This one goes out to the Hellbeast


08-19-04 Laurie's birthday

~I waited here for so long / thinking that you'd see / You just kept on running away / You made your misery my company.~

This has officially been the week from hell. I've been surprisingly upbeat through all of the shit though. It's only Thursday...I've thought, "hmm, what's next!" and I've also thought, "Well, it can only get better from here". So who knows. In Ryan's words, "Something will happen." I hate it when he says that. At this point, it's not very likely I'll be hearing it for awhile. We broke up Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. After spending all kinds of time together Sunday and Monday, he jumped when his new friend Erin called Monday night for their new weekly bbq party thing. You know, I was adjusting to the Erin situation. I was starting to feel better about it until I had to drive him to her house that night and he shot out of the car, grabbed his stuff and practically ran away. I stopped him for an awkward moment to inquire as to why he was denying the typical goodbye kiss. So he bends over and makes the face...I couldn't do it. It pissed me off. I shouldn't have to ask. But it seemed like he was making such a stink out of kissing me in fear of someone inside (namely this new female friend) watching. Just like the issue with him refusing to chill out with her. She called him more than twice a day and it was getting really old really fast. He didn't want to hurt her feelings...but he didn't seem to give two shits about MY feelings. So when I got out of work Tuesday, it took forever to rip him away from her house but...the fight broke out and...we broke up. You know, I have very valid issues. I'm not making things up. He's not at all like he used to be. He has no reguard for anyone else and he said it himself. He just isn't what I want or need right now. I don't ever want or need this person that he's become. I can't deal with a boyfriend who can't hold his own. I can't stand feeling like I'm giving and giving and getting nothing in return. I don't know if he'll ever change. I refuse to try and do it for him because I know from experience that it just doesn't work like that. He asked me to give him a week to think about it and gave back the cell phone. But a week isn't going to prove shit. He's still out, crashing on these peoples couches, eating their food, bumming rides, living out of a bookbag, partying etc. I don't know. Lord knows I wish he'd come to his senses and stop acting like a fool. Of course HE doesn't think he's being dumb. I just don't see any reason for it. I've never felt the need to do anything like that and for awhile I figured it was just something he needed to go through. But I'm at wits end with it now. He has a great family. They're more than willing to help him out but he never goes home. They only want him to succeed. At the time, I thought it was one of the most retarded things I'd ever heard but now I'm beginning to understand my senior class motto. "Success is a journey. Not a destination." You can't just sit around and expect things to work out in your favor. I'm slowly finding clarity. I kept saying the worst part about it is this or that. When it all comes down to it, the worst part is the disappointment. I had my hopes WAY up with this relationship. He spoiled me and gave me the princess treatment and then ripped it right out from underneath me. Okay, I'm 22 years old which is definately too young to be ready to settle down. I know, I'm probably ahead of my time but I thought he was the one I could finally reach that point with. BIG disappointment. It stings. I'm definately not happy with it. I was willing to do anything just to make it back to the place we'd been together. And don't get me wrong here, I love him. I really do. But I just don't know anymore. No matter how much you love someone, sometimes it's still not right. So after this week is over...whatever conclusion he's come to...I don't know. All of his doubt and confusion has got me thinking.

~Without you, I'm without...~

So I barely crawled out of bed Wednesday morning. Went to work and did whatever. Solidified the theory that all of my friends are backstabbers. I'm probably no better than the rest of them. But when you hear the things they say about you, it's too tempting to fire right back. So I've been on the warpath these past few weeks. Trying to rekindle old friendships and make new ones. Norbi's been calling since I hung out with Dan (the last time Ry and I broke up) He called last night and tried to get me to go out with them to some party. It would have been a good time I'm sure but I was so tired. I went to bed early and slept right through a really bad storm. Got up this morning a little late. Called Nat on the way in to make sure it was my turn to run to the bank. Pulled through the drivethru to pick up some cigarettes...I should have figured something was up. I never stop for anything in the morning. It's usually straight to work. No time for stops. So I made it through and pulled back out onto Elida Rd. into the left lane headed for the turn onto Cable toward the bank. There's a sidestreet in between the dohnut shop and the car parts place. A car in the lane on my right side turning onto this side street and a minivan sitting at the stop sign there. She pulled out to make a left turn right in front of my car, I slammed on my brakes to avoid her and slid on the wet pavement. Almost hit the car on my right but I couldn't stop and her tail end didn't make it all the way passed before I rammed her. That's what I was doing at 9am this morning. Standing in traffic and rain explaining that story to a highway patrol officer. So my car...my poor little hellbeast could possibly be null and void by tomorrow. Had to have it towed to the house because the bumber/fender is pushed back into the wheel well. It's obviously her fault. An accident yes but she pulled out in front of me. My insurance company is working out the details and should be out tomorrow to take a look at the damage etc. I'll get another rental while they send it away to be fixed or they'll total it out and I'll be screwed because I still owe a large sum of $$ on it. From what I've been told, it's VERY possible they'll total it. So hopefully between the damage and the actual value of the car, I'll be able to pay off my loan and find a new baby. It's sad. For as much as I'd like a new car, the hellbeast and I have history. My car is my best friend. She's been through it all. Through Journey's and Kyle and Tim and Connecticut. Through Gem and CIC, several accidents. Bumps and bruises and life's mistakes. She's seen it all. I went around looking at other cars after work this evening. Nothing really gives me the feeling I got when I saw the hellbeast. I fought to get that car. The only cars I like are brand new and super expensive. It's gonna take a lot to replace her. I'm just not impressed. I found 2 out of the 8 car lots we visited. There's a brand new 2005 Toyota Matrix hatchback on the Nott lot. Ya. $17,000 cough gag choke and die. Then there was a 1999 Dodge Durango for $10,000. From one extreme to the next. Cute little hatchback to huge gas guzzling SUV. It's closer to my price range. But ultimately I'd spend an assload on gas and I don't think it would be worth it. These are the things I'm struggling with.

~Are you ashamed to say what you want to? Tell me you want to.~

Ya so...this update has gone straight to hell. It wasn't thought out very well at all. Usually I'll prepare myself instead of spatting off randomly the things that are bouncing around in my head. Let's see, I checked Ry's voicemail today. Okay, so maybe it wasn't necessarily the best idea. But I caught a message from a potential employer. Think I was more excited then he would have been. So I called McV refusing to try and reach him through Erin. Of course Jeff was at work. So I felt like an asshole but he hadn't heard about the breakup yet. He gave me the typical sympathetic bull, "you guys are up and down a lot lately. I'm sure things will work out" blah blah blah. Sure Jeff. Could you just give him the message please?! And on a final note, I mentioned the accident. Not 3 minutes later, Ryan called (from Erin's phone...surprise surprise...okay. So I have this issue with jealousy. I'm a fucking girl ok!) He asked if I was alright. I'm sorry. Maybe it makes me a bitch but I blew it off like it was no big deal. I just wanted to let him know that BL wan't to talk to him about the job. Here I am, broken hearted. The last thing I need is sympathy or pity or concern. I tried to joke a bit like I had the night we broke things off. I was taking things to extreme (drama queen) and told him that all this time he seems to think he needs could leave me anywhere. "Who knows where I'll be in a week, a month, a year. I could be married. I could be popping out kids. I could be dead by the time you make up your mind". I think it's funny. Maybe a little twisted...or ironic. But when I had him there on the phone this afternoon, I couldn't help myself. I said, "you see! I told you I could be dead!!!". Don't think he found it quite as entertaining as I did. He told me he'd call me in 5 days. So he wasn't kidding when he said a week.

~can't you can't you feel it rollin' off your lips. Tensing up your shoulders. Just say it. Say it's love. Make it hurt. I deserve it. If it's love...~

I keep getting sidetracked. As I mentioned above. Making new friends and catching up with old ones. I've made plans to take a drive north on Saturday for the Bratwurst Festival. Hanging out with The Chad, drinkin' some beers and avoiding bad German food and the ever so inquisitive Dane. Been talking to The Chad a lot lately. I justify this through Erin. If Ryan is okay with having "chick friends" and thinks I should agree with his reasoning then I decided revert back to my old behavior. Back to being the only girl in a group full of guys. I always liked it that way. Low stress. Less drama. Just me and a bunch of guys acting stupid and getting drunk. The Chad was supposed to come down here on Monday night while Ryan was out bbqing. We were planning on a night of pool and beer. But after my fallout with Ry, I wasn't up for much besides shop therapy. Ryan told me he thought I was testing him. Trying to see if he would trust me with another guy. But it makes no difference anyhow. Chad had a fight with a bucket of orange dye and dropped/destroyed the phone. The Chad and I are cool. So it didn't matter. The Chad has definately served as a stress relief. Someone to talk to...I just got off the phone with him while he was taking care of good ol' Dane's drunken ass. Following 20 paces behind him down an alley while he stole lawn chairs and no parking signs. Anything to keep my mind off of all these problems. Between my car, my job, my friends and Ryan...ya. I need psychiatric help. PUT ME ON SOME MEDICATION PLEASE!!! It's getting late so I think I'm done now. RIP Hellbeast. You're a pal and a confidant.

~Go on just say it. You need me like a bad habit. One that leaves you defenseless, dependant and alone...why can't you just be happy? Why can't you just be happy? I'll just say it. Live up to your first impression. My best side was your worst invention. Can't you live without all the attention? Why can't you live without the attention???~

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