08-04-03 1:15am

~I don't think that you know what you've been missin'.~

So this post has been put off for awhile. I was trying to decide what I wanted to say last night but it turned into a messy blur. I was a little out of it. That's right kiddies, I was tore up! A little frustrated because no one wanted to go out and do anything. Mainly Laurie...but we talked about that a little while ago. I guess sometimes I just don't realize how much this thyroid thing has fucked up her system. So...whatever my attitude last night was...it was unnecessary. Quick note: Golden delicious apples are the shit at a quarter after one in the morning. Ok, on to bigger and better things!

~Maybe I should hate you for this...~

So yesterday night, I was over at Laurie's (it's the place to be) and we played a game of scrabble. I lost. Earlier in the night, I had called TJ thinking we could go over there and play some cards. He called me back or something...and asked if we were coming over. But Laurie didn't want to go anywhere. She told TJ that she was f'd up and when she gave me the phone back, he asked if I was too. Obviously, I was...so I said yes. And he threw another one of his mood swings at me. He said something like, "well I don't want you guys over here if you're f'd up." I never know if he's joking or not. But he was being a dick so I told him we weren't coming over and I got off the phone. Whatever. I figured it was just another one of his cocky half serious remarks. So I blew it off. Tonight, Laurie stopped by and we had some good conversation. We actually discussed TJ's mood swing from the prior evening and how I will never understand what that boy is up to. Right as she was talking about heading home, my cell rang. I said, "I bet you five bucks that's TJ." Sure enough, it was. "why don't you guys come over and play some cards." I figured...why the hell not. Took a little persuading to convince Laurie to come with me. But we went over there.

~another lesson I just needed to learn...~

I always regret it afterward. I guess I'm just a sucker who always looks on the bright side. I always think, maybe it'll be better this time. But it's not. Which is why I think this evening was the deciding factor. Ya, we played a couple rounds of my favorite card game in the whole world. I still suck. But I think I've improved a little. I did something stupid I think. I played the wrong card or something and made myself mad. So TJ picks that opportunity to say, "you're just mad because you still like me." ???!!!what???!!! And here I am, the queen of smartass come backs. I just rolled my eyes. I swear, his goal in life is to see how many times he can stomp on my last nerve. Oh, yes TJ! You are soooo hot! I just can't keep myself from riding your jock! And when I'm finished with this post, I think I'll imagine your nasty hairy hobbit feet and touch myself! ugh, I don't know what his deal is. He's really a pretty cool guy. I at least had the chance to see that side of him when we were "dating". I don't know why he has to be so obnoxious all of the time. I'd be much more inclined to hang out with him if he wasn't constantly putting people down. He must get his jollies out of pointing out everyone else's negative attributes. Enough of that topic. I honestly don't mean to sound like I'm bashing him. Like I said before, he's really a decent person. I just think he'd be a lot more worth while if it weren't for his negative attributes. But who am I to point out other peoples flaws? I can't even play euchre right.

~Hold your breath because you'll only make things worse.~

Speaking of my flaws, I'm going to admit to one right now. I shouldn't...but I will because it's been weighing pretty heavy this past week. Laurie made a great comment earlier when I admitted it to her. She said, "Just because you had one good conversation doesn't mean you need to get back with him." But ever since my conversation with Tim last Monday, I haven't been able to stop thinking about...everything. When he mentioned coming out to visit...I just ran away with it. I thought about how I could possibly save up enough to have my own place by then. I thought about what I could say to him the next time I decide to call. I thought about when I should call. I've thought nonstop about all the details of our relationship. Tonight, while conversating with my mother and Laurie was the worst. We talked about my cousins wedding. And how sweet he was then. When we came to visit last January and went to dinner with my aunt and cousins. I had practically forgotten all about how he backed me up when my cousin decided to act like a childish fool. This week has been hell for me. Because everytime I turned around, I wished that Tim was there. I want to tell him that. But I don't. Whenever I talk to him, I just feel the need to turn into this desperate little girl but I hold back. I'm in constant inner turmoil. The fight between my head and my heart is like world war 3. (this is so dramatic, I'm making myself sick...but I'll go on) My head says, "HEY MORON! It didn't work the first OR the second time! Grow up and move on you stupid pansy." But my heart comes right back and says, "Ya, so it didn't work out the first 2 times. Dust off the little bit of pride that you have left and tell him the truth. 3rd time's the charm bitch!" I try to be positive about the whole thing. When I do that, not only do I think the situation wasn't nearly as bad as I tried to make it out to be but I also think that maybe we still have a chance. I don't want to be negative...that just turns into me acting like a bitter evil bitch. I don't know, I guess sometimes I just think that after all the shit we went through, we kind of deserve each other. I suppose that's a little twisted. I'm just so tired of regretting everything I've done during the day and then waking up in the middle of dreaming about regretting it. I don't know...but I decided to call him tomorrow. Maybe I'll figure it out by then.

~So sick, so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick...so obviously desperate. So desperate the obvious.~

I watched Gangs of New York today. It was a pretty decent flick. Much better than the mush I've been watching. I hate television. Okay, I give up. I can't continue this post after spilling my guts like that. Plus it's now 3am. I should go to bed. So folks, what have we learned today? I still suck at cards. I'm still going through stupid quarrels with TJ for no reason. And I'm still a fool when it comes to love. I guess we didn't learn much.

~Days are numbered 3-2-1. When you bit the bullet, I held the smoking gun.~

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