04-04-01 Wednesday

~If you could just pretend to be nice, everything in my life would be alright.~

Let me just say, updating...has become a chore. It's almost like punishment. I have so much to do, and no time to do things. And even when I'm doing something that needs to be done, I think of other things I would much rather be doing. And while I'm doing things that I'd much rather be doing, I feel guilty for not doing things that need to be done. Like right now, I'd much rather be spending time with my friends (and or boyfriend) that doesn't happen to be an option. Nicole, is at work. Kyle, is class ring shopping with his dad today. Do I really have any other friends??? People that I call when I need to talk to someone. I do. But I don't really talk to them anymore. Like James...I wish I talked to him more often. I may see him at youth group tonight. MAY being the key word in that sentence. After reading Kirsten's past few journal entries...(e-mail thingys) I wish I could go hang out with her for awhile. I would be happy to just sit and listen to her problems rather than typing about crap that I think or that goes on in my life. What I really SHOULD be doing right now, and with any free time I can possibly conjure is studying. I can't believe my level of stupidity. Taking 21 credit hours?!?! Am I nuts? It's like cruel and unusual punishment. It's torture. I have NO free time. NONE! So I choose to make free time and slack. Not that I didn't do that before. But I wasn't taking the amount of courses I am now, and I wasn't taking the degree of difficulty of the courses I am now. I really wasn't ready for this. But I'm dealing with it. And it's not so bad yet. Although I really wish I hadn't missed 3 classes on Monday. That's another story.

~Shape-shifter guest-lister! if you think that's cool, whatever dude.~

My Great Grandma passed away Thursday afternoon. So I had the viewing on Sunday, and the funeral on Monday. I can't say I was close to her. She's been in a nursing home for 3 years...so it's almost been like she was already gone. I visited. Don't get me wrong. But when you get that old, all you have left to talk about is the consistency of the peas you ate that day, and the last time you had a bowel movement. (excuse the sarcasm...it's how I'm dealing with the situation) She just hasn't BEEN my grandma for quite sometime. So losing her wasn't really the problem. I'm old enough to understand death, and I know my grandma was a God fearing woman. It was just...seeing her there. All little. And looking into the face of a woman I respect SO much. But it looks fake. Like plastic...like a bad wax replica. She was old. It was her time. She's struggled through everything. Every disease you could think of. Until finally, the doctor was keeping her alive with medication. Her living will says "no heroic measures". So they took her off the meds...and like a week later she was gone. My mom had warned me. So I knew it was only a matter of time. I didn't think it would be so soon. But hey. At least she's in a better place right. At least she's not stuck in that nursing home suffering any longer. I don't want to think about it anymore.

~You think I'd leave your side baby. You know me better than that.~

So I've talked about school, and death. What's next??? Let's see...notice I'm not mentioning Kyle and I. That's not really an issue. I usually talk about negative things here. There is nothing negative about Kyle and I. We're really happy. Well, I'll speak for myself. I'm happy. He seems happy. He tells me he's happy. He says...the sweetest things. I feel so lucky...funny thing that happened today. I was sitting in psychology this morning. And I smelled Kyle. The guy who sat behind me was wearing Tommy Freedom. I hate it when that happens. I can still smell Curve from a mile away. (that's what James wears, and Goo, Andrew, Kyle R. etc) Anyhow, I gotta get off of here. I need to change and get ready for youth group...even though I don't think I'll be going tonight. We're meeting at Express (the other chinese place I go to) before youth group. And we'll decide then. It's complicated.

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