| Notes From the Fishbowl | |
| 8-23-05 ~I got soul but I'm not a soldier...~ | |
| I've been here
for an hour and a half. One customer so far. It's going to be one of those
days. Fortunately and unfortunately alone today, I have a feeling that by
the time 6pm rolls around, I'll be close to my favorite combination of
screaming, ripping out my hair, and an overall foul mood. Unless maybe I
resort to inducing the caffeine high of the century and amuse myself with
people watching and strange noises. Or...I'll exhaust my phonebook
resources and chat with friends all day. It's days like these when I hate
my job and despise life. When all of my daily duties are finished at noon
and I have 6 more hours to go and nothing to occupy the time. I could
clean. I could do more mailings. But I've gone through 3 rolls of 100
stamps so far this month and I can't spend anymore petty cash. So...that's
out of the question. Looks like my prediction will come true. I hate that.
I've been in a piss poor mood for the last 2 weeks. Why? Some would blame it on PMS which could be part of it. I've been stressed out over money since we've bitten off a little more than we can chew. I'm at a loss right now. I'd like to go out and be the person that I was several years ago when I felt like I was loaded because the only bills I had to pay were car insurance and cell phone. I could buy cd's and clothes and get my hair done. I could go out to the movies and blow $20 on ridiculously overpriced popcorn and sweets. Back then there was no such thing as rent or electric or loan payments. Let alone the credit card that's been used as back up for everything from cigarettes to gas to groceries to oil changes to decorations for our new apartment. On top of this there's the disappearing reappearing act of Ryan's friend Erin. One minute she needs time to get over him and they're no longer speaking to each other. (Relieving for me at the time) The next minute, they can't live without being friends and I get a letter from her confessing she's a reformed boyfriend thief. She swears up and down that she no longer has "those kinds" of feelings for my boyfriend. In fact, she thinks he's a sleaze bag and a jerk. But he's her best friend and we should all learn how to "be mature adults" and just get along for the sake of their friendship and our relationship. What do you say to that??? The conversation I had with Ryan went same as always. ME: No matter what I do, I lose. I can throw my hands up, let you continue to hang out with her and be miserable. Worrying myself to death because I don't know her, I honestly have no desire to attempt a friendship with someone who's played such a negative role in my life for the last year. Or I can express my displeasure, make you hate me because I'm supposedly holding you back and then what?! We'll ultimately break up. Either way, one of us is going to resent the other for this so...I may as well be the one. So I gave up the fight. What's the use. If he really wants to be with me then he'll figure it out in the long run. (Which I thought he already had...) If not, then maybe it just wasn't meant to work. But he got what he wanted so he was happy. And that's all I really want. So if I have to hurt to make him happy then so be it. It's the disease Jason mentioned in his last post. The Trytopleaseall Disease. |
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| ~It takes a crane to build a crane. It takes two floors to make a story. It takes an egg to make a hen it takes a hen to make an egg. There is no end to what I'm saying...Life is wonderful.~ | |
| I accidentally stumbled over proving my point. I've made a new friend recently. Here's some background. I've had a half assed account on Yahoo Personals for awhile now. Initially, it was opened to meet some new people and possibly make some new friends. Since I was working 6 days a week, living with Nicole and had little to no time to socialize with the exception of Saturday nights spent at the quasi-gay bar, I found it a bit interesting. The population on Personals was...mostly creepy. It's how I met big teeth Dan, Stuck on himself/druggie Derek (D-rock), The lisp/The Chad, and Hillbilly Ben the hair washing molester. Needless to say, mostly unsuccessful. But who was I meeting on Saturday nights at Park? The underage gay guy who felt up Nat, Nicole and I, the thuggish lesbian chick and her lipstick girlfriend, and Scott the one night spoon. The one night we went to Somewhere I met Sean who was half decent yet slightly strange and obsessive. Who did I meet when we went to regular bars??? Psycho Will who STILL has it out for me and Shane...who sucks as a friend right now. He's gone to the dark side. Anyhow, my point is, I wasn't meeting much of anyone anywhere. Since Ryan and I got back together, I was neglecting the account until Ryan got the bright idea to start a friendly competition. He put up his own account so we could see who would get the most messages. He has yet to receive one. I on the other hand have received several messages. Mostly guys who either don't have a "real account" (real = paid $20 to have the privilege to view your IM name so they can actually talk to you rather than just send a predetermined one liner.) or guys who do have a real account and don't realize that maybe the person that they're sending these messages to doesn't have a real account and therefore cannot respond back unless you list some other contact resource. A couple of weeks ago, I got one of those messages. Some guy sent me the lovely one liner which I, of course being the cheap skate that I am cannot respond to. Not that I would because having the account up had only become a game. Usually when you don't reply, they don't send another message. But I got a second and a third from this guy. The third containing his e-mail address because he realized there was a possibility that I didn't have an account and couldn't send him anything in return. By this time, I was worn down. He'd been trying so hard and really seemed interested, I felt bad. Because I have a boyfriend and shouldn't have an account there in the first place. So I sent him an e-mail explaining that I just recently got back together and moved in with my boyfriend. I apologized for being misleading. Told him that he sounded like a nice guy. Actually reminded me a lot of most of my friends. So I told him that maybe we could all hang out sometime. I'd see what I could do with hooking him up. I could play match maker!! He replied. Thanked me for my honesty and gave me his number so I could let him know what was up for the weekend. | |
| ~Do you ever wonder what happens to the words that we send? Do they bend do they break from the flight that they take and come back together again with a whole new meaning and a brand new sense completely unrelated to the one that I sent. Did you get my message???~ | |
| The weekend rolled around and I was attempting to make plans with Nicole. This was all before the discussion/argument with Ryan about Erin. Once that happened, I developed a headache and decided I was in no mood to go out and drink. It would only result in a worse headache and a party pooper attitude which would in turn pull everyone else's mood down and screw up others good times. I don't like being the spoiler of others fun so I bailed. But Ryan decided to go out anyway. He wanted to go out to celebrate his win and drink a few for a friend's going away party. I made plans for a long bath and then bed. So I sent a text message out to those who I was disappointing by my foul mood and absenteeism. No one else seemed to care at the time but the dude from Personals. He told me he'd decided to stay home as well. It was a Blockbuster night for him. The texting got old because the whole world can't be as fast as I am with my technologically advanced T9 word. It was a good idea to get an impression of this guy before unleashing some stranger on a friend. Figured I'd tell him that he could join the party next weekend and I'd see if Nicole was up to meeting some new potential. So I called him and called him a slow poke. We proceeded to discuss anything from technology to television programs to his book that he's written and my poor writing habits. We talked about old jobs and friends. Crazy party experiences. Realized we know some of the same people. (It's inevitable since it is a small world after all). Ryan was supposed to be home a little after midnight but closed down the bar instead. I was still yacking my ass off when he and Pat came in at 2:30am. But I let Kirk go so I could help talk Pat down from his sloppy drunken relationship issues. | |
| ~Let's keep talking. Anything to stop clockwatching. Let's forget we're running out of time.~ | |
| Sunday, Kirk text
messaged me. He asked if Ryan was upset since I'd been on the phone with
some guy he didn't know. But Ryan of course said he wasn't. He's okay with
me having guy friends because he wants me to be okay with his chick
friends. (I am okay with opposite sex friends. That was never the
issue.) He proceeded to peep over my shoulder as I was sending out a text
and accused me of trying to hide it from him. Last night he asked if I was
purposefully hiding it from him. Jumping to the conclusion that the only
reason I've made friends with Kirk was to get him back and prove a point.
Except for that this happened WAY before the Erin thing became an issue
again. So no. This was me making an unintentional point. The whole time he
was hiding his Erin encounters from me. (He still claims he wasn't because
I knew about all of them...only because I'd asked. Then he said, "Well I
knew you would ask so I didn't think I had to tell you." Well, if you'd
told me, I wouldn't have had to ask.) It pissed me off. So I told him that
he knew how I felt. I made a point but that doesn't mean I got the point
across. He still seems to think he's right and I'm wrong. Whatever. If it
makes him happy to be right, I'll let him continue to believe he's right
when all along I know the truth. That's a woman's place right??? And maybe
my friendship with Kirk will help me through that. It's certainly helped
me so far. I don't know if I was just feeling neglected by my boyfriend
for choosing his quasi-X's friendship over my feelings. Having a new
friend of my own to occupy my time away from Ryan is helping me keep my
mind off of the situation. It's always refreshing to meet new people
anyhow. I needed a Shane replacement. Since he's found a new girlfriend
and therefore ditched all of his female friends. HELLO! I don't hate him
for it. I'm a little pissed about other things but that's a completely
different story. So I suppose it will be expected that once I hook Kirk up
with someone or once he finds someone to hook up with, I'll lose him too.
Friends come and go. That's just...that's life. But ultimately, Ryan said
it best last night. "We both know who we're coming home to every night.
That's all that matters." It is.
~I'm no weatherman but you are lightning striking.~ |
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