Notes from the Fishbowl
4-15-2005 Friday
	Thank God it's payday. Screw being Friday. As if Friday means something special. I still have to get up early tomorrow for work. My weekend doesn't start until 4pm on Saturday. So what are my big plans for Friday? Nothing. I take that back. Nat and I are most likely having one of our infamous Laundromat parties. So if you're bored and it's still Friday (between 8pm and 10pm) by the time you read this, stop by the 24 hour Laundromat in Elida. We'll be there with the radio that we bring along blaring some kind of loud rap music, dancing around like idiots. I'm serious. We've done it before. Why the Laundromat when we have a perfectly good washer & dryer at the house? Something happened to a specific breaker...it blew. Not just blew. It's fried. That breaker happens to run electricity to that wonderful washer & dryer. And the microwave for that matter. This is just no good. Considering the fact that I've let my dirty clothes pile become obnoxious. It's no longer a pile. I have 2 baskets, a box and an overflowing hamper full of dirty clothing. Big plans for the rest of the weekend though. Not my plans. I'm not really that excited about it to be honest. But I drug Nicole to Juliana last Saturday so I figure it's only fair. She and Natalie (who is in the process of moving in btw) both want to go dancing at Wooly Bully's in Findlay. I dig the place. I've been there. It's a pretty good time. I had my hopes set on the same old same old though. Since my favorite door man will be working...I was thinking that after scoping each other out for 3 weekends in a row, this would be the time to finally do something about it. I have his number (by way of the clueless belligerent suitor) and I could call him if it came down to it. It's a shame. And I feel bad. I do feel bad. But it's not like I didn't warn him. It's not like he didn't know.
What goes around comes around...
	How we went about acquiring this wonderful ID checker/doorman's number is actually an entertaining story. Jimmy thought it was pretty hilarious. So I'll repeat one more time. We were at the club standing in the entryway waiting for Shane to come out of the bathroom a few weeks ago (he was cleaning vomit off of his sweatshirt EW!) Nicole and I stood there minding our own business when these two creep O spazoids come waltzing out of the guys restroom headed straight for us. I didn't catch it as quick as Nicole did and she said, "Hey I'll be right back" leaving me to suffer through the torture. She struts over to the door guy (she knows him from the bank...one of her old regular customers) while these freaks introduce themselves and proceed to drool and foam like two dirty dogs with rabies. Shane came out of the bathroom and walked over to my rescue. One of the nasties asked if Shane was my boyfriend and I immediately said yes and hid behind him. I thought for a moment after saying it that it was a bad idea but then remembered he was hammered and wouldn't remember later anyway. I walked over to Nicole insisting that it was time to go before Shane spewed his acidic stomach juices once more. Shane had other plans. He's vowed to hook Nicole up with someone every time we've all gone out for the last month. He leans in to the door guy and slurs, "Hey! Let me introduce you to my friend Nicole." Nicole laughed. "He knows me. I know him. This is Scott. Shane, let me introduce you to my friend   Scott." The guy just stood there with a grin on his face (a very sexy grin might I add. A very sexy face.) in awe of the drunken stupidity. All I'm thinking is ~ok Shane's gonna puke on this guy who's super hot and I'm going to be embarrassed. I hope he doesn't think Shane is my boyfriend or anything.~ Ya, I'm a bitch. I know. Anyhooter, Shane asks Scott for his phone number. So he could give it to Nicole. Even if Nicole WAS interested in this guy, there's no way he could have convinced her to actually call him. Sheesh! Funny thing is, Scott gave it to him. No questions asked. I believe he took down Shane's number as well. (Not too sure why.) Now, the underlying content of the story. The part that I didn't find out until later...when Nicole left me to the pack of hungry wolves and went over to talk to Scott, she says that he said to her, "You're friend is pretty hot. Is she single?" and when he saw Shane he asked if he was my boyfriend. She said, "She's single and he wants to be but she won't have it." HAHAHA! So, Shane has unintentionally hooked me up with someone else. Thanks Shane. Good job buddy. Keep up the great work. I know all of this sounds horrible. Let me explain further.
Lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my light is found...
	It's been a month. Take that back. Two more days and it will be a month since I met Shane & I've said it before, he's a great guy. I like our situation right now. For the most part, we're friends. We hang out, talk, and spend a shit ton of time together. He fixes things and helps out around the house. (replaced the sink faucet, put power steering fluid in the Jeep, he even did the heavy lifting last night while we moved Nat's less weighty furniture.) Hell, he baked a cake earlier this week. He offers to pay for everything. We're at the bar, he buys me drinks. We stop for Taco Bell, he insists on paying for my burrito. He gives me little unnecessary gifts. I barely knew him for a week and he'd given me an Incubus t-shirt. More recently, he gave me a stuffed frog that he pulled from a claw machine. It has the word "bessame" stitched into it's chest. I'm pretty sure it's Italian. I know it means "kiss me". And he claims he didn't know that's what it meant. I do kiss him. On an occasion. It's kind of hard not to when that's how we met. He kisses me goodnight when he leaves or when I drop him off. But it's not what I want. There's still no chemistry for me. I've tried. He's just not my type physically. And I don't mean his appearance. I definitely find him attractive. I've told him that on numerous occasions but he's so self conscious. He doesn't take a compliment well at all. He has no confidence what so ever. What I mean by physically is, the feeling you get when you're with someone. That physical drive to be near them, touch them. It's just not there. Once again, I've said it before. Our relationship is good. He doesn't mention anything about titles. He doesn't poke and prod at my feelings. He's asked Nicole quite a few times if I'm interested in more. She doesn't say anything. Tells him he shouldn't get her involved. I don't know what I'd say if he did ask me though. So as long as nothing is said then things are wonderful the way they are. It's a relationship with no strings attached. No titles. No expectations. No disappointment. If I didn't know that he wanted those things then it would almost be perfect. If he didn't want them then it WOULD be perfect. I dig Shane. I care about him. I just don't want to be in a relationship with him because I know it would only result in me hurting him more than it would hurt to just let him down to begin with. Make sense?
Tantric Celibacy for dummies
	It's my new favorite excuse. My excuse for not having sex with Will = Tantric celibacy. My excuse for not getting close to Shane...you guessed it. I'm exploring a new fad. A trend in my life. (I've gone through so many that I can't even list them) It's not that I can't have sex. (I could. I'm just not interested in having sex with any of the guys who are currently interested in having sex with me) I just don't want to. So HA! I win. So I'm channeling my sexual energy. Whatever that means. I'd like to know where it's going. I've done a little reading on the topic. Just enough to sound like I know what I'm talking about when I use it as an excuse. Basically, the most I got was out of an article I found that says this, "The potential reasons for exploring Tantric celibacy are many--including the desire to deepen a life partnership, to gain a new level of mastery over one's body, to heal the emotional scars of sexual abuse, to practice safe sex, or to explore the intimate relationship between spirituality and sexuality. By transcending the boundaries of conventional sexuality, one can learn to harness the divine energy--glimpsed for only an instant by most people--that is at the heart of all erotic yearning." Sounds good to me. And I think it will serve as a great pick up line. (HAHA) Or maybe turn a guy on even more when he thinks I'm more of a challenge. (Oh the games we play. The webs we weave) When in all actuality, if I want to, I'll break my little celibate cycle without a seconds notice. Maybe...As for right now, I'm pretty okay with not having sex. I've contemplated trying some of the exercises and meditations that go along with it. Hence the word Tantric. I have found myself interested in the subject. Just not so sure if I'm willing to sacrifice 100% for it. Speaking of sex...hahaha. Ryan finally decided to send me an e-mail. Here I was thinking that he'd died. Or he was pulling a me and just ignoring me like I've been doing to poor Ben. OR he'd been abducted by pigmies and stolen away to some creepy village in the thick of the jungle and crowned their king. Nope. He just couldn't call. Not that it was so extremely difficult to send that e-mail. But once again, it's the benefit of a relationship minus the relationship. (It's what he wanted all along) You're not tied to that person in any way. You're not obligated. It's...liberating. Let him have his freedom! Let him eat cake! I will do the same. Freedom from lame ass relationships. Freedom from a broken heart. And red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting that's sitting on the stove at home...just waiting for me to devour it's rich velevetty goodness. Okay, I'm a moron. I gotta go do some damn laundry.