I'm jaded now. Whatever that means
04-20-03
~Share with me, cause I need it right now, let me see your insides. Or write me off, cause I'd rather stop now if you won't open up.~
Happy f'n Easter! It's such a beautiful day. And I'm sitting here again. So what to say...
I got up this morning and did NOT want to get out of bed. But I did. And I showered and got all prettied up for church in my crisp cream suit. Church is always an adventure. Father Dave spoke about the blues today. He comes up to the alter and they were playing some old bluesy tune in the background. And he talked about how some people have the right to sing the blues. And some people just shouldn't. He started out with "Most of you got up this morning and put on beautiful clothes but you know in the back of your mind that you've got problems going on whether it's with family, or other relationships..." And I was thinking HELLO! yes. I love it when the sermon pertains to you. Then he started to explain reasons to sing the blues. I think it went something like, "People who drive old chevys are allowed to sing the blues. But if you drive a bmw or a mercedes you have no reason to complain." Anyhow, he went on about reasons that the diciples had to feel blue. And you know, it just made my situation seem trivial. That's definately one thing that I miss about church. The humbling effect it has. You realize that you really don't have it so bad.
~and now it seems that I have found nothing at all. Want to hear your voice out loud. Slow it down slow it down. And without it all, I'm choking on nothing...~
So after church, grandma, aunt mary, kiersten, joe and I all went to lunch. And of course the obvious topic of discussion was why the hell is Laura back in Lima? What happened with Tim??? So, being sick of telling the story, I gave them the long and the short of it. When push came to shove, Tim wasn't ready for the kind of give and take commitment that I had gone there for. So he rebelled and pushed me away. He reverted back to old habits that die hard and so I decided that it was best for me to leave. They asked if we still talk. So I said yes. But rarely. And when we do, he just reminds me why I left and that I can do better. I told them that I've been "dating" someone else. But he's currently mad at me cause my mouth writes checks that my ass can't cash. And he probably won't ever speak to me again. But ultimately it's ok. Cause I'm not pushing anything anymore. And if he wants to call and make ammends then he will. The only thing that upsets me about that is the loss of a friendship. But friends come and go. Life is just full of ugly realizations. And I think I've been slapped with most of them. Some of them more than once.
~Should have done something but I've done it enough by the way your hands are shaking rather waste some time with you. Should have said something but I said it enough by the way my words are fading rather waste my time with you.~
Hey! Grandma just called to tell me that she was really happy that I came today and that she's glad I'm back. See, repairing realtionships. I can do it. YA! I'm not so bad after all. And I'm fighting the urge to call TJ and try to straighten this whole thing out. I'm sure he doesn't want to talk to me. But that's the difference between boys and girls. I could talk things to death. And when it comes to guys...they just tune it out. IT'S 4:20 ON 4/20!!!!! I'm going to call Laurie. And she didn't answer her phone. Now would be a great time to get stoned. I wonder seriously how many people are passing it around right now. Just for the simple fact that it's 4:20pm on the 20th day of the 4th month. I'm also curious as to where the significance of that really comes from. Spoken from true nievety. Ok, back to a normal topic.
~You're never gonna find it if you're looking for it.~
What was I talking about before being sidetracked? Oh, repairing relationships. ya. I want to fix whatever I did to piss TJ off so badly. But he's not really giving me that option right now. I don't fucking know what to do. Is it salvagable? I don't even know that. because I don't know to what degree he's even mad at me. Or what exactly he's mad about. Like I said. This would be best dealt with, with an intense discussion and some hugs at the end (crossing my fingers) So we'll see if I can settle it. Damn my stupid mouth. (even though I don't know exactly what I said.) Damn my stupid mouth. I'm a moron.
~that's what girls dreams are made of. That's all you need to know. You have it or you don't~
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