Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?
08-13-03
~Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?~
Tonight I'm listening to:
-Vendetta Red
-Liz Phair
-Brand New
-Mraz
Today was a rude awakening. After my 3 hour shift at my new job, I realized just how much retail sucks. I understood why I've been avoiding the mall since I've been home. I was a mall rat over a year ago. All of my friends worked there...since I've been gone, it's turned into a completely different place. I feel like I'm surrounded by a bunch of 16 year old Avril wannabees and I don't like it. I no longer fit in. At work, I'm surrounded by a bunch of girls who are trying their hardest not to be Avrilites. Instead, they shun all those types. Any and everyone who doesn't fit into their tiny little skirts and pastel tops which leave very little to the imagination. I have nothing against the type of girls that I work with but...I can only handle them in small doses. Okay, so it sounds bad. None of them are really THAT bad. Maybe it's because they're all gorgeous and I'm just jealous. Maybe it's because...I feel like I spent 6 years working my way up the retail ladder and here I am, low man on the totem pole once again. I need to keep telling myself, I will only be a lowly associate for 2 months. It's okay. I'll survive. And hopefully everyone else around me does too. It didn't help that Shannon went to lunch with Kim. Kim...our old boss who laughed at both of us when we decided to leave her and run our own stores. That's just beautiful. Cause here's Shannon, running her own store. And here I am...ran my own store...ran away to CT, and now I'm back, barely living by the skin of my own teeth. That's just embarassing. Unfortunately, I know how mall gossip is. I have this terrible feeling that everyone will soon be laughing at me behind my back. That's why I hate the mall. That's why I stayed away from it. That was my biggest fear in coming home. I failed...everyone else knew I would but me. And now I get to face the I told you so's. *smack* I am an adult. Even though everyone who works at the mall either is or acts like a high school brat doesn't mean that I need to fall back into that behavior. Like yesterday when Nicole and I went shopping. We walked past Pac Sun and noticed Kyle was working. I think I thought out loud and said, "yes! my day is complete." and then Nicole said she needed to get his address so she could send his family a thank you card. She says, "oh, you can stay out here. It'll only be a minute." Why? Why act like a child? I can face him. I mean, I tried to be a big person and apologize when I came home. He wouldn't have it. So I'm not blaming myself anymore. I can be civil and stand in the same space with him without acting like an idiot. So I went back with her and stood there like a moron while she got the address. At least I was nice enough to say goodbye as we left. There's no reason for hostility people. I may have made mistakes but that doesn't mean I have some contagious disease.
~We saw the western coast. I saw the hospital nurse the shoreline like a wound.~
So after WORK (oh my holy...I said work...I have a job! See, it's ok if I hate my job. Most people do. At least I have a job now.) I went over to Laurie's and helped her lay some carpet. Sort of...I was so damn tired. After a 3 hour shift??? I laid ON the carpet. It was a pitiful sight. Anyhow, her birthday is Monday...and I'm broke. I would love to do something awesome for her but...no dinero. Instead, I bring up the idea of throwing another party. HELLO! Laurie's not so big on partying anymore. So I think I'd feel even worse if something happened in her house to piss her off on her birthday...or even worse, she would get tired and just pass out halfway through. But, Brian (an old friend from high school) is coming to visit early next week. That might keep her in good spirits. Maybe if we just have a small...get together. A few people. I can't help but to say I have some backward intentions with this one. She knows all about it. So that's all that matters. I shouldn't be devious like this...but sometimes, I just can't help myself.
~Get a load of me, get a load of you...~
So, I had a long talk with my mom yesterday about Tim. I guess she's been a little concerned since I've been talking to him lately. Luckily, before my talk with my mother, I had a talk with Tim about the whole thing. Obviously I'm not going to jump at the chance to move out there again. Basically it comes down to this, he's going through a lot of shit right now. I won't detail his every problem. We'll just say it's a massive load of shit including a lack of people to rely on. I am also going through a load of shit. Which mainly revolves around the ability to pay my bills. I'm so far behind right now...it's laughable. Then there's also the fact that since we're both in horrifyingly similar situations. i.e. All of our friends have significant others, neither of us have found anyone else worth huffing or puffing over, we're both stuck living with our parents. Ya, so it's good to have someone you can see eye to eye with. Yes, we have talked about 'us'. All I have to say is that nothing is impossible for me anymore. If we could both get our shit together, then who knows. But more than worrying about how fast I can get out of debt and move back to CT, I think I need to focus on myself for once. It's just so great to know that he's there if I need him and vice versa. I'm not going to put my life on hold. I'm not going to get myself all worked up about the idea of creating something that may or may not work. I'm not going to stop all possibility of finding love somewhere else. Last I heard, Mr. Mraz is still available (hahahaha I say that in the most sarcastic tone). I just think right now, we both need a friend who's unconditionally reliable. It definately sucks that that friend is 12 hours away but, who knows. If things are meant to be a certain way, then they will certainly be that way. I will say that I am looking forward to his visit in January. But that's 5 months from now. In the meantime, I've got shit to do.
~We haven't fucked yet but my head's spinning.~
I would just like to mention that I'm out of cigarettes again. I'm smoking these nasty ass marlboro light 100's. I definately prefer menthol. Oh my, I need to sleep. It's so strange...it's only 11:30pm. I shouldn't be tired. But, I'm going to make myself something to eat. Probably a turkey sammich if you must know. Then crash on the couch while watching a movie. I'm thinking...maybe...I don't know. A movie. Maybe some tv. We'll see. Goodnight.
~My intentions are practical inventions. Oh forgot to mention I'm insane by definition...~
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