04-25-00 Tuesday *Dedicated to my little brother...it's his birthday!*

I am the only being whose doom,
No tongue would ask no eye would mourn,
I never caused a thought of gloom,
A smile of joy since I was born.
In secret pleasure--secret tears,
This changeful life has slipped away,
As friendless after eighteen years,
As lone as on my natal day...
~Emily Bronte

I happened to find this poem in an E-mail from my friend Kristy today. It's good. I like it...Kind of sad, but still pretty. That seems to be the theme today. Pretty...Compliments out of nowhere..."you're haircut is so pretty." I heard this song on the radio on my way home from school. I never listen to the radio. But I got sick of the Rage cd, and ejected it...and just happened to catch the end of the new Mandy Moore song. It's called I wanna be with you. It's pretty. I downloaded it. It all fits together I'm sure.

~You're what I came here for, so I won't ask for more...~

I uh...chatted with Jason last night. and ultimately he's decided to stop pursuing me. I guess my cold shoulder was...freezing. He claims to have taken it well. I'm glad. I hate being on the opposite end. But it seems like he understands. (for the most part) I'm not going to argue with him. It gets old. I'm tired of arguing. I'm tired of bickering about stupid little things. I'm tired of not speaking to people. I'm tired of feeling out of place. I'm tired...(and not just with Jason. this is months of building things up inside.) Bickering with Kirsten...Not speaking to Dan... (I still get rude glances from him.) Just everything...I'm tired of prom...it's not even happened yet. But Tyler and Nicole want Will and I to go out to eat with them. But they don't know where they're going. Then they want us to laze around at Nicole's dad's house. I don't particularly want to do that. Laurie made a good point today. I want to either do something (she suggested random volleyball) or just go home and go to bed. But I'm trying not to be picky. Anything is better than last year. Being ditched (for the most part) at post-prom by the date who double-booked the day anyway and took me to a boring show in Michigan in place of prom...ignored me the whole time...then took me home...and stood looking at me funny while I cried for an hour in my freezing cold driveway. Anything is better than that.

~How beautiful it is just to be like this~

And this whole Vietnam thing is haunting me. Not only are we still talking about it in class, but I keep getting these weird flashbacks to the dream...and Rage Against The Machine isn't helping. I was talking to Jason about musicals, and he mentioned Miss Saigon. I was passing through the kitchen and noticed the cover of Readers Digest...It's got a big article about Saigon in it. I'm starting to get freaked out by this whole thing. But it's nothing I'm sure. Just all in my head.

~I wanna be with you. There's nothing more to say. There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way.~

And I need to call Mike. This is ridiculous. I'm making such a big deal out of nothing. I don't want to say too much. I don't want to say too little. It's...confusing as hell, and I'm so frustrated. I want to bash my head in to the wall a few times...maybe that would spark something intelligent. I doubt it. But what else is there for me to do. I'm on the edge here people. It's not amusing to look down and see that there's no one to catch you. It's depressing. I want to be caught. I want more than words...I ask for way too much. and I'm being vague. What's up with being vague here lately??? I can answer that. It's because I can easily incriminate myself. and I'm listening to some new age crap on my "jukebox". Why??? I was interested. Curious. and I can't say I like it. It's kinda boring. Makes me sleepy. But I'm open...an "open book" right??? I'm rambling.

~I wanna be with you, if only for a night. I'll be the one who's in your arms to hold you tight...~

I REALLY like that Mandy Moore song. Hard to believe she's 15. She has a pretty voice. (there we go with pretty again) I was talking to my insight into the male mind today. Luke cracks me up. He explains this whole "If he has a penis..." thing. and...the Laura=virgin...and how my new haircut screams "boner!" I don't know. I have some strange conversations I suppose. and I'm supposed to get with Tyler today and practice for Spring Sing. (only I have a cold...and my throat hurts...) but yeah. and I put up a poem...I wrote it last night. Along with a bunch more...They weren't very good...but...I should get off the computer now. *sigh* and deal with other problems. Like my Spanish essay...and calling Mr. No Emotions... right... Exit Stage Left.

HOME
CONFLICTS
POETRY

Email: holyrevelry@hotmail.com