08-11-00
LIBERATION
~Selfish kinda life~
I’ve come to terms with myself. I think finally I understand why nothing seemed to make
sense to me. (concerning the whole Andrew situation anyways) See, we always want what we
know we can’t have. I’ve heard that so many times in my life. We desire the intangible. And in
this situation, I think deep down I knew that faced with me, Andrew would back down. His
feelings “changed”...Because I was no longer intangible. While my feelings blazed because he still
was. He’s someone that I know I can’t have. We barely skim the surface of friendship. There’s no
foothold...there’s no relationship. No common ground. Nothing to start from. And I know there’s
still a part of me inside that wishes he would change his mind...or feel...something for me. But I
also know that it most probably won’t happen. He realized his mistake with Colleen. But he still
doesn’t realize that what he wants...he can’t have. I shouldn’t know the things I know. And I
promised I wouldn’t say anything about the things I shouldn’t know...because no one should
know...it shouldn’t have happened...but it did. And I pity the people involved. Especially my
friend...I really wish there was something I could do. I wish I could explain these things to
Andrew without feeling like I’m preaching to him...or without him assuming that there are alterior
motives. But I can’t, and I can’t save everyone. I can’t fix other peoples problems. But this
time...I wish I could. Hearts can be broken. Just like mine was...and I hate to see anyone else in
that position. Ultimately, I realize that I was selfish about the whole thing. I wasn’t getting what I wanted. I threw a fit. It was silly and childish. I wish I could take it all
back. I wish too much.
~Trapped in a box, 4 walls is the sky, got a screen for a window ‘bout 2 feet wide~
I found out earlier today that Jon got in a car accident. Excuse me, truck accident...he
either fell asleep or passed out at the wheel on his way to work this morning. He swerved into the
other lane...and hit a semi. He doesn’t remember it. He has a concussion...a broken ankle...a gash
in his head. It’s a miracle that he’s alive and doesn’t have any long term damage. Jon’s a good
guy. It wasn’t his time. Thankfully. I was supposed to go in and see him today...but things got
messed up. And I’m going tomorrow. He’s definitely in my prayers.
~Why didn’t you call me~
I was also supposed to get a phone call from Kristy today. We went out and chilled
yesterday. Got some food...went to some shops. I mentioned her hooking me up with any random
hot guy that she knows. And she said she’d call me today with news about a certain one from
LCC. Nick...he’s your typical spiked blonde earring sporting American Eagle type guy. That’s
what I need. Society’s perception of normal. Or maybe I should just lay off of guys altogether.
That seems to be a good idea. I don’t think that “Normal” likes me very much anyhow. So, on to
bigger and better things. Liberation! I’ve decided not to update until I have something else, other
than Andrew to talk about. I’ll keep everyone posted.
~I’ve had it up to here~
08-12-00
I went to see Jon. He's doing well. I don't know what else to say about it. It was a little strange at first. Because his parents don't know me all that well. His dad asked me about my future. (what's up with parents and asking about your "future"???) AJ, Kyle, Johnny, and JOnas were there when we got there. They were keeping spirits high. I was going to stay at Nicole's and go visit him again tomorrow. But my dad threw a fit about his "company picnic". So I have to go sit around by myself at some park. *sigh*
~From the outside looking in, you say there's nothing sacred here~
I talked to Andrew. I argued with Andrew for an hour earlier. It was...pointless. He still thinks he's right. I still think he's wrong. No one is convincing us otherwise. He's stubborn. So am I. That's where it ends. There is NO MORE Andrew. I'm through. LIBERATION!
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