Is This Real Or Am I Dreaming?
04-18-03~and you're gone I get nothing and you're off with barely a sigh~
It's exactly 10am. And I've pulled an all nighter again. Cause I told Laurie that I'd bring my resume to the store this morning. And I hadn't even started it. Cause we did all kinds of shit. Then I went to TJ's. And did more shit. He decided last night that he HAD to have a table and chairs right at that minute. So he, Deb, Pitka, and I all went in search of a kitchen table at 1 o'clock this morning. Went to Meijer. No luck. Then we hit Super Wal-Mart. And found a really nice one. So we get it back to the apartment and Deb and Pitka promptly deserted us. But TJ had to put the damn thing together. So we worked on that for like an hour and a half. Then he had to put together his new lamps. I'm complaining I know. But I swear, I've never done so much manual labor for a relationship before. Here's some more complaining for you. And blip from this morning's entry in the paper journal.
"It's sad to say, but TJ shocks me when he actually shows typical 'boyfriend-like' behavior. Like when he decided to sit on the arm of the couch next to me and put his arm around me. It was nice. Or the other night after we set up his bed and crashed in it for a minute. I was laying there looking up at the ceiling and he climbs onto the bed half on top of me...then he rolled over. It was almost nice. But just a tease. It's such a shocker when he does things like that. Because most of the time he's pretty standoffish. But these are things that you just come to expect from the person you're dating. Honestly, he never even kisses me besides goodbye. And even then if there are people within close proximity, you can forget it. I mean, I'm trying to make an effort to make things comfortable. We've been pseudo-dating for about 3 weeks now. Seriously, how hard is it to hold someones hand? Or put your arm around them? Touch them...show some affection for pete's sake!
The other night as I was leaving, we executed the typical goodbye kiss. And after he said, "that was a fucked up goodbye kiss." Now granted, it was kind of long, but I'm unsure of what he meant by that statement. My overanalyzation has come to 2 conclusions. #1: I'm a horrible kisser. (which i tend not to believe b/c I've had nothing but compliments on my skills and technique) or #2: It was fucked up b/c it was a goodbye kiss when it should have been something more maybe. (this i tend to agree with b/c I was walking down the path and he called me back for another) Not much really came out of that one though. I hadn't had time to decifer what he had said or wanted from me when he called me back. I would have been happy to have stayed longer. There's nothing wrong with a little making out here and there. (or everywhere for that matter) Then I was there until 4am this morning. But he was consumed by the assembly of his new lamps and table that I was totally neglected. And left once again with our typical goodbye. It's really unfortunate. Because I know that if I want anything to EVER happen, I'm going to have to initiate it. I just don't want to feel like I'm raping him."
~she could be as crazy or as foolish as she wanna be cause her old school ways a practicalla-technicalities are perfectly sane...I got no complaints~
Ya, complaining. I don't know why. I'm shaking my head at myself now. And packing my new pack o' smokes. Maybe cause I'm loopy tired again. The rest of that entry goes on about other shit at TJ's new place. I think his roommate is pretty funny. You put the 2 of them together and I could laugh for hours. Then again, the slightest things ammuse me. So I don't know if that's saying much. My mom likes to hear all the silly stories of my adventures outside the home. So I was trying to explain some of the funny things that Pat and TJ were talking about. And in my sleepy slurring, I attempted to say Pat and then stuttered and it came out Patty Pat Pat. I think I'm going to call him that from now on. At least I can make my mother laugh. I'm a riot when I haven't slept. I watched the sun rise again this morning. I think I'm going to start posting my early morning attempts at poetry. It's not really that good. But none of it has been for the past year. I'm in a rut. But at least I still make an effort. Ya, I'm gonna do that for awhile. Since I have a lack of anything clever to say here. Then it's eats and sleeps. I hope I don't wake up for the rest of the day. I think I'm going to try and stay up for as long as I can and then pass out until tomorrow. What an eventful Friday.
~Sleepin' to dream about you. And I'm so tired of havin' to live without you but I don't mind sleepin' to dream about you.~
10:53pm
So ya, I did just that. A woman of my word. I stayed up until almost 2pm then I slept until 9:30. Now I'm never going to sleep tonight. I called Laurie and she was half asleep. I called TJ and he's got big plans with Korey tonight. He was kinda rude to me over the phone. He's busy tonight...but we'll talk tomorrow. Ya, whatever. I think I'm going to put some clothes on, drag my brother to Meijer with me to get the candy and stuff for TJ's sisters kids Easter baskets. And I'll just drop them off with him tomorrow so he can take them to the Easter thing Sunday morning. (I'm going to bail on him and try to get a hold of my grandma. I'll go to church with her.) Then he has to work the rest of the day on Sunday. I'm having an anti-TJ weekend. It's coming down to the point where I'm getting tired of putting forth all of the effort. And he's SO damn busy with work and his apartment and all of his 9 million friends. So I'm just going to wait and see if he decides that he wants to hang out with me. (I'm in a really grumpy mood right now if you couldn't tell) FUCKING ARIES BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!! ok, I feel better now. OK, now I have to get my game face on so I can convince my brother to come to Meijer. (he never leaves the house) So if I have to take one for the team and play game cube with him. I might as well. Not like I have anything better to do.
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