Keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground...


08-30-03 2:57am

~Go your own way, I'll be with you. make mistakes and I'll forgive you...~

What a day...I'm speaking of the 29th. The 29th has not yet ended for me but this is being posted as the 30th because technically it is. The 30th that is. If I say today, I really mean Friday the 29th. Work this morning...seems like it happened quite awhile ago. Then again, I was up at 7am and only worked until 2 this afternoon. Work was typical. It was work...although, Shannon informed me today, while ringing up my purchase of 4 articles of black clothing, that not only did she hire me for the reasons stated in the last post but also because I bring the "edge" into Wet Seal. An edge that has obviously been neglected by her staff of skinny, cute, petite girls. I'm supposed to attract the scene kids...all I have to say about that is, when I was in "the scene", Wet Seal did not exist. It was strictly thrift store shopping...maybe some skate apparel here and there. Unfortunately, I worked at GZ during most of that time. Hey, I have no choice but to give the girl what she wants. It's liberating, don't get me wrong. I'm more comfortable physically with this new found freedom. I can wear slacks that aren't painted on, shoes that don't kill my feet, shirts that don't cut off my air supply. But, when I walk into work in comfy black pants and a t-shirt, look around and see that everyone else working is wearing the most form fitting clothes, showing off every part of what it is to be a female...I feel a bit...hmm, unattractive. I went for 7 months without really caring about how I dressed or if I fit in. Now I'm tossed back into the public eye...single no less. The least I want to do is make myself presentable. I tried...the first few days. But I think I'm at the point now where I can finally feel comfortable just being who I am. No frills, no excess. If the general public doesn't like it...I really could care less. If potential guys don't like it, then they're not worth the time in the first place. "Fuck the freeworld!"

~I am fine...~

So while the other girls all represent the preps, the hootchies, the ghetto style...It's now my duty to represent the underground scenes. The goths, the punks, the emo/hardcore/straightedge chicks. Call me a stuck up old school scener but I'm afraid the girls who buy these sorts of clothes from us only do so because it's what happens to be on MTV right now. Prime example...and I hate to bring this up A: because Mraz looks wonderful in his trucker hats and B: because it involves mentioning Kyle once again. But dammit, it was almost 2 years ago that Kyle was wearing those damn mesh hats. Old vintage ones. Beat up hats that he either got from his dad or bought at good will. It took f'n forever before the trend caught on with the skater/surfer crowd at PS early last year. Now all of a sudden, it's the "new" big thing. I don't know, things like that bother me. I'm a bitch. Anyhow, I'm now wasting more money that I do not have on more clothes that I do not need. This is what it's like to be the outcast in high school...whose style was frowned upon and then embraced only a year or so after you're breakthrough style has evolved into something completely different. This is what it's like to pretend as though you're original when originality does not exist. Tim would be so proud. The "new" and "improved" me...



Thank you, thank you...hold your applause please. I still have one more thing to say. I want to thank the Seattle grunge scene of the early to mid-1990's and those before them who thought it was a good idea to attach your wallet to a chain. Genius! It even doubles as a weapon while you're being tossed around a mosh pit. A "weapon" that got wallet chains banned from high schools world wide after the infamous shootings. But who needs the f'n wallet anymore when you can buy JUST the chain. It's highly fashionable these days. Okay, okay, I'm tired of making fun of myself. I'll just remember the good ol' days of high school when we were called hippies. The pant legs were always too wide. The boys hair was always too long. When it was a challenge to have the most or longest wallet chains. So long they'd hit the floor (clank, crash) when you sat down at your desk. Those were the days. Me and MTV!!! We're bringin' it back. Muahahahahaha! I feel like a grandma. Like a sell out grandma. I wonder what it feels like to actually be one of the originals. The Ramones, The Clash...just to name a few of the more well known. Joey, Johnny, Sid, I'm sorry guys. Anarchy just isn't what it used to be.

~London's burning!!!~

Damn, so back to whatever it is that I talk about on here that seems interesting enough for 3-7 hits a day. After work, I came home for some relaxation time. I was off early so there was plenty of time before my usual buddies would join me. Then I remembered the interesting conversation I'd had with TJ the day prior. He told me to call him when I was off. So after a brief conversation with Laurie, I called the TJ. He invited me over for laundry day. As flattering as it seemed, I declined. But I got bored listening to my dad bitch about his job situation. (practice what you preach ass) So I called TJ back to inform him that I'd be over with some Mcd's. I sat on his new couch for like 3 or 4 hours. True story. In between his running back and forth to the community laundry room we watched Red Dragon and several episodes of The Simpsons. Josh stopped by long enough for me to apologize for Nicole and my rude phone calls. He kept looking at me funny. I can't decide if it's because he hates me for the late calls or if maybe word spread like wildfire (as it usually does) and he knows about the stupid dave thing...whatever. Then Jeff popped in for a spot. Long enough for me to catch on to the new gossip...he's dating TJ's friend Cathy now??? And Cathy is mad at TJ...it's all quite confusing. It's really none of my business. Besides entertainment value...But this is the girl who "hates" me for no apparent reason. Because I was hanging out with TJ when she wanted to. I think he wanted us to hate each other...in a twisted sort of way. What guy doesn't want multiple girls fighting over him though? Maybe that's why he decided he didn't like me anymore. Because I didn't give two shits about fighting over him. I'm just glad that I'm not involved this time...because I get to laugh at it all from an outsiders p.o.v. I still don't know if I really enjoy hanging out over there. The atmosphere is much better now that Pat's gone though. It wasn't a bad time. One thing I will say, TJ isn't so terrible when his friends aren't around. We just sat there and snickered at the television. No conversation...an entire couch cushion between us. He's not such a bad acquaintance. Like most people, he has his good moments. But I will happily continue to maintain my distance from him. From all boys for that matter. Though I talk about it quite often...hell, I dwell on it. I really haven't the patience to hook up or attempt any sort of relationship beyond opposite sex friends. I'm still convinced that it's my weakest point. Isn't it ironic that in the last post I stated that happiness in love is what I want most out of life and yet I have no luck or skill or whatever it takes to master such an untamable beast...

~I would do oh anything spontaneously...~

This is taking forever and I'm starting to fall asleep at my chair again. So here's the cut version of the rest of my pointless babble. After numbing my mind in front of TJ's tv, I headed over to Laurie's where we decided to meet TJ and his crowd at the bowling alley for some billiards. Played a couple of shitty rounds of pool...witnessed poor Jeff and his unfortunate date with "the hater". Heard some strange stories that I honestly did NOT want to hear about Kyle and Nikki. Something about finding her purse at the theater...someone went through it and found her private list of things she hopes to accomplish in life which included: becoming a chimp trainer and getting back together with her boyfriend from California??? First of all, it's none of my business. Secondly, I don't know how much of it I believe...but like I said, strange stories I just didn't need to hear about. The last thing I need to do is start to pity that boy. Or feel bad for him in anyway. F that! He won't even talk to me. Why should I feel anything at all? I don't. I'm numb to that whole situation. I really can't feel bad or good or luke warm about any of it. NUMB...I suppose the worst part is just the constant reminder everytime somebody brings shit up. Not pain, not joy...just sick and tired of listening to it. I want to revert back to my 6 year old self, place my hands over my ears, and scream.

~It only gets better...~

Yup...besides hanging out with Laurie and Steve at the house later, that's all. Oh...and Steve making fun of me for the stupid dave thing. That's what I'm going to call it. "He's like half your age!" He's not really...I don't think...He can't be...he'd be eleven. I don't know how old this kid is! Who am I? Fucking Shirlock Holmes?? Laurie and I had talked about that earlier. Jokingly...we discussed how many laws I could break. hee hee. Not that I would. It's just funny. It's like...the youngest Hanson brother. I was like 16 or 17 when they came out...one of the girls that I went to the library with always talked about raping the littlest Hanson. We thought it was funny. Not sick. Cause you know it's not gonna happen. Just like the "stupid dave thing". It's funny. Because we all know it would never happen. That's what I'm here for. Comedic relief for the sake of everyone else's sanity. Laughter is a cureall.

~It's a deadend...~

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