Notes from the Fishbowl
4/30/2005 No no no no don't phunk with my heart.
	Positive outlook on the day. A new month as of tomorrow. A new dream. This is how I see it. One more month to decide my future. One last month in this state of uneasiness. I'm ready for some answers. It's a touchy subject as of this moment but if dad doesn't get a job by the end of May he's headed to TN the second week of June to find one there...and a house. Since Matt graduates next month, they won't have to rip him out of school. That was the idea all along. And if they're going...I am too. It's been the most difficult decision I've had to make in a long time but family is the most important thing and the only things really holding me back right now are my friends. Nicole...I don't know what she's going to do if I move out. Laurie's wedding is in November. I'm not sure if I'd be able to come back for it. Since I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid...that could be an issue. The struggle is the fact that these people are my sanity. I don't know if I'm ready to do this again. Pick up my entire life and move hours away from familiarity and comfort. I'm too old for that crap. But I will. If it comes down to it, I'm gone.
Lord please please please, take away my anxiety.
	As for everything else...I don't think Ryan and I are speaking anymore AGAIN. It's sad really but it may be for the best. We got into another one of our infamous phone fights. He's pissed because people are talking. He seems to think that everyone should keep their noses out of his business (understandable) but he also believes that we should all ignore the fact that he's going around telling everyone lies. No one should be allowed to tell the truth about him. It would ruin his wonderful little situation. He has free rent and a truck to drive around as he pleases. A bed to sleep in and a warm body to sleep with. He thinks he has it so good. Except for the fact that it's all resting on a tower of shaky lies. And the deeper he's digging himself, the closer he's coming to losing it all. I wouldn't have had a problem with any of it if my friends and I weren't bum rushed a couple of weekends ago by Erin and her friends. It was uncalled for and pathetic. (Why in the world would you come after me?! Am I such a threat? Because he's moving to MAINE!!!) If she should be attacking anyone...Cassi would be the proper victim. She's the one he's running off to be with. I know Erin was drunk and pissed off that night about the fact that I told Ryan that I was going to beat her ass...SEVERAL months ago when she got her ass stuck in the middle of a shitty situation while Ry and I were still together. Although he would probably claim that we weren't together. Because he uses that excuse for everything. She should have walked away then. Now, I would be completely through with the whole thing if he hadn't called me, come over, initiated the inevitable and proven me right and then not a week later, called me and gave me attitude because she was sitting right next to him listening in to the entire conversation. He insulted me every chance possible. Mentioning the fact that I have an oooooh online journal that "all of 3 people read". Well fuck you honey because you're one of the 3! There's no need for any of this bullshit. He's leaving in a fucking month. And I'll most likely be leaving as well. Do you think we'll ever see each other again??? Probably not. This is one concept I continue to struggle with grasping. It's life. People move away. People move on. They can be a huge part of your world and then disappear. It happens. I try so hard to hold on to these people but I need to learn how to let go. Like I said, it's probably for the best. We only piss each other off anyway. Right? I don't know.
If it makes you less sad I'll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.
	I finally came to an understanding with the harem of men. (Laugh...cough...gag...) Will and I sat down a few days ago and talked. I let him regretfully explain to me that he's found some chick named Courtney who's "fucking cool". Which is absolutely wonderful. I thought, "That's great! I'm finally free from the crazy laugh and the obnoxious lingering!" Until last night when I went to my mom's because Nicole is sick and decided to sleep the whole night away. I get a call, "Laura...I think Will is on the porch. I heard him knock 3 times. The dogs freaked out and I heard him laugh. I'm pretty sure it's him because I recognize that laugh anywhere. But I'm not getting out of bed." Then she called back 20 minutes later, "Laura...I think Will's still here. I can hear him talking. He's really loud but I'm not getting up. Just thought I'd warn you. Are you coming home soon?" This was somewhere around 10:30pm. I waited a little before leaving. Partially because I was hoping he'd go home and partially because I couldn't pull myself away from cable television. He was gone by the time I got there. But if he was talking to someone, he should have had a phone with him right? No one's out that late in my neighborhood for him to be talking to. Unless he was talking to himself...always a possibility. But why didn't he call me? Why did he just hang out on the porch for a half and hour? What the hell did he want? Why didn't he leave when no one answered the damn door? I don't know. Crackmonkey. At least I thought I finally came to an understanding with Will. As for Shane...Nicole and I were talking about him earlier today. He's a REALLY big part of our lives now. We've only known him for a month and a half. He's dating another girl and we're still good. I dig it. In fact, Shane is one of my best friends and I don't know what I'd do without him right now. I know that if I needed him, no matter what, he'd be there and vice versa. He's gone through a lot of shit with me in a short period of time and he's still there. He's still Shane. I love him to death. Gaw! I'm Luckyyyyyyy.
Brooklyn is burning down the disco tech.
	Sad but true. After sharing a late night trip to Meijer and a movie with Scott earlier this week. After sitting next to him (too close) on the lowest low rise couch for 2 hours straight...cats on laps. It was so late and so depressing. I could hardly keep my eyes open and trust me, I wanted to. Almost asleep...it's definitely mutually physical and such a fucking tease. He's one of those guys who...all the girlies think is super hot (damn I'm categorized with girlies! What's wrong with me. Maybe I caught whatever Nicole has) and he never has to do any work. They flock to him. If he had never said a word to Nicole. If he hadn't expressed interest, I'm the type of chick who would ignore a guy like that just to knock his ego down. But he started it. He initiated the whole thought process and then left the rest to me. So I grabbed my balls and called him. (He didn't have my number so I can't hold that against him) He's called me...that I'll give him. I wasn't the only one dialing. But he would talk about being bored and never say, "Hey, you wanna stop by?" Like he was expecting me to make the moves from here on out. We had random conversations for 2 weeks until the other night when I got tired of sitting there talking about nothing...talking about where we work and our families, pets and what we have planned for the weekend. (I'm really tired of meeting new people because I'm sick of repeating myself) I told him I was going to run for cigarettes and I'd swing over to his place since he was bored and I didn't have anything else to do. Anyhow, we had an interesting time playing with his cats and sitting so close through the movie it drove me insane. I don't know...I can't quite decide if nothing happened because he was waiting for me to get things going or if he changed his mind about me. Either way...whatever. I don't even care anymore. He's not the only tall dark and handsome male to ever exist. I'd just like to know what's going on. So that's the plan for tonight. I can't make it through the week without going out and getting wasted on Saturday. We're headed to that one bar in Delphos for a bit of Will's band whatever the hell the name of it is. (The bar AND the band for that matter) and then we'll come back to town to close down P.A. as usual. I'll figure things out before the night is over. As of now, I better get on glamming up for the evening. I still have to make a trip to Groamy's with Shane (if it's open) so I better finish my stupid little online journal that only 3 people ever read anyway. (I'm a little bitter about that one) Just a tip (said this a million times) if you don't have respect for my expression...if you don't want to hear what I have to say, DON'T READ IT!!! And if you think it's so damn lame...HELLO!!! Check out the links kids. I do believe Ry has a stupid little website as well. (Okay, I'm really bitter)