This is your freedom in a life of fallacy


04-30-03


~Silence only justifies this act of cowardice. With a short story, the one you add to daily, you are tragic loss. No story book ending for the fairy tale of you. Just the one composed with blood taken from your pen that you hold in your lifeless hand.~

That lyric was inspired by a night of self pity and regret. I'm sure there will be more terribly sad lyrics to follow it. It wasn't so bad while I was vegging in front of the tv. But I went to Laurie's and we watched Sweet Home Alabama. It's a wonder how a lame ass movie can draw the deepest emotions. Laurie passed out not 10 minutes into it. But instead of getting up and leaving like I usually do, I stuck around and cried a second time at Reese Witherspoon and her damned fairy tale story. I remembered the first time I saw it. If I recall correctly, it was after Kyle and I broke up the second time and I was officially planning the big move to the East coast. I think I went to see it with Kir...anyhow, the whole time I was watching that damn movie (the 1st time) I was questioning whether or not I should be leaving. I'm sure you've seen it. On one hand you have the 1st love and on the other hand you have a really great guy...who's wonderful, but just not...your 1st love. HELLO! At the time, I was going through a very similar situation. Of course, in the end she falls in love all over again with the man that she grew up with. I thought about that for the longest time. There were several times when I thought about calling the whole thing off, and running straight back to Kyle. (at the time, I would have at least had the chance) But instead, I obviously made the wrong decision. So in comes Self pity, roaring it's ugly head. And his best friend Mr. Regret. Watching that movie again tonight only made me feel worse. Mainly because I know that I can't go back and change things. But also because I don't even have a chance to salvage what was left of the mess that I made. I can't even apologize. So I'm listening to FATA...which is just screaming out more reasons for me to hate myself. And I'm wallowing. I don't know how long it's going to take for me to get over all of my mistakes and move on. Here's some comedy to the story though. I was watching Dr. Phil today...(that's the comedy. Who watches that show? Honestly???) It was some episode about people with drama issues. And Dr. Phil was confronting all of these ladies with their reasons for making a big deal out of life's obstacles. And he told one woman that what she needed to do was just focus on what's really important. Instead of dwelling on stupid things...and I know that's what I need to do. I need to get a job and have a reason to get up in the morning and do something other than sit here and think about all the shit that's happened to me in the past year. Instead of trying to figure out a way to "fix" things. I know. I honestly do. That's what my head is telling me, and I've talked about it countless times. I don't know why I've failed to actually DO it. Now there's all kinds of other shit that I've started. Including my less than wholesome attempt at justifying myself (to myself). Referring to the "handprints" incident. Which is destined to happen again just because it makes me feel good about me. And then there's also my trip to Michigan planned for this coming weekend. I know I can talk a lot of shit. And I know I've been shooting the shit with Jess for quite some time now. I don't know what to expect when I get there. I don't know what he expects with my visit. And I honestly don't know if I would or wouldn't do something "unwholesome". (I'm using that word to describe it, not because I think it's unwholesome, but because that's what my mother said. And because of society's double standard). Then there's also the shit that's going on generally. Everybody else's shit that I'm stuck in. All this shit just makes it harder to focus on the reality that I'm going broke...and I need a job to not only change my perspective, but also to get my ass out of debt. And still, I can't stop thinking about how much of a fool I've been or how I might change that. A vicious cycle of inner-turmoil and torment. It also doesn't help that everytime I turn around, something reminds me...For example, last night I decided to get rid of my nasty chipped nail polish and treat myself to a french manicure/pedicure. So I pull out my handy dandy mini igloo cooler full of nailpolish. And KABLAM!!! The lid is covered in nail polish grafiti including Kyle's name that he painted in bright fucking red a very long time ago. And another example, the other day I was going through my cd collection only to find that the majority of my cds were either bought, burned, or given to me by Kyle. I was getting ready for bed the other night and pulled out my halloween boxer shorts...and then realized that they weren't really mine. Because Kyle also gave those to me. I love those damn things. Then you have the spiderman boxers that Tim gave to me before I left CT...those are long gone. It seems like the things that really mattered were all from Kyle. The things that Tim gave me (few and far between) I never really...I didn't keep them because when I really think about it, he didn't love me. And those things are just symbols of how much of a jerk he was and how stupid I was to put up with it. (which makes me think that at the time, we deserved each other) But the day that those halloween boxers wear out, I think I might cry. I don't have any pictures of Tim. They were all digital...and I deleted them in a fit of rage one day. But I have countless pictures of Kyle and I. That I will never lose, and no matter what ultimately happens or who I end up with, I will keep those for the rest of my life. Because those were good memories. I miss being happy. I do. And moving on has become quite the challenge. I'll do it. Eventually. I'm going to go soak my feet. But, here's what I've been listening to. The sad lyrics that I promised. I really don't think it's helping.

"Did you ever see that one person? And the way they do these things? And it hurts so much. It's like choking, choking...
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person, and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much. So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions, and to scream confessions at the insupid sky. Parting clouds...you let this one person come down on the most perfect moment. And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have. I'll NEVER have. I'll never...
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in. Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in. But this table for one has become bearable. I now take comfort in this. And for this, I cherish you.
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person? And the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much. So much like CHOKING down the embers of a great blaze. It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions. And to scream confessions at the insupid sky. Parting clouds...you let this one person come down...come down...
I, cherish you.
I cherish you.
Just say you would do the same for me.
Just say you...would do...the same...for me.
Just say you would do the same...
Just say you...would do...the same...for me.
For as much as I love autumn
I'm giving myself to ashes." FATA

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