I always wanted to miss you


04-22-03

~Turn down these voices inside my head.~

I neglected to mention during my emotional break down last night, that before my little trist with TJ, Jesse called me. It was the most entertaining 2 hour conversation I think I've ever had in my life. We've been talking about me driving up there to visit him since before I moved to Connecticut. And it's coming to the point where it's do it or forget about it. Cause I'll have a job soon...and I won't have time to make the trip. It's now or never. You know...I've been talking to Jesse for a VERY long time now. Since before I even knew Kyle. I remember that it pissed Kyle off. I don't think it was ever a threat to Tim. Cause I never really told him much about Jess. Damn. I've known him for a long time. We only ever really talked on-line. I called him once. A LONG time ago. But we just talked on and off on the internet. ICQ and e-mail. When I got home...I mentioned coming up for a visit. And he's all about it. So I gave him my cell number thinking he wouldn't call. But sure enough he called last night at like 7:30 and we talked until almost 10. Just about silly stuff. I thought it would be a good idea to see if he'd meet me at the Shelter in Detroit for the All American Rejects show that's coming up end of May. But I didn't realize it's on a Wednesday night. Lame. He's like, you should come up for a whole week. I don't know about that. But I might head up there for a weekend. I don't know how long I can go without a cigarette. Cause he threatened to head butt me if he saw me lighting up. He's all about healthiness. Drinks soy milk. I always forget he's an animal rights activist. But he doesn't work on the weekends. So I figured it would be fun just to get away for a couple of days. Visit upper-Michigan and get to know good ol' Jess. The only thing that's holding me back is my damn car. I don't know what the hell is wrong with it. But I'm scared shitless that it's just going to explode one of these days.

~And all of this was all your fault.~

I had a good talk with Laurie today. I told her about the TJ thing. And we discussed my next actions. Obviously my priorities are fucked up right now. I should be pounding the pavement trying to find a job. But instead I'm more worried about my social life. It's stupid I know. I think I just need some validation right now. I need a reason to be happy with what I've got. And it's harder than it seems. Matthew is talking to someone...to himself. Strange kid. He's still heartbroken that I didn't bring that damned PS2 back with me. (like I would have given it to him anyway. F that. I'd like a dvd player in my room thank you) I was talking about it with my mom the other day. She said something about taking a trip to CT just to tell Tim to give us the stupid thing. I think I said something along the lines of, "you couldn't pry it out of his lifeless hands." I can only make my mother laugh. Anyhow, back to the conversation with Laurie. She said that she gives me permission to hit on the guy at BP. And she said I could see what this thing with Jesse is all about. (long distance just isn't my thing though) Other than that, I'm cut off. I mentioned something about TJ's roommate jokingly. And she said NO WAY!!! (I agree. That's just asking for trouble) And I'm not allowed to hit on Andrew's friends cause they're too young. I'm just messin' around. Dammit! I'm still young. I'm alive and kickin', And I'm allowed to play the field. It's not like my name is Anna Nicole. So why can't I make a few more mistakes huh??? Give everyone more of a reason to talk about me behind my back. It'll all be forgotten in a few years. We'll just look back and laugh about it all anyway. (I'm shaking my head at my own stupidity now)

~It's just what anyone would do~

I love conversations with my little brother. He walked in and I made fun of him for wearing sweatpants. Then I said, "what's up?" and he's like, "shit". So I repeated the statement. And then he said it again. That went on for a minute. Then I told him to come in a chill. And he said he was going to bed cause he has school in the morning. Oh highschool...I don't know how he does it. When I was in school, there was no way I could stay up past midnight and be able to wake up in the morning.

~Sleeping to dream about you~

I can't stop thinking about my talk with Jesse. I laughed through the entire conversation. That's it. I'm going to forget about going to see Night Ranger at the mall with Andrew and Laurie on Friday. And I'm going to drive up there this weekend. Maybe I can stay for the show...then drive up all night. It's only 6 hours. That's a walk in the park compared to CT. Today is what...Tuesday??? It can't be that hard. I drove to Ann Arbor by myself. I drove to Detroit...last spring I think. Maybe I can convince him to get one of his friends to drive half way...and then he can ride the rest of the way back with me. That might be easier. I could get a tune up and an oil change tomorrow. Then I'll have a couple of days to see if the hellbeast will make it. And if it won't...I'll yoink the minivan. dirty...eh. we'll see.

~Don't it feel so nice, don't it feel so right~

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