finally out of words


04-14-03 12-2am

~are you in the mood to be subdued~

Cause I am!!! Sorry Mraz-moment. Once again I'm attempting to update and talk to both Ben and TJ on IM all at the same time. But TJ's trying to pack and talk to me at the same time. I still think I'm a better multitasker. I went over to Laurie's at supper time and we grilled some burgers. Nicole came over and we were bored. We ended up driving around. Stopped a couple of places. Then I finally hunted TJ down. He was at his parents. So we drove all the way to Wapak at like 9:30 and bugged the hell out of him. I don't know why but we were all so bored and excited to be out doing something. We were spitting sunflower seeds at each other. And screaming. Jumping around. We ended up at the Waffle House and they played some corny ass music. But it was fun. I miss hanging out with my girls. I'm sure TJ didn't appreciate the insane amounts of obnoxiousness. It was strange. Cause I always try to act cool around him. And we were just raw retarded tonight. So he probably thinks I'm stupid now.

~of course i didn't know that it would happen to me. Nothing easy.~

I was actually just talking to my mother about the whole thing (after she lectured me about drinking). She asked what was up with the "thing" with TJ. And I said. idunno. It's still all up in the air. I told her that I screwed up the whole purpose of the "thing". Just to recap (the purpose was that it was a hassle free easy thing no ties. no frustration). So ya, how have I screwed it up you ask? Well, (spilling of the guts ensues) I started to really like him. I enjoy hanging out with him. His sister was right. He is funny. I've always found him attractive. And so it's even worse now that I know him better. And like I said before. I don't want to get hurt again. So I'm being a huge pain in the ass. Cause I freak out if he doesn't call when he says he will. Nicole said tonight, "He's a boy. He's busy. Boy's don't think about stuff like that when they're busy." And it's true. I just...I take things too seriously. And I take things to heart. I'm lame. And now he's been reading this shit and I don't want to post this. But I'm a dumbass. So I will anyway.

~not so little you and I anymore.~

04-14-03 4:39pm

Ok, so it's been a whopping 14 hours since I was updating this morning. Right after I finished the above update, I started searching through the archives. I knew I'd written something about TJ a long long time ago. Otherwise I wouldn't remember him hitting on me back in the day. But I didn't find it here. I busted out the paper journals (actual physical notebooks that I write in on an occasion) and found 2 entries that I wrote about it back in January of 2001. First of all, I can't believe I've known him that long, and secondly, it was really hilarious. We were talking on IM so I told him about it. Then I ended up calling and reading it to him. But that sparked really good conversation. Really set my mind at ease. I just realized that instead of trying to make it work, I should let whatever happens happen. On top of that, I couldn't help but notice how strange things happen around here. How many people I met through Gadzooks...and how chains of events just lead to crazy things. This town is so damn small to begin with. I met Kyle at Gadzooks. I met Korey there and he's the reason TJ started coming around. Then TJ hated me for a long time cause he thought that I thought he was stalking me. Then I ran into him at the theater, and told him that wasn't the case. And he started showing up at the mall again after I met the guys from Journeys at Gadzooks and got a job there instead. Then I gave him a part time job with me. (with the intentions of weaseling information out of him for Kir) So he only ever really worked with me. I met Tim through a chain of people starting at Gadzooks. But then that went to shit. But I got to know TJ while working with him...saved his hair once. And ended up bonding with him so before I left for f'n CT he told me I'd come back for him. Unfortuately that's not why I came back but I'm glad I called him when I did get back. Who knew. Honestly, most of the people that I know I either hung out with in high school or I met them through Gadzooks. Sometimes I think I know almost everyone in this town. 6 degrees of seperation. Like, here's a weird example...my dude at the bp...Laurie thinks he dated Jess (one of her old roommates) I thought I recognized him from somewhere. I swear. It's a small world.

~I'm in love with every word you say!~

So I finally got my tax check today. I'm loaded. (too bad it's all spoken for) Laurie said I picked the perfect time to come home. I agree. I've been jobless for a month now and haven't been strapped for cash. I also haven't really purchased anything besides food, smokes, and gas. So I've cut myself off from the mall. I've been there 3 or 4 times since I've been home. Wait...I take that back. I did buy the Jason Mraz cd. But I consider that a necessity. So anyway, I drug my brother to the bank so I could finally cash all my checks I've been collecting. I have 4 bills to pay. Then I'm good for awhile. Glad my change of address finally went through. So I don't have to worry about my shit being sent to Tim. He and I are no longer speaking. Well, we would be if we weren't both stubborn assholes. He told me that I could call him. And I told him that the phone line works both ways. But at this point. I don't think I'll be calling him for a VERY long time. And I'm sure (if he's been reading the journal) he's found several cruel stabs at him. But, he hurt me. And whether or not he says that he doesn't talk shit about me. I'm sure he does. It's just a given. If you have a bad break up, you're gonna bitch. And I think I took the worst hit. So I do talk shit. Like I said, he hurt me. And that deserves a little mud slinging. I'm justified dammit! And if I continue to talk about it, I'm going to smoke this whole pack of cigarettes and it won't be pretty.

~could it be maybe you saw me sleeping~

My cousin Kiersten once told me that you always end up hating the first person that you sleep with. I never believed her. Cause at the time I was all about saving myself for marriage. I was also like 16 years old when she told me that. But I've obviously realized that wisdom. I can't say that I hate Tim. I'm extremely disappointed with the way it all happened. I won't say that I regret it. But I definately wish it had been different. I don't think I'll ever love someone that much for a very long time. I'll never do that much for someone ever again. I'll never give up my life just to be with someone. I'm not going to compromise the things that I want in life, or sacrifise who I am. I can't say I wouldn't beat the shit out of him if I ever saw him again. Right now...I'm thinking toward revenge. But that's not the answer. I'd really like to blast him in the face though. Primal screaming helps. (I had both Laurie and Nicole screaming with me on the way home from Wapak last night. Good fun.) I really can't describe all the feelings that run through my head when I think about what happened with Tim and I. And it's 5:30 now. I'm going to get up and work out for a bit then shower and hopefully TJ will call like he said. I can help him pack or something productive rather than sitting on my ass and chain smoking.

~I hear you so don't you say another word.~

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