Once I think I'm through, I come running back to you...


08-08-03 1:23am

~It was a lovers trist. Neither clear nor discript...~

I would just like to take this moment to say, I hate movies!!! Ya, that's right. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like I just can't get enough of the torture that is romantic comedy. I know it's going to happen everytime I get the great idea stuck in my head. YES! Let's have a Laura night. Let's take a long hot shower and pamper myself. I'll do my nails and watch chick flicks! What a fucking FANTASTIC idea! Tonights poison of choice, Deliver us from Eva and How to lose a guy in 10 days. Excellent plan...for sure. So I took my shower and french braided my hair, got comfy on the couch and kicked myself in the ass not only once but TWICE!!! So here it is, four hours of feature film heaven, where the leading male roles are so wonderfully romantic...let me rephrase that. The leading male roles are disgustingly and unrealistically romantic. I believe a very wise man once said to me, "romance is overrated". Ben, you're so right. (But I'm sorry, you at least have to pretend to be romantic with me babe!) Okay, so I won't lie here. I really enjoyed both movies. I laughed my ass off through most of them. In fact, I was so thirsty half way through 10 days, I didn't want to leave. But I paused it, ran frantically into the kitchen, arms flailing, and I impaled myself with the corner of the wall. During Deliver us from Eva, I paused it and ran laughing into the kitchen. My dad asked what was so funny as I bent into the fridge to find a can of soda. I jerked back too quick and bashed my head on the shelf. All I could say was, "this movie is so funny, I've become delirious!" Then ran back into the living room. I must say, it's a love/hate relationship. I love these movies so much. But everytime it's over, and I'm sniffling and sobbing, I just want to run head first into a train that's barreling 100 miles an hour down the tracks. I didn't go quite that far this time. But I do believe I gave not only the dvd but also the big screen a huge middle finger. You would think I'd learned my lesson when I started my book. Honestly, I wrote about this quite awhile ago. I wasn't going to share but I'll cut and paste a bit just to justify that last statement and of course, for your reading pleasure.

I'm a sucker for fairytales. Romantic stories of the impossible written down just to haunt my dreams. Call it cynicism, but I believe they were created with the intent to drive me insane. Because of these so called tales, it's been my intangible plight since childhood to search after some make-believe prince. Well princes do not exist in my country, and it would have been nice to know that much sooner. Quite frankly, I'm tired of this endless wild goose chase. The Williams' and Harrys' of our time could never compare to the royalty I've been seeking. Although it IS another wonderful example of the impossibilities that I'm speaking of, whether or not I'm eligible to court England's finest is neither here nor there.

Since real love has nothing to do with fairytales, let's call it what it is. Personally, I've always had a sweet spot for the mysteries of romance. Most recently I've been attempting to conjur the intelligence of a great man of mystery in hopes that he could solve the obscurities of my love life since I obviously cannot. I would imagine Sherlock Holmes was quite the catch in his day. Honestly, what woman in her right mind could turn away a tall, dark, and handsome man who runs around in the dark wearing such a fashionable hat? Pardon my sarcasm for the game is afoot.

Ya, I haven't been working on the book lately. Mainly because I got about 3 pages written before I got bored with what I was writing about. I guess I shouldn't try to tackle anything longer than short, free form poetry. Maybe it's that A.D.D that Mraz was talking about. I don't know. Seriously though, I'm really frustrated with making the concious decision that there's no such thing as a knight in shining armor. It's hard to believe that no one will ever sweep me off of my feet. Books, movies, television...they're all decieving. I've had enough real life experience to know that at least. It doesn't help that I can peer into other peoples relationships and prove myself right. No one I have EVER met has had that beautiful bliss that they describe in common everyday media. My parents marriage sucks, I know I've never succeeded, and all of my friends struggle daily. I know that perfect relationships are fictitious. But wouldn't it be nice? Obviously, I thought I had the perfect fairytale relationship. Once... But look how that ended up! Well! Let's see, I moved 12 hours away from all comfort and stability, became dependant on him for just that, smothered him, pissed him off countless times, got myself pissed off, fought endlessly about stupid shit, ripped each other apart verbally, begged for forgiveness, then gave up. It took a hell of a lot of work just to retrieve our friendship and I don't know what the hell I think I'm doing there either. In all honesty, I'm probably fucking it up all over again. I mean, c'mon! Am I seriously trying to convince myself that somehow, someday, luck will be on my side for once and by some act of the heavens, he's going to magically reappear in my life, we'll fall in love all over again, and everything will be okay? Is that what I've been telling myself? He'll become something that he's not, never was, and definately never will be, don that suit of armor, and whisk me away? Damn! I must be smokin' some good shit! Cause that is SO far from reality. I better chiggity check myself before I wriggity wreck myself. What a shame. Sometimes I shock myself with my own ignorance.

~It's times like these when silence means everything...It's a shame. I don't think that you'll notice. It's a shame. I doubt you noticed. No has to know about this. Don't let me down.~

So after spilling my guts again. For the hmm, I don't know...millionth time this week. Let alone the past 3 years that this site has been up...I've come to a conclusion. hahaha. Ya, my wonderful conclusion. My new motto, yanked straight out of Deliver us from Eva. "The best way to get over an old man is to get under a new one". See unfortunately, it's already flawed. I'm definately not bold OR slutty enough to follow those guidelines. But I suppose there's no harm or foul in flirting. I guess it's a good thing that I'll be attending this party on Saturday. Let's see if I can pull an ace out of my sleeve this time. I probably won't update until after the event so here's my plan. A: Avoid Clint at all costs. B: Get shitfaced. and C: Avoid Clint at ALL costs. And if all else fails, chill with my homegirls as always. Sounds like a winner. Ha, after all of my deep, philosophical, rambling, I forgot to mention my day of bonding with Steve. I spent 3 hours hanging wallpaper with him today. Interesting...after knowing him for oh, 6 or 7 years. I used to really dislike that boy. You know, after going to high school with him. After dealing with him and all of his buddies. They were the bane of my existence then. But now, I don't know. He's a lot better. Plus, it's kind of fun to nag him about proposing to Laurie. I'm not the only one either. His new friends at work give him shit for it too. I guess I figure that if they've dealt with each others bullshit for this long, why not make it eternity! haha, I'm so fucking jaded.

~It's [guys] like you that make me think I'm better off home on a Saturday night with all my doors locked up tight. I won't be thinkin' about you baby.~

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