When Bunnies Attack

04-15-01 Easter Sunday

~The suckers lose themselves in the games they love to play~

Another holiday. One more day. 24 more hours with my crazy family. Seriously. CRAZY. I'd like to say a few things about my family. They're nuts. Like you wouldn't believe, but I guess they just wouldn't be family otherwise. So last week, my mother tells me that she and my dad are getting divorced. We've been through this countless times. I no longer believe her. Because everytime she tells my dad that she wants to get divorced, he throws a fit. Then she tells him that his fits aren't going to change her mind. She's not in love with him anymore. Then he cries and says he'll change. And she tells him that he's said that before and it still hasn't happened. Then he says that there's no way finacially that she could survive without him. This time I heard something new. She said she was tired of needing him. I thought it was seriously going to be the last time I'd have to hear this fight, and that it would be over finally. But today, it was all lovey and kissy. What the hell! I don't understand it. Not that I'm promoting their divorce. But I realize that their marriage is ridiculous to begin with. And my mother's constant complaining has only become a hassle. I'm tired of hearing the same crap over and over again. All 19 and a half years of my life. The last few weeks have been one big huge pile of stupid. And there's just so much crap running through my head. It's school, and Nicole, and work, and my boyfriend. My life in general. I'm stressed out. I'll try and explain.

~Everything is fine. I'm lonely all the time. When all I wanna do is be there for the things that you're going through. Well is it good for you? Is it good for you?~

School:
That pretty much explains itself. It's getting up early, and trying to stay awake in my classes. then there's my lack of studying skills. The lack of time TO study. The lack of patience even if I had the time.
Nicole:
That's a huge thing that I really hate to talk about. I know she's been pretty frustrated with me lately. But it's like one second, she pisses me off, then it's ok. I think it started...when this Kory and Kyle thing started. She doesn't want to do what we used to. Jon even mentioned that she doesn't want to just have a movie night anymore. I'm tired of going out every night with the twins. Because plans ALWAYS revolve around them. When they get off work, and what they want to do. So if I get off later, they won't wait for me. And if I'd rather do this, they'd rather go fishing when it's butt cold outside. They can't make SET PLANS. Everything is last minute. And the other night I called, and asked her to call me and tell me what they were going to go do because they were waiting for someone else to show up. She never called. I'm getting ditched...and it's rough. Especially when I've been in this stupid funk because of my family crap. She doesn't want to listen to that. But I was supposed to listen to her Tyler crap. I ended up spilling all of it out on Kyle. And he's been the only one I can lean on anymore. The last few times I've had to drive home late at night by myself, it was in tears. I have all these emotions. But I can't let anyone else see that I'm not handling things well. I'm strong. I'm the tough one. And no one understands how hard it is to be the only one who listens. And my best friend...that's rough.
Work and my boyfriend:
I had my 6 month review the other day. I go in the back room with Kim, and she's telling me all my weak points. All the things I need to work on to do my job better. Some of it I thought was a bit unfair. But I was fine with it. I had to sign the paper. And she's like, "I'll send this in to Rodney (our district manager) and he'll tell me if and what your raise will be. And one more thing. I can't promote you to AMIT (assistant manager in training) as long as you and Kyle are together. I don't really know what's going on. And I'm not going to say you have to break it off. Or fire him just to promote you. It's your choice. I don't necessarily NEED an AMIT right now. We'll be fine without one. I really wanted to promote you. But I'm not going to make the decision for you. If you want it, you tell me." I was under the impression that it didn't really matter if he and I were together. Because AMIT doens't really have the same responsibilties as an actual assistant. I wouldn't carry keys. I couldn't run the store by myself. I'd just be there so managers can take breaks, and such while Shannon was gone for her pregnancy. There are certain things that regular associates can't do on the register. I'd be able to handle those while the manager on duty was in the bathroom. Nothing big. Their big deal is favortism. They assume that if I were a manager, I'd take it easy on Kyle and make everyone else do the work. That, or something worse like internalcompany theft. But I'm the last person who would take something out of that store that didn't belong to me. So I was left with the choice. Job or boyfriend. I've put 6 and a half months into that store. 1 and a half in Kyle. And I chose Kyle. I love my job. It's fun and laid back, and the people I work with are amazing. But Kyle is far more important to me. I'm too attached. And ugh...I'm falling. Not even this promotion can stop my fall. That's really hard to deal with. Going from my independent single girlness to a sappy jealous girlfriend. That was a hasty decision. I couldn't think. I just -did-. And I'm happy with the choice that I made. It just means more work for me this summer. I'm definitely going to have to find another part time job. soon...it's too much. Too Too much.

~I'm in the background~

Things get even more complicated. I just got off the phone with Tyler. He's at school. And I was chatting with him for a few seconds on ICQ. Then he told me to call him. It seems as though he's having the same troubles with Nicole. I don't know what to say. To show her what she's doing is really pissing people off. I paged her. Hopefully, she'll call. I'm only giving her 10 minutes though, cause I need to call Kyle back. I don't think she realizes what she's done.

~I'm not the one you are thinking of.~

Speaking of friends who I rarely talk to anymore because they're off at college...Kir came in the store. Mainly to talk to Kim about getting a job this summer. That's cool. It's awesome having her around. It was cool over Christmas. It's always nice to see her when she comes home. I don't know, she always seems so refreshed. I think it's almost good that she's gone. Because after awhile we tend to hate the sound of each others voices. So when she comes home from being gone, I tend to appreciate our friendship more. She told me to come over and watch a movie that night. I would have. And I really didn't mean to ditch you Kir. But like I said before, I've been having so many problems recently...and the last thing I wanted was to dump on you the weekend when you're at home. I've read so much about how everyone at school tells you all their problems, and then doesn't listen to you. I know how that feels, and I didn't want to rain on your Easter parade. Same with Jen. She came in the store on Saturday. And I was so excited to see her. She's changed. And I know that's cliche. Of course she's changed. She's been in West Virginia for what seems like forever. And I don't know. She's a totally different person. She sounds different. Her life is completely foreign to me. It was frightening. It makes me wonder how I'll be when I go to Columbus. She also invited me to go out with her and Kir that night. But the whole thing with my promotion took place that day. I just wanted to wallow in self pity. Not what I want to share with friends I haven't seen for a long time. They don't need to see me when I'm down. And it was really hard for me to escape from that feeling yesterday.

~and now, your face lights up the sky. Somehow, I feel that you're close by.~

Well, she never called me. And Tyler said if she doesn't call him tonight, he's through. I don't know. I think this Kory and Kyle thing has just given her a reason to be irresponsible. I'm not going to talk about it anymore. And Tyler gave me the lovely task of getting back his class ring. If she doesn't call him tonight, he says he doesn't want to talk to her. She was supposed to give him the ring this weekend but neglected to call him back when he paged her. It's all a vicious cycle. I'm sick of it. But!!! That's a very large BUT. I do have good news. Today, after Easter lunch, my cousin Kiersten (the one who lives in Indianapolis and is getting married next summer) asked me to be her maid of honor. YEEEEEESSSSSS! I'm the maid of honor! I'm the maid of honor! I am so excited about this. As soon as I heard that joe proposed to her (even though Joe isn't exactly my favorite of her boyfriends through the years...he's a big smartass, and I am too. That doesn't work very well.) secretly I wanted to be the maid of honor. I hoped she'd ask. And boy oh boy!!! YES! Dang I'm excited. ok, no more journal entry. It's too frickin long. goodnight. happy Easter. watch out for those rabid bunnies.

~I can't say why I love you. But I do. Yes I do and when I'm around you, feel so good. Feel so good.~

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