04-16-00 Sunday (ok, technically it's the 16th, but it still feels like Saturday to me.)


The time is 3:04AM. I got home (15-20 minutes ago) to find my brother sleeping on the couch in an upright position. cartoons blaring...everyone is sound asleep. (with the exception of the dog.) I'm home...which means I was gone. Where you ask? Well, the plans I mentioned before decided to realize themselves. Not the way we first planned them...not at all. but generally...ya. I went to Wapak. (big surprise there) Ahhh, Wapak and all it's...well...all it lacks. We (Ali, Megan, and I) went bowling. First of all, their bowling alley is half the size of ours. Second, it's 20x more boring. I mean...the company was fine. We amused ourselves with free-style bowling. and the group of drunk people in the lane beside us...cough...but I wasn't really satisfied with the evening until Mike got in the car. We went back to my aunt's place knowing that she would be less than pleased. She doesn't like Mike. Well, no...I can't say that. She thinks he's "weird". So we chilled in the basement for a few hours. I know...totally disrespectful to my aunt...she and my mother both cringe at the sound of his name. C'mon...he's NOT a bad guy. He tries to be weird. ON PURPOSE! but that doesn't make him bad. I guess (the way my cousin put it) the idea is...that his obsession with vampires is going to get out of hand...and he's going to bite me and suck my blood. I just find this a little ridiculous. So he likes to read about vamps...so he's currently working on a novel about vamps...I don't see any fangs coming out of the boy's mouth. Mike is NOT a threat to me. I think that since I over-ruled the "connection", then another excuse for me NOT to be near him has to be created. *sigh* Next topic...

~emotion sickness...~

This evening has to be one of THE most confusing of all of the weekends so far. I honestly can't find a place to begin. ok...here's a good one. We were sitting on the couch in the basement right? and the whole thing with Mike being "weird" came up. We heard some footsteps upstairs...and he looks at me and says, "we probably shouldn't be sitting next to each other should we?" and I said, "no...but wouldn't it be funny if she opened the door and came down here... I would (this is when I jumped on Mike...) do this so that way..." then he procedes to put his leg over me and pull me in as close as possible...It sounds funny. It was funny. but I'm not laughing anymore. We were fighting over the canned air...that was another instance where we were practically on top of each other. Somehow we ended up back on the couch. It was the strangest thing...he says, "I was talking to Jason. He tells me that last weekend you thought I was flirting with you." Then...I became Captain Obvious. (anyone who knows me, knows that I can't hide my feelings for very long...) I got pretty defensive. I asked him about it. but he played it off. upsetting...am I blind? is he gay and I just can't see it...(because from what I've heard...some people think his sexuality is questionable) He can't be. I can't be imagining these things. I, being Captain Obvious, started talking about how my head hurt from thinking about this. I said that I wished I could turn off my brain and not think about anything. So Mike decides to turn off my brain for me. (???) He put his hand on my head...and...nothing happened of course...but really, I was thinking even more. Things like, "what is he thinking right now?" because that's what bothers me the most. Not knowing how HE feels. I know how I feel about it. I know how everyone else feels about it...but his intentions are beyond a mystery to me. Finally, at 2...he had to get home. Ali and I got him safely there...but not without some car discussions. It's obvious that he knows what I'm feeling. He informed me of that... "You've just gotta turn off those emotions and feelings." well, I wish it was that simple. and when we dropped him off...he asked when I'd be "in town" again. (???) I'm like, "I dunno. it depends. I could come anytime really. Why?" ...no answer... "Why? When does Mike want me to come to town?" "Mike doesn't really care." he says... (to me that says "Mike does care but doesn't want to or doesn't want anyone to know." but maybe I'm misreading between the lines...) Then he got out of the car...I said, "you never really answered my question." "what question" (playing dumb...which he's not so good at) "When does Mike want me to come to town?" Then he's like, "I dunno. I work....(long pause) I don't remember." "well if you'd Email me..." so he's like "I'll try" or something to that effect.

~you fondle my trigger then you blame my gun~

Ali and I had quite the conversation on the way back. She claims Mike wasn't himself this evening. There was something different that she couldn't put her finger on...No WAIT! no...I won't say. This whole thing put Jason into a tizzy. I realized why I haven't talked to him much lately. He's irked I'm sure. But there are certain things you can and cannot help. Like how I'm attracted to Mike... he's intelligent. (Mr. I passed ALL 5 proficiencies with honors) and he's hilarious. Everyone seems to think that I can just numb myself to what I feel. I'm sorry. but I can't. and that's why I get burned...and that's why I wasted a year of my life chasing a dream...stumbling the whole way, knowing that I didn't have a glimpse of a chance. You'd think I would learn from something like that. But as it stands, I'm still in the dark.


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