08-21-00 Monday

~Stand up. You’ve got to manage. I won’t sympathize anymore, and if you complain once more, you’ll meet an army of me.~

So I’ve done a lot of nothing again. I talked to James this afternoon. Between whatever he was doing. I don’t even remember the conversation. Just a lot of, “hold on” then I waited for 5 or 10 minutes…he comes back. Some talking. “hold on” then I waited for what felt like forever. I accomplished finishing the paper journal entry I had been working on, and even wrote a poem in the time it took. Then I hung up the phone. He did call back though. And we talked a bit…about nothing like usual. But it’s nice to have someone that you can talk about nothing to. I’m not James bashing here. You have to be pretty comfortable with someone if you’re gonna talk about nothing. He mentioned his conversation with Kir. Well, I think I brought it up. I asked how she was. He said she wants to come home. I wish I could trade her places. No. I don’t. The rules at the school she’s going to…are WAY too strict for me. That…and I’d probably be home sick too. Ya. I talked to James. Then he said he might call later if he didn’t make any plans. And he might stop by. I rushed off to go to the gym.

~I miss you but I haven’t met you yet. So special but it hasn’t happened yet. You are gorgeous but I haven’t met you yet…and if you believe in dreams, or what is more important that a dream can come true, I will meet you.~

A whole week it’s been since Nicole and I last went to the gym. But I don’t feel it yet. I’m sure I will in the morning though. I gained 5 pounds. That’s ridiculous. I’m hoping that the idea of me gaining more than I lost will kick me into high gear, and I’ll stop eating like a mad man. I’m also getting my hopes up when I think that I’ll lose it all and then some by the time we get measured again. That’s next week Tuesday. So I’ve got tomorrow…Thursday. And then Monday and Tuesday next week before I get measured. 4 days at the gym, and better eating habits…(crosses fingers) Will power. That’s what I need. And I’m testing myself right now. I have two candy bars sitting in front of me. And they’re going to sit there. For as long as I have the power not to eat them. Tempting…chocolate…grrr! I’m not going to eat them. Maybe I can get James to come over and play football tomorrow. Or I could go over there. If he’s not busy. The last time we did that…I was on some sort of high. So I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I think it was adrenaline rush or something.

~I wish I’d only look, and didn’t have to touch. I wish I’d only smell this and didn’t have to taste~

Haha that lyric has double meaning!! But I almost don’t want to talk about the other one. Dang! No fair! Not a big thing…it’s not a big thing. I’m trying to convince myself. Anyhow, I think far too much. About things that shouldn’t be thought about. I overanalyze everything. And I’m doing it again. Goodnight.

~Some days my soul’s confined, and out of mind, sleep forever. Some days I’m so outshined and out of time, have you ever…~

Becca 4 Prez!

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