08-06-00 Saturday

I am not proud
I did NOT ask to be abused. Verbally. I was attacked today. By someone that once meant a lot to me. At one point in time. And he would still. If he wasn't a crack head. If he wasn't a drunk...if he wasn't abusive to everyone around him. He meant a lot to me...but more to Nicole. And I called him this evening to ask if he wanted to come and spend time with those who genuinely care about him. (we had been calling around for people to eat pizza and watch a movie with us...but James and friends had plans...and no one else was home. I REALLY need to talk to James. I guess he metioned talking to me...)anyhow, I obviously called Stoner at a bad time. He was smoking a joint while talking to me...and laughing wildly...not listening to a word that came out of my mouth...but to a group of so called friends who were joining him in the "festivities". Nicole was listening in on the other line...and sobbing quietly. She was his best friend...and it really hit her. It hit us both...and we ended up crying a bit...then we decided to order a pizza and watch a chick flick.

~Come on Understanding visit me for once today~

So we drove to Delphos...and got hit on by the kid running the counter at the video store...we picked up the pizza and drove back. I finally got to see The Truth About Cats and Dogs. Which is an awesome movie. HELLO! Average chick gets the cute guy with an accent. Rock! Amen to average chicks. Tyler showed up half way through that movie...we had an episode of ATTACK OF THE 40 FOOT SPIDER!...then we watched Sleepy Hollow. Which was just...too much like a Scream movie...or Sherlock Holmes...it was one of those movies where you can never figure out who the killer is until the end. Then I came home...to find my parents fighting again. That's never something nice to come home to.

~Did we ever have an understanding? Did we ever have anything at all? Not that I recall.~

Ya...Nicole and I had stopped in at James house on our way back from shopping. But he wasn't home...The atmosphere at his house had changed. Usually, the porch is empty...and you ring the door bell...hear the stomp stomp of Audrey running to answer...and the dogs barking. But it was different. His dad was on the porch talking to some guy. And Audrey answered...silently. (she was quiet...which is abolutely absurd) I asked if James was there...and she said he was out back with Goo and Andrew...only he wasn't. His dad said they might have gone out for food. So we went back to Nicole's and paged Andrew. I let Nicole answer...because I haven't reached the point of speaking to him. He gave us some...top secret information which I'm not at liberty to mention...but it explains the odd phenomenon at James house. That's rough. And I just want to say, James, I'm totally here for you. You know that, that's probably why you wanted to talk to me. Call any time. I don't care...unfortunately...I won't be home very much tomorrow (sunday) but I'll be at the Square Fair. So come and find me. There's a concert...LPC...that's where I'll be. I have no clue what time. but that's where I'll be.

~Take this pink ribbon off my eyes. I'm exposed, and it's no big surprise~

I am disgusted by the whole world right now. I have no faith in anything but God. I just...it makes me sick! I shouldn't have to know or understand the things that are going on. I shouldn't see this. It's not my idea of "one nation, under God" all I see is drugs, alcohol, babies making babies, broken marriages, feuding religion, and children being raised in these terrible situations. I am NOT impressed. We wonder why other countries look at us and laugh...why other countries absolutely despise our culture...

~...light only enters through a crack or a hole, it's not enough for a human to grow...trapped in a box...~

I realized what I've known for quite some time now...it really hit me today. Everything is about confidence. No matter how you look at a situation. The more confidence you have...the better your outcome. No one benefits from low self-esteem. You could be disgusting...dirty...bleeding...but if you have confidence...and if you ask for what you want...you'll get it. That used to be my motto for life...if you want something, ask for it. But I never really did. I'd say it...I'd tell others...but when it came to any situation involving me...I'd curl up in a ball and shiver. I'm a chicken. And I have a terrible self-image. But I deal. And it really shakes me...knowing...having friends who can't handle their insecurities. I was chatting with Evan. And he was beating himself down again. He made the right decision...and was still abusing himself for even thinking of making the wrong one. And no matter what I do, he doesn't listen. That hurts. Because if I'm in a position to help, I do...and he won't let me. He says he's hopeless. Whatever. He's got it good compared to others. I just...I don't know.

~I'm definitely sure that I'm not sure~

I'm tired of trying to help people who won't appreciate the effort. I'm tired of wanting to be there for people who don't give a crap. I'm tired of losing friends to drugs and alcohol. I'm sick of it!

~I wish that I could say that I was sure~

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