04-08-03

~If you don't care then I don't care we're not goin' anywhere.~

So I WAS going to rant and rave once again about people saying that they're going to call and then not follow through. But he called...about 5 seconds before I started typing. I was sitting over at Laurie's...waiting...reading 50 sexy tips for the sack in Cosmo. Which definately does not help the situation. And I got bored so I came home. Then he called at 1:30am. TJ that is. And yes...I think I feel a little more comfortable saying that I've been "seeing" him now. Not even seeing him. We've had a few conversations about it. And there isn't really an explaination for it. We're not dating. We're not an item. We've been hanging out...and we talk. And I attend his family functions. It's good the way it is. No title, no strings. Which is why I feel bad everytime I start to get weird about him calling. There's no need for weirdness. He's not my boyfriend. Or at least that's what I like to tell myself when the weirdness ensues. So ya. SSDD

~who am i to say this situation isn't great?~

So I had another fight with Tim over the phone today. He decided to kick my teeth a little bit harder and inform me that he took off the ring that I gave him several weeks ago. (before we officially broke up) And it seemed like he was almost pissed off that I want it back. Ok, cause I gave him that with the intentions that he would wear it and remember that I loved him. But since that's obviously not the case anymore...then why shouldn't I have it back. I could be a bitch and tell him to send me that fuckin playstation 2 that I wasted so much money on. But no. I asked for the symbol of our so called relationship. I think that's fair. And if he wasn't even fucking wearing it. HELLO! He basically told me that after I left (even though he told me that he DID) he had no intentions of getting back together with me. After all of the shit...nope. I'm not even going there right now. It just proves to me that he is an asshole and doesn't deserve someone like me. I mentioned to my mom this afternoon that I wanted to rip the head off of the teddy bear that he bought for me for Christmas and send it's decapitated lifeless/loveless body to him. And she said, "uhm, although I think what you did in the past was justified (spying etc) THAT would be a little psycho". True. She's right. But the whole time he was stomping on my heart a little harder, I fought so hard not to tell him about TJ. I wanted to. I wanted to soooo bad. But that would be heartless. I could have been 100% brutal and told him the whole story. (which I refuse to devulge here) But, I didn't because it wasn't necessary. I think I made it pretty clear that he's in my little black book. (in my little locked room) At least I can find some comedy in the situation. I was explaining to my mother that I didn't walk away empty handed either. I learned that there are places out there that I can survive in. I won't always be stuck here in armpit north eastern middle america. I'm more confident with a few of my skills. Like driving...which I honestly thought I would have had an accident or two. I actually surprised myself the couple of times when Tim pissed me off and I had nowhere to go but driving around. I learned that place pretty well. And I'm happy to say that I'm comfortable with being single for the first time in 2 years. I can check out guys and not feel guilty. I can date freely if I want. Although I don't really want to. And as for the situation with TJ and I...it's good the way it is for now. I don't want anything more or less. Ok, that's a lie. But I'm happy with it the way it is. I don't feel obligated...but I'm having fun. And that's good.

~why should I care. cause you weren't there when I was scared.~

I chilled at check into cash with laurie and nicole while they were working on nicole's wedding invitations tonight. (It's kind of hard to grasp the fact that Nicole is getting married in June. and I'd like to say that I had a hand in the mix, seeing as the two of them wouldn't have met if it weren't for Kyle and I. At least something good came out of that). Then Laurie and I went to the movies. I swear, I've watched more movies in the past few weeks than I have in my whole life. We saw Dreamcatcher. (once again, it's good to have friends that work at the theatres. Andrew got us in for free) And I'm glad it was a freebee cause I wanted to walk out. I've never walked out on a movie before...but this one was bad. Man eating vagina worms!! Did they not realize that the aliens they created for this film resemble vaginas with multiple rows of teeth? ya. nuff said. I think I'm going to make myself a nice big salad and crawl into bed where I will then eat my salad and sleep until all hours of this afternoon. Since it is now 2:30am and I'm fresh out of things to talk about. I will mention before I go that unfortunately I've picked up a few habits from my stay in CT. Like salad...which no one ever eats in this house. I had to request it from my mother. And then once I had salad...there was no salad dressing because it had all expired. (but she picked up my favorite today/yesterday) Sadly, I'm craving some ranch right now which we do not have. But she bought some turkey and wheat bread (another unfortunate thing) I ate nothing but white bread before I went there...now I find myself craving the wheat. And a few words and phrases that I've caught myself uttering. Like "nice", "bangin", "son of bitch", and "boags". I've been calling semitrucks "tractor trailers" and of course, it's not pop, it's "soda". But I've always said that. Ugh. It's so hard to kick bad habits. Like smoking. That's getting really bad. I'm at a pack and a half a day. Anyhow...I think it's time for salad. SALAD TIME!

~fades away! forget about it!~

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