04-26-00 Wednesday


It is good. The day...is good. Even though I froze this morning during the S.A.D.D. pseudo-accident scene. I almost cried. Because they played a tape of Marcy (the victim who "died") talking about all the things that she'd miss, and how graduation is barely a month away...That really freaked me out. That was the only bad part of the day. Even though it wasn't bad. It teaches a really important lesson. It's good because the hand of reality reached out and smacked me right in the face. (not that I drink or anything) just that it would be extremely devastating if someone I knew died. I mean...Marcy and I aren't THAT close. I wish we were...but if that even got me all teary eyed. Think of how I'd be if it was someone REALLY close to me. (not that I wouldn't cry if Marcy died...I still think...devastation) but yeah. SMACK!

~The deepest embrace is creation~

I found out that the uh...student teacher was checking me out today. (EGO) sorry...(laugh) You know...the student teacher that every girl thinks is hot. (I don't think he even compares to the S.T. from my sophomore year history class) Tim and Sean filled me in 7th period. I think it's kinda funny. I didn't even notice. I usually notice things like that though. We were talking about it in studyhall. If you stare at someone...they'll notice within 30 seconds. (we tested the theory) I can feel eyes on me. Paranoia I suppose. but I hadn't noticed. I DID notice this guy at youth group though. I peered over my shoulder (cause I have this bad hair tossing thing...i hate habits) and he was looking at me. He's a cutie too. I've seen him somewhere. (other than y.g.) I think it was the musical I went to see at Elida (when James and I were...dating) Yeah. That's it. whatever...new topic.

~I wanna be with you. If only for a night...I'll be the one who's in your arms to hold you tight.~

So...I did call Mike...and we'll just say...Rejection! I love it. hmmm. It was an odd conversation. Steve kept telling him to get off the phone. His mom wanted him to really ask me to prom. Then I busted out with this whole "feelings" thing...It was horrible. But there have been worse. At least Mike was straight with me. So it's all good. I'm not stressin'. Even though I should be scared that I'm numb to rejection...yeah. Diane made a good point at youth group tonight. At least I figured things out before I got attached. It would have hurt more if I had gotten to know him better and/or attached myself (like I tend to do) So maybe I did learn my lesson. Ask first...then turn into a sissy, whiny, sappy, hopeless romantic. I still intend on being his friend. (sounding cheesy yet?) He's an awesome guy. Why would I say, "well, things didn't quite work out the way I wanted them to, so now I'm never going to speak to you again." No...I'll stick with a friendship. He's worth keeping around.

~Some things can never be explained, why does your love remain unchanged...and I wanna be selfish...you're my everything. Please don't forget my name, and take me with you when you leave. I've got a lot to lose. I've got to let it go.~

Hmmm. The strangest things...after youth group, we went to Arby's. (surprise) and I was sitting there...I had gotten up to throw away my trash...and I walked over to where Rob and Channie were standing...there's a big group of people standing by the door. Shawnee people...Ryan, the B.Y. boys, Ben...and I thought of Danny. It was just one of those weird memories that flood back in at the oddest times. I've been thinking a lot about prom...how I was so bitter last year...and I look up, and there he is. Just standing there talking to Ben. I'm like..."I'm hallucinating. How could I have missed him?" But it WAS him. and I gave him a hug...and it was just...good. He's been gone...we've really distanced ourselves (which was for the better) but there are times when I'm just like, "man, Danny would have loved that...I remember when...or, *sigh* I really miss him." That boy means a lot to me. More than I could ever say with words.

~and I guess I'll hold my breath.~

but, to tie these two stories together...I've been comparing the Mike thing to the Danny thing...and I realized that they're in two different ball parks. and it took this well organized run-in. A message (i think) sent from Heaven...to open my eyes, and set me straight. One night I'm spilling my guts...hoping to get some sort of good reaction, and the next night, I run into the first one I'd ever spilled my guts to. It's really strange...just the whole thought. and it probably doesn't sound how I wanted it to. but yeah...SMACK!!! and speaking of smack...I almost ran smack into some kitties on my way home. I think Rob has cursed me. Everytime he's in my car, I come too close for comfort to some sort of harmless furry creature...first the bunnies on Easter Sunday morning (bright and early) now kitties...SMACK!

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