08-30-00 Wednesday

MAAAAN! This has been...the day from hell. First of all, I can't stand not going to school. I get up...and I just have this urge to be away. Not to be in the house alone with my mother. I love her. I LOVE her. But we've done nothing but argue since school has started...since summer has started. It's been...harsh. We fought this morning. Because I get up, and she's like, "Your aunt is coming up, and we're leaving...she and I are going to get away from all the problems that we've had lately." And I was...crushed. I wanted to go. Because she is my best friend next to Nicole. I was really hurt. So we got into a fight. And it was...terrible. I cried. a lot. Then took a shower, my aunt came and brought my cousin Ali. So I got to go after all. And it was nothing but good after that. Cause we ate. and I filled my belly, and we went to the mall, so I found more stuff for Kir's "special package". It's so much fun. I've never really gotten into putting together something like this. It's so special...it makes me so happy. I've always loved buying things for people, cause I can pick out the perfect gifts. So this is just awesome. We HAD this whole plan...to go visit her in Kentucky. It would have been lovely. But a bunch of crap happened...and this weekend is supposed to break all sorts of Guiness record for traffic on the highway. So, seeing as I'm already accident prone...I decided that maybe it wasn't such a good idea. There was a huge group of us going too. Like 8 I think. We were going to take two cars and caraven down. But, first AJ got all mommified about it. So both he and Tyler couldn't go, then we found out about the traffic, and Nicole decided not to go. And then James said he couldn't go. I found out that Kris couldn't go tonight at youth group. (yes Kir, he was going to come. That was going to be a surprise) so the only people that could go were Rob and I. And my mother wasn't so happy about it to begin with. It was just bad timing. God said no. I said yes. Then He said, "uh no." then I said, "YA!" and He's like, "sorry, but no." and then I agreed. So this weekend is WIDE open for possibilities.

~With the sound of the ocean crashing, 7:30 Friday evening, everything comes tumbling down. I choke back each tear that bleeds. I'd rather rest forever in your arms. I'd rather stay here than go, but I know that I should leave. As I sit here helpless~

So youth group tonight was awesome as usual. We talked about position vs. character which is definitely something I have to work on. It was basically...position is you...when everyone is around. your behavior...and character is the other times...when you can say or do...whatever. and whether or not you choose to say and do wrong things. Like if you're around your friends...and you know they don't care if you curse...would you??? You know you wouldn't around your youth pastor...or at church. So why do you do it any other time? I REALLY struggle with that one. I've even tried negative reinforcement. I had a rubber band around my wrist, and everytime I cussed or even thought about it, I'd snap myself. I just ended up with welts on my wrist. My mouth is still bad. There's a verse I remember...but I can't remember...about cursing and praising God with the same tongue. That hits me. I try and remember that when I think about saying things. Think before you speak.

~and I will never be the apple of your eye.~

We all went to Arbys...and cause trouble...someone's sammich ended up on the floor. They hate us so much there. I ended up out at Nati's to pick him up for youth group...and found out he couldn't go...so I took his sister Natalie instead. And she has a crush on AJ. I proceeded to tell him. But Nicole and I decided that her crush will be over in 2 weeks max, and AJ wouldn't go out with her anyway because he's asexual...he doesn't care about girls. His life is drums and skating. Then Nicole went oldskool...and she's like, "you know what that means!!!" and we're both like, "HE'S GOT GOOD RHYTHM!!!" (giggles) it was hilarious. When we first met Danny at Value City (we all worked there) and I informed her that Danny was the drummer from Taunt...and she's like, "no way!" and I'm like, "uh ya." and she's like, "you know what THAT means! He's got good rhythm" it was funny at the time. but even moreso now. ya...anyhow, we go to leave...and we're standing in the parking lot...and by some twist of fate (ya...right...cough cough) a car pulls in...and I thought it was Danny. but it wasn't his car. Turns out it was. I never asked about the car. But I got to chat with him for a moment or two. He's...so surface anymore. It makes me really sad. (it was actually Danny AND Ben. and James is like, "it's Danny...and Beeeeen!!!" I could have slapped him) I don't know. The whole thing with Ben is...over. I thought he was attractive. Still do...but I'm not getting all...girlie-screaming Nsync fan-ohmygosh-it's Ben about it. And I found out from Ralph...1st that Alanna's little sister was reading my journal and happened to see his name...which was kind of shocking because I never thought she was the type of person to get into a soap opera like diary on the web thing. But ya. And I found out that the girl...the assistant manager that Kim mentioned IS quitting. She's going to work at another store. So I'm hoping to get a call from Kimmy soon. (crosses fingers) and somehow...(which kinda weirded me out) Ralph knows that I have blue hair dye. And he knew that I wasn't going to use it. He asked if he could have it...and I said yes. cause it got me all flustered. I don't know.

~The closest thing to perfect but the farthest thing from me~

That song makes me want to cry. I've been puffy eyed all day. So no more of that. Anyhow, I ended up driving James home. Cause I was worried sick about him. The whole time at Arby's, he was in this INTENSE conversation with Kelly. I looked at Nicole and said, "look over at James and tell me what you think that looks like." and she said it looked like they were about to break up. Natalie said the same thing. So when he came outside, I asked what was up, and made him let me take him home so we could talk. I guess he's had a really rough week. But no break up. Kelly really hates me. She considers me a threat. That kinda makes me feel bad. Even though I know that James and I are like brother and sister now. And we just chill and talk. I mother him. He told me that he broke his ankle...and he's not doing anything about it. I practically yelled at him. Telling him to go to the hospital. The boy does not take care of himself. And he worries me profusely. (that's not spelled right...I don't think) I worry about all of those boys. Nicole and I were talking about that through the first part of this entry. I was typing...and I had the telephone head set thingy on. I probably looked like a big computer dork. But I was telling her about the fact that I worry about James, Goo, and Andrew ALL the time. They're always...working out until they puke...or lifting heavy things at work...or having all sorts of communication skills problems...or just plain doing something illegal. I have good reason to worry. Then James tells me how his parents are fighting...and he's been taking the brunt of it so that his parents don't hate each other...they hate him instead. It's not HIS fight. He shouldn't be involved. So he's super stressed. and boy can I relate to that right now.

~words that can't be spoken stream off my face. and I wanna be selfish. I wanna be selfish. I wanna be selfish. You're my everything~

That song made me write a lot of poetry about me being selfish and telling certain people not to leave me. Anyhow, all of my friends...who went away to college are really...sad. They all want to come home. and take baths. What's with taking a bath??? I think both Kir and Alanna mentioned that...and sleeping in their own beds. I don't know...but sometimes I think I'd be happy to be gone and away from this house...and these people...but then I think...what would I do without mommy??? I'd have no clean laundry EVER! and I'd probably curl up into a ball and cry. I'm such a baby. I'm a spoiled/whiny/baby. So ya. I'm worried about my friends who are gone. Especially Alanna. Mostly because I know that Kir is used to living...away. (she stayed with her sister one summer) but the rules and stuff are probably the worst part for her. Alanna didn't have that advantage...and she's really upset. She's only been gone for...not even a week. and she wants to come home. Dang. Maybe college isn't so great after all. Dang. I need sleep. and I can't wait to hang up my new No Doubt poster tomorrow. Tony is a hottie. (dancing a little jig) ok...too long...tired...need sleep...fading...gone!

HOME
CONFLICTS

Email: holyrevelry@hotmail.com