I am the initiater


04-15-03

~all we do is make up and break up. Why don't we wake up and see when love hurts, it won't work. Maybe we need some time alone. We need some time to breath.~

Damn I contradict myself so much. I think I said in the last post that I wasn't going to talk to Tim for a very long time. Well, I downloaded kazaa last night (cause winmx sucks) and I found all kinds of songs that I heard nonstop in CT. I've been listening to Stonesour and Acid Bath. (what is my problem?) well, I saw that Tim was on IM. And Dead Girl was blaring from the computer speakers. So I typed one of the lines from the song to him. And he replied with the next part of the lyric. Then I told him that I missed that shit. And that was it. But here I go again being the initiater. I don't want it to be like this between the two of us. If I could salvage our relationship I would. But here I am 800 miles away reminiscing like it was so long ago. And dating someone else. I don't expect anything more from Tim anymore. He's not coming back for me. So I'm moving on. I'm not going to hope for the impossible.

~your lipstick calling~

So I'm just waiting for TJ to finish showering and getting ready. We've got big plans to do nothing tonight. There's really nothing that I can think to do. But sit around and watch tv or a movie. And I bet that's what we'll end up doing. We'll end up at the theater I'm sure. Or over at Laurie's. I'd rather hang out there than the theater. I'm tired of watching movies. Maybe I can convince him to go to the park with me and play on the swings. That would be fun. It was like 80 degrees today. So nice. But I had a headache and felt like hell all day. I laid in bed until I thought I was going to vomit. So I got in the shower and started to feel better. I definately look better too. Moussed it up. Hair's all big. Put on my face. Now I'm downloading my all time favorite rapper Q-tip. And just jammin'. I could run out to see what the girls are doing. Laurie said that Nicole is buying her cake topper and her mom sent a bunch of stuff for the wedding and they're checking it all out over at Nicole's. I don't know if I'll go though. I'm gonna post this and chill for a bit. I'll update it later I'm sure.

~the sound of the ocean is dead. It's just the echo of the blood in your head.~

11:11pm

So ya, TJ ditched me tonight. He was extremely apologetic about it. But that doesn't really ease the bitterness. So Laurie and I made a deal. I was to stop and get her cigarettes and she got me food and we were to meet at Nicole's to look at all of the wedding goodies that her mom sent her. And where did I go to get smokes??? Why BP of course. I actually had a conversation with my dude. I walked in and he was like, "cigarettes". And I said yup. And he smiled. I said I need to quit and he was like, "I quit for 3 days. It didn't work." Then I left. So I went to Nicole's. Kacey took my car for a spin to try and decifer the problem. He thinks I have a bent rim. I don't know. But I realized that it's still on warranty so I'm going to take it out there and see what they can do. We watched the end of American Idol. Then Laurie and I headed over to her place where we sat on our asses for about an hour. Then I decided to come home. Cause I kept complaining about TJ and everytime I mentioned it Laurie would roll her eyes and say, "Shouldn't you expect this by now. This is like the 12th time he's done it."

~NOTHING EASY NO!~

I don't know. He says it'll be better once he gets moved in to his new place. He said, "then you can come over all the time." But I've been spoiled. I'm not used to a guy saying, "no, you come and see me." or "I don't want to go out tonight". I just never had to work this hard for it. It's just frustrating because I've come to expect the guy that I'm "dating" to want to hang out with me all the time. But he just doesn't happen to have the time. And when he does, he's got 90 people calling him on his cell. Or he's got other plans. Or he's too tired. Or he doesn't feel good. Or he's not in a good mood. UGH! But he's more than willing to talk on IM. I just don't understand. So I blame it on myself. I'm nuts. I'm an overanalyzer. I take things too seriously. I don't know.

~go make your next choice be your best choice and if you're lookin' for a gal with a voice well baby i'm single.~

So I came home after peeling out of the driveway (dad pissed me off) to a note from my father. He thinks I'm going to end up like my grandma who's $20,000 in debt. Cause I didn't get a job immediately when I came home. He's also mad that I created a $300 phone bill from calling here collect bawling to my mother about how horrible Tim was before I finally left his ass. And he's mad that I've been using my mom's cell phone. Cause I'm never home when people want to get a hold of me. He says it's emergency only and yet my mom never uses it. NEVER. So I thought it would be ok. And she was ok with it. Anyhow, it ended on a good note. Cause he thinks he's instilled some good thoughts into my head. And I think I'm fine and I haven't missed a bill yet. I can take care of myself thank you. Then I get on-line to update about the evening and vent. And TJ asks me if I had fun tonight. YA! shit loads.

~Or we can keep chilling like ice cream filling We can be cool in the gang if you'd rather hang Ain't no thing. I can be lacubrious with you. I got no ifs ands ors no wits or whats about it But this place is getting crowded and my house is two blocks away Or maybe closer~

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