tim said he'd smoked pot. The night all his friends from Michigan came over and I said I was sick so I could leave. (I really didn't like being around a lot of tim's friends. Especially when they had been drinking and the whole house smelled like marijuana. it made me sick.) So I went to Kyle's house. And ended up kissing him. 2 lessons learned.

~I don't want you to feel sorry for me. You never gave us a chance to be. I just wanted you to tell me the truth. You know I'd do that for you.~

So Tim smoked again that night. And when I found out at work that day, I yelled at him. (Like I had room to say what was right or wrong. I made an even worse mistake myself) But I told him to go away. And he stormed out of the store. So I got mad. And I left DJ to run things. Because I didn't want to piss everyone else off. I needed to cool off. So I drove across the street to the Pharm to get some icecream. Well, Tim hadn't had enough. He must have saw me in the mall parking lot, and he followed me across the street. And we proceeded to have a domestic dispute in the parking lot of The Pharm. I broke up with him. It was horrible. But I said I'd come to get my stuff. I'm sure he went straight home and burned a whole bag. Which makes me feel so much better. Like I drove him to do the thing that I hated most about him. Later that week, I picked up my stuff and what I feared was true. He had a pipe sitting on the table. Every bong in the house was out and used. There were seeds and stems all over and a huge bag of shit in the middle of everything. Not surprising...but it hurt. He answered the door with his slits for eyes. And let me in. Wouldn't hardly look at me. And we had another argument. Interrupted by a phone call from Kyle. He didn't know that Kyle and I were already pretty much back together. But he was cold, and bitter. I was mad cause there was f'n paraphernalia all over the place. So I left. Took my shit and left him sitting in his room in the dark. What a buzzkill huh? I know he was upset. UGH. But I left.

~It's much too late. You seem so far away~

So for the past two or three weeks, Tim was gone. Home to Connecticut. And Kyle and I got back together. Which brings us to lesson #3. Ultimately the reason for this entry. I found out that the girl who Kyle claims to have gone out on 2 dates with while we were broken up, had been talking some massive shit about me. Lots of people in fact decided to inform me that this girl had a serious problem with me. Including a certain someone who has access to a local band's webpage which has some chat thing on it. I guess they were talking a lot of shit on that chat. I decided to check it out. Because someone told me that it included all kinds of bullshit about me and my little fling with the guy from the shoe store down the hall, and Kyle...and everything else under the sun. I found nothing of the sort. What I did find was a link to April's (the girl that Kyle dated...kinda) on-line diary. I really had no desire to dig into this girls personal life. But when I found an entry titled, "I hate ex-girlfriends", I couldn't help myself. Kyle had pretty much told me everything that had happened between the two of them...which consisted of, not much really. They went to the movies once or something. He told me that he never really liked her. Well, he told me that he didn't even find her attractive before they even went on a date. Which made me ask him why he was even dating her to begin with. But I was dating someone else who smoked pot. So I had no room to talk. After they went out, I guess she jumped him one night (and those are Kyle's words thank you. I'm not making things up. if you want to be mad at anyone, it's him) and kissed him. Which he also informed me that he didn't enjoy kissing her at all because she had bad breath. (once again, not my words.) And he missed kissing me. So while I was reading her diary, I found all sorts of good things. Including things that Kyle said never happened (making out through half of some disney movie) But I don't care about that. He and I weren't together. And it's his business. But I thought it was a bit entertaining to find that exaggeration had to take place in this diary that was supposed to be the cold hard truth. The facts of this girls life. She also proceeded to hate on me. Stating that I am a "dumb bitch" and the "runny part of shit" because Kyle is the chunky part and together we create diharrea. Now that's what I call maturity. She also continued to state that she had 14 million dates lined up and she is the mack daddy pimp shit etc etc etc. While claiming to be the picture perfect Christian teenage girl. Many people signed her page calling out this hipocracy. So thankfully I didn't have to. I also found that someone else that I trusted stabbed me in the back one day. She came into MY place of business claiming not to be a friend of any sort to April. And she bashed her...so I felt free to mention that Kyle had told me that she had offered to have sex with him after only dating him for about a week. This got back to her, and she was so pissed. And then bashed me some more. The dumb bitch name was used quite frequently. But you know, that's ok. She tried to twist any and everthing she could to make all the people who read her little diary believe that I am the biggest piece of shit on the planet. But hell, someone has to be. Which is why I choose not to bash her here. And I hope that pisses her off more than any hurtful words I could use against her. So she can think whatever she wants. And she can say whatever she wants (which is why we all live in a "free" country right?) I don't contend to be God's gift to men. And I'm not going to flamboyantly state how much better I think I am than she is. But I do have one statement for her. (because I plan to leave a link to this on her page) Quality is MUCH better than quantity. Dating all of these guys is not going to find you a life-long mate. You'll find that in a friend if you're lucky like me. And bashing someone out of spite won't get you anywhere but feeling sorry for yourself. I've admitted my faults here for you and all your friends to read. The TRUTH about my faults. So if you continue to call me a liar, everyone now knows it's not true.

~just when I thought that i was better, I realized I didn't know what better was.~

And thus, the purpose for wasting an hours worth of my time. Sorry for the many run-on sentences. Kyle is babbling about how gay his hair is (I agree, ha ha). So, now I have to find a way to spend my evening. Something other than talking about shoes, Kyle. Thank you. Fair enough. Most song quotes in this entry were stolen from the fabulous Incustank. (Kyle's term for Hoobastank, cause yes, they are a cheap, not so good looking rip off of the best band ever.) I still like it. I know, I've taken the sad sad path of the mainstream groupie. And although everyone told me not to retaliate this way, I have.

~too little too late~

That statement bears too much truth.