So what next?


04-05-03~so what, am i not supposed to have an opinion?~

I have a fan club. I am a freaking celebrity. The talk of the town so to speak. I can spend my days cooped up in this house and still there's about 10 people who have made it their business to know the ins and outs of everything I say or do. I can't even attempt to go on with my life like a normal person without hearing something about what I'm doing wrong. And it's starting to get really annoying. 1st of all, I'm fine. Despite the fact that my heart was ripped through like paper and the pieces are so small...it may as well be insignificant and thrown away. I know that I'm falling apart. I know that I sit here everyday like a bump on a log and I've wasted so much time wallowing in my own pity and the money will eventually run out. I know I should be out looking for a job. But that's the one thing that I'm confident enough to say will only take a few days to find. If I had motivation or initiative, I might go and look. But there are so many other things that swim through my head. It's been put on the back burner as the least of my worries.

~and it hurts my soul cause i can't let go.~

First of all, I am a bitch. And I'm always the first to admit it. I don't deny the fact that I fucked Kyle over BIG time. But before I left Ohio, I was under the impression that he was ok. We talked. On several occasions. In fact, it was ME that he ran to when he thought he got his girlfriend pregnant. And I was there for him. I consoled him, I gave him advice, and I told him it would be ok. I told him that no matter what, I was there for him because I was his friend. At the time it hurt. It killed me to know that he was moving on and being intimate with someone else. But I had no right to feel that way and looked past it to be there for him. I even told him that he could call me if he needed to in CT. I ended up calling him on a few occasions from the Journeys that I was transferred to so I wouldn't hurt Tim's feelings. I knew neither of them liked each other. So I called Kyle from a neutral place just to make sure he was alright. I even e-mailed him to say happy birthday. And now that I've been back, I've made several attempts to just have the chance to apologize to him. Since I've been introduced to the same kind of heartbreak that I must have put him through, my sympathy is overwhelming. And all I wanted was just a chance to come to terms with what I did and let him know that I know what I did was wrong. I thought that he had accepted it. That's the way it seemed before he left that night that he was here. He had moved on and had new problems of his own that I wasn't even involved in. He just needed someone to listen. And I was there. But the other night at the show...the first time I've seen him since my return...I was given the cold shoulder. He said nothing to me. And that's ok. I understand that his girlfriend doesn't like me. I wouldn't like me either if I were in her shoes. What girl ever really likes their boyfriends X? But when Kirsten took it upon herself to inform me that I wasn't allowed to stand where I was standing (to get a better view of the band that I went to see) because I was making things worse. I was making things uncomfortable for Kyle...excuse me??? so why couldn't he say that? and was I really making Kyle uncomfortable? or was I making his girlfriend uncomfortable and therefor bothering him??? Cause last I heard...Kyle had moved on. New girlfriend, etc. And if I bother his girlfriend that much...she must have some serious trust issues. I know Kyle wouldn't do that to her. I wouldn't let him. And those are definately NOT my intentions. I thought I made that clear. I'm sorry that I was attempting to salvage what was left of a year and a half of being best friends. I'm sorry that I wanted to make ammends with a man who I treated horribly and fully admit to my mistake. So I'm not allowed to speak to him. Let alone, stand 10 feet away from him. And if this isn't about the girlfriend (which I believe and would bet money that it is) then it's about him not getting over the past. So then I was mistaken, and misinformed. But in my opinion, if our past is still haunting him...then why the hell is he torturing her with it? If it still hurts that much, then you shouldn't be hurting her in turn. I'm not saying that I'm an expert on relationships. In fact if I was...then I wouldn't have failed at all of my attempts, and I wouldn't be single. But it just seems wrong to me. The whole thing. And I'm not satisfied with the way this is turning out. But other people (the fan club) seem to think that I should just shut my mouth and let it go. Avoid him at all costs. Because I fucked it up so I'm not allowed to have a hand in fixing it. Everyone seems to have an opinion. Well, I'll let you know now, I think you're wrong. But I'm so disgusted with the situation. The possiblities of what's really true are ridiculous, and it makes me sick. So tired of everyone else sticking their nose in. Cause in my opinion, what's happened between Kyle and I is between the two of us. Not our friends. And certainly not his girlfriend. It's not that I don't respect the fact the she is his girlfriend. I don't respect the fact that (if I'm right and it IS all about her not being comfortable with him talking to me)that she's too self absorbed to let the man that she supposedly loves have a chance to settle a bad situation. And if it's not that. Then I don't respect the fact that Kyle has taken our problems and turned them into somebody else's.

~everyday is so wonderful then suddenly it's hard to breathe.~

I have a history of drama. It follows me no matter where I go. No matter what I do. Like I said before, I spend all day in this house where the only 4 men who I have ever been able to really trust reside. My father, my brother, my Tigger and my Bear. I sleep for most of the day, and don't even go out until all hours of the night. The only people that I've really hung out with have been Laurie and TJ. I talk to Ben online (actually saw him for the first time since I've been home, tonight). And that's it. And yet it's been nonstop drama. If it isn't one thing, then I'm screaming at Tim over the phone. There's drama 800 miles away that I have yet to deal with cause he's avoiding my phone calls and not replying to e-mails. In some way, I'm almost glad. Cause yes, it hurts. But it's given me the chance to really look at it all in retrospect. And I'm seeing things I didn't notice before. Things that just give me more and more reason to be satisfied with my decision. I'm not saying I wouldn't take it back. I would take it all back if given the chance. And I would start again. I would not have broken up with Kyle. I would have worked things out. And if it came to breaking up, I would have taken it a lot slower. I would have never spoken to Tim before I had my life straightened out. Then when I did speak to Tim. It would depend upon the fact of whether or not he could respect my choice not to be with someone who places pot above everything else...but I definately wouldn't have slept with him. At least not when I did. And if he could respect me then I think things would be a whole lot different. But, that's all just imaginary. And slowly, I swear, every last one of these things will be dealt with. Even the things I have chosen not to include here. Everything will be settled, and everyone will mind their own business. I'll try until it kills me.

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