the best time to drop the worst line


04-12-03 1:05am

~and if you want me back, you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.~

Ok, I'm coming off of a really good drunken stupor. But unfortunately, I woke up on the couch at Laurie's after a really good night of drinking fun. And I called TJ. Which was probably the worst thing I could have done. Cause now, I'm no longer in a good mood. He told me not to drive home...but I did it anyway. Andrew had a bunch of people over, and I was asleep through most of it. But the parts that I remember basically consist of card tricks and usage of the word bitch. I fell asleep when there was 4 people (including myself) and woke up to like 8 or 9 people and Laurie stumbling up to her room. Then I called TJ who said he was going to call me back (and didn't once again) and he was like "I'm about to go to bed. I'm not coming out tonight. You're drunk anyways. Don't drive home. Just go back to sleep." So I got mad. Cause once again, I was hoping all day that he was going to come out with us. And he didn't. So I decided to come home and vent. I bitched to Andrew and Josh about it while I was drunk. I don't even remember what I said. It was probably really rude. I know I'm being selfish. I mean, TJ has his own shit right now. And I'm just a pain in the ass. I have no justification for any of this. I can barely see the screen, and I'm about to fall out of this chair. But I did succeed at getting hit on by a really old man at the bar. He came up and lit my cigarette for me then proceeded to climb up on Nicole's chair and shake his ass in my face claiming that he had a nice butt. Then he tipped my Smirnoff back while I was attempting to take a drink and it spilled all over me. But I was so drunk at that point in time it didn't matter. I remember telling Nicole that I thought some guy all the way across the bar was hot several times. And then I sorta remember the ride back to Laurie's. I let Nicole drive cause I was shitfaced...and the windows were down. I was talking about how hot I think Jason Mraz is...and one of Andrew's friends...I don't remember. Nicole asked me if I get horny when I'm drunk. I leaned over really far and said, "Yaaaaa". But that's about it. So...

~but this time I'm not going to watch myself die.~

I do remember what happened before I got drunk. Laurie came over while I was getting ready and we talked about a bunch of shit. Like insecurities, and how we feel about our current situations. I'm not going to say what she said...cause that's her shit. But I don't mind sharing my shit...cause it's my site. Basically I opened up about the fact that I really feel awkward and totally out of place being single again. How I thought it was going to be great. But I really just want to stop messing around and playing games. I'm so sick of fucking up and ending up empty handed. I told her how disgusting it made me feel that I shared so many things with Tim when he was obviously not in love with me. And sometimes I think I wasn't even in love with him. I just tried to make it seem that way because I was attempting to make the best out of a bad situation. And now that it's all over, I guess it's easier to see how much of a fool I was. I told her how I feel about this thing with TJ (that's what I'm calling it. A thing) I don't know if it's really going anywhere...and it's just pissing me off more than it's doing any good. I think I'm also exaggerating to an extent. Because I'm scared. I don't want to get hurt again, and so I'm throwing up all kinds of walls. And he's doing the same thing. But he's moving in to his apartment soon. I don't know why but I feel like that might make things better. Just because he'll be living significantly closer, and maybe we'll get to see each other more. I don't know. I'm talking out of my ass. Because in the beginning the purpose of this "thing" was that it was just supposed to be easy. No big commitment or any sort of feelings really. But I'm making a big deal out of it. And I really shouldn't.

~what do I know? Now it seems that I have found nothing wrong. Want to hear your voice out loud. Slow it down. Without it all, I'm choking on nothing. It's clear in my head and I'm screaming for something. Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all.~

Then after that enlightening conversation, we drove seperately to Laurie's cause I had to get gas. So I went to my favorite petroleum vendor. BP! There's this guy who works there. He's there like everytime I stop in. He's this metal guy with long hair and big earrings. I can't even describe it properly. But he gives me the look everytime I'm there. You know...THE LOOK. It's cool. He's not so bad looking. (what the fuck is wrong with me?!?! when did I become attracted to metalhead stoners?? Oh wait. I remember) Anyhow, I walked in to pay for my petrol and purchase a pack of fags, and he gave me the look AGAIN! (he was also listening to Nirvana. HELLO!) So in my head I was tempted to say something smooth like, "hey, my friends and I are going to Players later. You should stop by." and like hand him the celly digits. (this is like raw retard right here) But I'm a lame ass, and I just said, "can you break a hundred?" And of course he did. I cleaned out his drawer which he probably shouldn't have allowed me to. But I'm a hot blonde, and guys like that just can't help themselves. They just surrender too easily. But ya. One of these times I'm gonna have some balls and just walk up to one of these random hot strangers and start up a conversation. But...then I have to think about what I've already started with someone. Specifically TJ...but I don't even understand why that would be an issue. Pause for internal conflict please hold.

~I took advantage of myself and felt fine~

You know, I've discovered the power of primal screaming. I did it on a few occasions while I was in CT. But I definately do it more often now. It was only when I got off the phone with certain people. Actually, it's funny. My brother wanted to use the phone, and I was on it. But I screamed after I hung up. And I heard my mom say, "I think the phone is free Matt." Anyhow, it's become a more frequent habbit. In fact, when I left the theater last night, I ripped out of the parking lot and screamed half of the way home louder than the guy in From Autumn to Ashes which was blaring from my speakers. Damn that was a run-on. Fuck it! I gave up on grammer, proper punctuation and sentence structure a long time ago. And I've been typing for an hour now...haven't gotten anywhere. So I think this is it. I would just like to state that most of this is null and void. I'm still half toasted. Forgive me for I am human. (and a female)

~~

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