04-18-00 Tuesday


First, I'd like to talk about my day. I got up, and didn't even want to go to school. I've had a headache all day. and it's only gotten worse. Before leaving the house, I got in a fight with my parents. (now, just to clear things up for those of you who think I'm trying to make my parents out to be these big bad monsters...I'm not. I'm sure lots of teenagers argue with their parents. That's the point. People relate.) Anyhow, school...yup...that's what it was. Me, stalking through the halls. Probably with an extremely ugly look on my face. I was bitter because my day started out badly. That's an emotion. bitterness...an emotion that I'm too familiar with. After choir, Kyle (who walks with me to my 2nd class) gave me a hug and kissed my head. I can't even begin to express how much that meant to me. It was more than anything he could have said. I got through 2nd and headed to spanish. No one had really said, "hey Laura, what's wrong? are you alright?" and I didn't expect them to. When things go wrong, I usually tell the whole world. I get loud about it and announce to everyone to stay out of my way because I'm not in a good mood. But I was keeping to myself. I didn't really want to talk about it. It hurts. But when I walked into the spanish room, Srta. said, "It doesn't look like you're having a very good day. I understand exactly how you feel." She didn't need to say anything else. I really appreciate her concern. She had planned on us watching this new Don Quijote video, but instead she let me practice with the cast. I needed a good laugh. And Kyle P's Auspanol is enough for years full of bad days. The rest of the day was a bit blah. Tim sat on me in studyhall and acted like I was Santa...he said that all he wanted for Christmas was for me to buy something from his candy sale. (funny) *sigh*

~Feel I've been beaten down by the words of men who have no grounds.~

But after school was kinda the icing on the cake. Derek, (my homecoming date this year) was fuming. He just found out that Jared made out with his girlfriend over the weekend. She broke up with him right after it happened. (that's the story I heard) Jared was told that they had broken up before it happened...but anyhow, the point is, Derek was about ready to bust Jared in the face. I tried to calm him down...(I absolutely hate violence) but he got in Jared's face and yelled at him, then squealed out of the parking lot. At least no punches were thrown. I went over to where Jared and a big group of people were standing...he was all "what was that all about? I didn't do anything" at this point, I'm SICK of hearing about stupid high school problems. I looked at Jared and said, "YOU MADE OUT WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND!" Doesn't anyone understand that those sorts of things bother people? When I turned around, Laurie decided to yell at me. I was wrong, and I'm a hypocrite, because I made out with Stevie?!?! (I tried to defend myself. I've NEVER made out with Steve. Never came close.) But she seemed to think that I had said that I had. I couldn't handle it anymore. (it = people twisting the things I say) I turned around and got in my car. and yeah...I may have said something along the lines of, "If anything else happens today, I'm gonna be tempted to put a gun to my head." I was kidding. Not really kidding...because that's not something to joke about. I didn't think anyone heard me. I was talking to myself. I don't have suicidal tendencies. I threaten...because I know I don't have the guts to do it. I can't stand pain. I could barely stand to get my ears peirced. (5-6 times)

~It's funny how silence speaks sometimes when you're alone~

Since then, I've talked to Laurie. She not only Emailed me, but called me to make sure I understood. She didn't understand how my day was...I didn't give her a chance to explain in the parking lot, and I vented on her. It was another misunderstanding. But it seems as though I'm not the only one who does that. It's a HUGE error in all human beings. It just happens to be one of my biggest flaws. I'll elaborate later. I want to apologize to Laurie...She's important to me...and I shouldn't have left like that. I shouldn't have taken what she said out of context. I know her better than that. And I'm kicking myself for not understanding. I also feel the need to apologize to Jason. I talked to him on the phone last night. He tries...really. and he wastes the time that he should be working on English to hear me rant and rave about problems with Mike. He doesn't like it when I talk about Mike. Understandably so. He's male...He feels that he had the territory marked first. (I'm assuming...correct me if I'm wrong) But I ignored that, I was disrespectful. I feel like I've been leading him on...but I've been trying my hardest to convince him that I'm NOT at all what he's looking for. I might not understand just what that is...and I might be letting my emotions interfere. But this whole thing needs straightened out. I will talk to Mike too. I don't know when...but yeah...Moving on.

~we are one, we are strong. The more you hold us down, the more we press on.~

I had to fill out a paper today, and describe myself in one sentence. I said that I'm an open book. An open book...I don't like to lie. and I suppose that tends to get me into trouble. I've also noticed recently that it's been this journal that has gotten me into the most trouble. because I tell it how I see it. because a person is a person to me. I didn't know that anyone got "special treatment". and seeing as you can't see the sincere look on my face right now, we'll just say that it doesn't get more sincere than this. I understand that "personal" things shouldn't be plastered on a webpage on the internet. (which makes me wonder why so many people do it...) I'm expressing how deeply sorry I am...for defiling my aunt. (name not mentioned) maybe the things I said were not true. At the time, I thought they were, and I was only defending a friend. I also want to clear another issue. I thoroughly enjoy spending time with my cousins, and in all honesty, I never felt as though I was using them to get to Mike. I found their company pleasant. An escape from the friends I was used to. I guess I took things too far. and I'm sorry.

~can you take me higher?~

I didn't want this to turn into something it wasn't. Things have been blown way out of proportion, and I can't take back what's been said. I'm not ashamed to admit when I'm wrong, and I'm not proud.

~The dust has finally settled on the field of human clay.~

Most of you probably have no idea of what this was all about. If so, I'm sorry, just disreguard this entry.

~Now I saw a face on the water, It looked humble but willing to fight. I saw the will of a warrior His yoke is easy and His burden is light. He looked me right in the eyes, direct and concise to remind me to always do what's right...Cause if the face inside can't see the light I know I'll have to walk alone, and if I walk alone to the other side I know, I might not make it home.~


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