08-28-00 Monday
~Don’t pull me down, this is where I belong.~
I have a whole new appreciation for football now. Definitely. I went to see The Replacements with Kristy tonight. Granted, It’s 12:24 am, and we went to the movie Sunday night…and it’s now Monday morning…anyhow, I wanted to see the movie because, of course, Keanu Reeves is amazing. He’s absolutely beautiful. The long hair really gets me. Right…but it’s a REALLY good movie. Beyond Keanu, it has all this romance/comedy/football action type stuff going on. And I honestly didn’t think I knew that much about football…but I could almost coach my own team. (ok, ok. I don’t know THAT much) It’s a good movie. After the show, we swung past Kristy’s boyfriend’s place. The first thing he says is, “who’s THAT?” I thought that was the perfect entrance. Then he questioned my style. Which is a BIG no no. I had on my new shiny black pants. (which are most comfortable even though they look like they wouldn’t be) He said something like, “leather pants???” and I screeched, “He’s already insulting my clothes!” and then he’s like, “no…there’s NOTHING wrong with them” He kinda flipped me out. He was…too…I don’t know. He kept giving me funny looks. Anyhow, on the way home, Kristy mentioned trying to hook me up with one of her friends. She had talked to me about some guy named Kenny…but said she’d ruled him out because he drinks or something. Which is good. But she mentioned him to J.R. (her boyfriend) and he’s like, “YA! Let me describe him to you and you can drool about him” or something. And I got a little defensive about that. Because NO guys make me drool. (ok I take that back. Case in point…Keanu Reeves in the black shirt!!! Definite drool factor) so anyway, he describes him as funny. So I said, “ya, and this compensates for what???” but he shot that down. He’s like, “he’s about 5 foot 10 to 6 foot tall. He’s medium build…short blonde, tipped, spiked hair…and he’s cut. Not really cut. He’s not fat. But he doesn’t have a 6 pack” Ok. That doesn’t sound bad. Here’s the catch…#1 he drinks #2 I think he smokes #3 he’s a mechanic. (PUKE!!!) 3 strikes you’re out…sorry. But everyone gets a chance. So I suppose I’ll meet him. Kristy will call and set everything up. (I’m sooooo excited…no)
~Am I strung out, crazy or not allowed to be the one who gets stupid over you. Lazy, laid back, maybe you’re just on crack. Why am I the one who gets f’d up and confused?~
I called Kir…left a message on her machine…haven’t heard from her…kind of bitter about that. But I also haven’t checked my mail. She could have e-mailed me. I have something that I really want to send to her. But I don’t have the address. I know I could call her mother and get it. And there are a few others I could probably get it from. But I want to know that she wants it. I want her to give me that much. I mean…not to sound shady, but it’s useless to keep trying to uphold some sort of friendship when only one person is willing to do so. I love her. She’s a huge part of my life whether I like it or not. And I just wish she could say the same about me. I’m trying…to open myself. To God, to friends, to my family. I stayed up until 4 in the morning last night with my brother. Just talking about…everything. And that’s the first time I’ve ever felt a common equality between the two of us. It was civil. And that’s rare.
~I think of a while ago, we might have had it all. I was so stupid then. You needed time to grow. But now just as things change, as well my feelings do. In time things rearrange, I am so sick of chasing you, but what do I get cause I just seem to lose. You make me regret those times I spent with you.~
I was rushing around getting ready so I could go do something, and the doorbell rings. Jehovah’ s witness…so I listened to his little speech, and I took his little pamphlet, and he threatened to come back and check on what I learned. He called me a “young person” and said he could tell I’m a Bible reader. It was offensive. But I started reading his booklet, and I corrected things. I read the scriptures. And nothing really fit. Mainly because it was trying to prove that Jesus wasn’t actually God’s son…and that God was originally called Jehovah. But the scripture that it (the booklet) claimed called Him Jehovah…didn’t in my Bible. I have the NIV so that pretty much explains that. It said a bunch of stuff about “spirit creatures” and how God is recruiting leaders. Because at Armageddon, Jesus is going to come and send non-believers to hell, and rule over the believers, teaching them perfection and turning the world into Eden. And he’s going to rule for a thousand years. (specifically) then everything will be exactly how God…(excuse me…cough…Jehovah) originally planned. “The meek shall inherit the earth.” I don’t know. Right now, all I’m saying is…let Him do whatever He wants. And just avoid sin at all costs…and ask for forgiveness when you screw up. (cause you will) Make an effort to change yourself for God, by reading his word, praying, building a relationship with the Lord, and don’t repeat sin. Learn from it. That’s my plan.
~all’s fair in love and war until you say it isn’t but you’re wrong…is it too much to ask for the things to work out this time. I’ve only asked for what is mine. I wanted everything, I got now I’m gonna throw it away. I’ll throw it away ya.~
Water sucks. I hate water. It tastes like poo. But I know I need it. And I’m forcing myself to drink it. It’s like…plug your nose and gulp. That sucks. Cause it makes me want to yak. If I can’t drink water…think how I would be in a bar. Ok, I’ve been in bars. I used to hang out in them when I was a kid. My friend’s dad was a bartender uptown, and we’d walk all the way (can you picture me a little skinny blonde girl, and an even skinnier red head walking in what I now consider “dangerous” parts of town???) …in the “bad neighborhoods” even at night to go find him. Then just chill there. Or at one of the other bars that knew us. We’d play pool and darts…sometimes we went to the grocery that always got robbed and buy candy with food stamps. (her family was on welfare. That’s one thing I can say. My family was never on welfare. We always had food. My dad always had a job. And my mom was always there for me. But I wanted to hang out with the girls who had it worse off because they were cooler than the others.) what a childhood. I’m proud. Anyhow, I know beer is nasty. I would yak. Seriously. WOW what a flashback. Speaking of flashbacks…doodaloo doodaloo doodaloo!!! (that’s a Wayne’s World thing)
-From The Chronicles-
Sun. August 27, 2000
The storm started a few hours ago, and I JUST checked my car windows. I let the cat in, and scared myself. I bent down to pet him, and said something like, “you’re all wet kitty”. And it sounded EXACTLY like Mike. I had a weird flashback of sitting in my Aunt’s living room and playing with her cat…the night we all got together and watched movies. It was the cutest thing. Mike just had this way of being really weird one minute and then adorable the next…you could see the change in his eyes. He had wild eyes. I was watching Miss Teen 2000 earlier, and the girl who won said something in her interview…One of the questions was, “describe three things about boys” and she said, “they’re trouble, extremely confusing, yet totally irresistible.” And even though she giggled and flipped her hair after she said it, she’s absolutely right. That night in my Aunt’s living room, I knew that Mike was different. And I’d been told that he…wasn’t…like other boys. But he was. In some ways at least. In those ways. And he picked up the cat, and set it between us on the couch. So we were both petting it, and he brushed my hand…I knew it was wrong for me to feel anything for him. But I couldn’t help myself. It was a matter of irresistibility.
~don’t bide your time, cause it is almost over, I know you’re down, I’ll see you around. And I know it hurts but you’re just getting older. I know you’ll win. You’ll do it once again.~
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