Opening Day
4-4-2005
	I watched the first Red Sox/Yankees game of the season with Ryan last night. The game was ugly but time spent with Ry is always time well spent. I'm squeezing him in as much as possible. Even ditching out on other things because I know he can use time away from his situation and because I'm attempting to treat every minute we're spending together like the last. (Sounds a little crazy) It's shitty knowing that he's leaving in 2 months. I don't know if it's going to work out for him there and he doesn't either. So it's a 50/50 chance I'll never see him again and I don't like that idea. God I know he needs to get out of here. It's just so hard. I put a lot of thought into it and for as much as I love Ry, I don't know. I hate the way things are. I hate the way it all went down and so does he. I hate that he thinks things will work out with Cassi now after telling me time and time again that he had been so hurt by her and he couldn't believe that someone like me existed because she treated him so badly. I'm frustrated because I can't be what he wants right now. He can't be what I want...And even though he's offered (quasi-jokingly)...And even though I'd like to...I don't think I could be okay with a friends + physical relationship with him. His argument is that I've slept with someone before without feelings for that person and without being in a relationship with that person so why couldn't we sleep together without all that extra stuff? I couldn't explain before but I thought about it and 1st of all, the guy that I slept with was not currently "involved" with anyone else and neither was I. He's a huge jerk and I can't explain to you WHY I slept with him but I wouldn't do it again. And most importantly, I never really wanted to be in a relationship with that guy. It was a horrible experience. Ryan, on the other hand, is someone that is currently "involved" in not one but two relationships. (Whether he wants to admit it or not) He's living with Erin and they're dependent upon one another. She seems to think that there's something going on there or she wouldn't get so upset that he hangs out with me. (Which was the same thing vice versa when I was with Ryan and she wasn't) So whether or not he wants to believe it...it's something. And the plan is that he's moving back East late May or early June to be with Cassi. They've been carrying on a long distance relationship for months now. And now I'm caught up with my "boyfriends" or so they've been dubbed even though I'm not really with any of them...I do care about Shane and I would feel horrible if I went and slept with my X boyfriend for the hell of it behind his back. Plus the fact that...Ryan may feel about me the way he feels toward Erin (impartial??? unattached?) I don't know. I know he cares about me and I know he loves me to some degree (we were together for awhile...it's hard not to have love for someone after what we went through...and he's found something wrong with all the guys I've been dating. Of course, they're not him. Then again, I've also found something wrong with all of them. OF COURSE...) But I know he cares about Erin similarly and I know he's leaving to be with Cassi. So why would I sleep with him knowing that my feelings are definitely much stronger and in the long run, I'd only end up hurt again? It's just not logical. This is me trying to talk myself out of it. I love Ry to death. And if and when he ever comes back, I would hope he'd hunt me down. I know I'll miss him even if it's only his friendship. But I'm a sucker and even though I said I wouldn't, if he wanted, I'd probably take him back AGAIN because there's always the possibility of a person growing and changing over time. As for now, I don't know what I should think. I don't know what I should do. I'm definitely going to stop worrying about it though. Just stop thinking about wanting to be with him entirely because he's leaving and I can't stop him and if I don't stop thinking about it, it'll break my heart even worse when he goes. Eh, that'll happen no matter what. I feel bad for Erin because I know it'll suck for her too. Yeah, that's some sympathy for the boyfriend thief. I hate her for doing it and I hate him for what he did but I'm glad because I'm not the one sleeping in the same bed with him every night knowing that he's thinking about being somewhere else with someone else. SO HA ERIN! That's what you get! It's all about the game. And she may think she won that game but when it comes down to it, the season has only begun and ultimately, Boston will win the series.
~ROLLER COASTER OF LOVE!
	I thought I'd finally gotten rid of Will. Shit hit the fan last week and we got into a huge fight over the phone. He told my cousin's husband that he was never going to call me again and when I found out I thought, "Awesome. That's one less guy to worry about." Then I remembered he had a cd of mine. Not cool. I don't like loaning my things to other people. I never get them back...or when I do, they're ruined. I didn't really have a choice in that situation. He already had the damn cd in his hand when he said, "Hey I'm gonna borrow this for awhile." I didn't want to sound like a bitch and say no. Plus, I have a book of his. I didn't even want to borrow it. He brought it with him one day and suggested that I read it. Although I wasn't really interested, I obliged by holding onto the damn thing for the last month. So Saturday afternoon, Nicole and I took a trip out to Super Wally World where we had an extremely random encounter with, of all people, Gregorio. I haven't seen the guy in over a year so it was awkward and ridiculous. But I've found that I no longer shake uncontrollably in his presence. He's lost some weight which is strange cause he was always a bit of a beef cake. And he had his kids with him. Little Greg is humungous! He was an itty bitty baby the last time I saw him and now he's gotta be 2 years old. Abby is huge. She's almost as tall as Nicole. Weird. Why? I used to think Greg was intimidating. He was my x-con crazy ghetto Mexican experience. But running into him...he looked at me the way I used to look at Kyle when I was overwhelmed and ashamed for what I'd done to him and didn't think I deserved to look him in the eyes. He was weak. He was domestic with his shopping cart and children. I almost felt bad for him. I know his kids mean the world to him and they're beautiful but I know he wishes he'd done things differently. Don't we all? Anyhow, after that lovely run in, we headed back to the house and as Nicole went through the drive thru for some late lunch I thought, what better time then now to call and see if Will's home since we're about to drive past there anyway. He was so we stopped by. I can't help but to bullshit with this boy. He's a huge mess but he can be fun. I don't like the level our relationship went to. That's something I wish had been different. It's too late now. So we had a short discussion about what had happened. Basically...a bunch of shit. There's no reason for us to hate each other over it. So he gave me my cd and asked about his book. Told him he can stop by and get it. And we both decided that it's okay for us to just be cool and be friends. Stop flipping out on each other because I don't want to be in a boyfriend situation with him and he couldn't seem to get that through his head. Whatever. I don't mind him hanging around every once in awhile because I see through his "I'm a musician and I should see stars in your eyes when you look at me" bullshit. He's a conceited bastard and that's fine. That's him.
~Everything means nothin' if I aint got you.
	I had another "date" with Ben...I haven't talked to him since. He told me that he wanted to hang out on Sunday and he called twice on Saturday but I missed the first call, ignored the second and never called him back. I don't like him. And I figure that there's a few directions I could go with this. A: In attempts to not look like a bitch I could call and tell him that I either lost my phone or that I left it in the office all weekend. But then what? How could I get rid of him after that? or B: I could just continue not to call him and look like a bitch. Who cares right?! or C: I could take Nicole's suggestion and e-mail him in a few days and say, "I'm sorry Ben. yadda yadda some lie about getting back together with an X boyfriend." That way I get out of it and he won't feel so hurt because it doesn't necessarily mean that there's anything wrong with him. I'm just a fool and it's too bad so sad move on. This sounds like the best plan and honestly, I've done it before...I was telling the truth that time though. I just don't like to hurt feelings. Ugh. I'm such a girl. Guys are jerks all the time and don't call. Why can't I do that rather than taking the time to think up and execute some crazy plan?! Gaww!
I feel 40 kinds of sadness when you're gone.
	Finally, Shane (aka Shang, Stain, Train etc.) I had a feeling something was going on Saturday night when he drank himself into oblivion and puked in, on, and out of my poor Jeep. We went to some party and met up with Kyle. That was definitely out of the ordinary. Getting trashed with your 1st love who was always a good boy. It's odd to look at him in such a different light but I thought it was a good time. Nicole informed me later that when I left Sunday to watch the game with Ryan, Shane confessed some issues to her. We already knew but he explained that he's really into me and he's not so sure that the feeling is mutual. He thinks that, after Saturday, I'm going to try and get back together with Kyle. Okay, we've gone over this before. A: Kyle and I were together a very long time ago. We were kids and completely different people. B: Kyle is now moving away in a month and C: Kyle's current girlfriend is really hot. I've been told that she's nuts and likes to make out with girls (a lot) but he brags about her all the time. I'm not saying that the two of them won't have a lasting relationship but it's highly unlikely and EVEN IF THEY DON'T, I still don't see myself with Kyle anymore. I'm not his uber tan, uber trendy, mall employee type anymore. He's not my sweet innocent Kyle anymore. PLUS, I screwed him over. Remember?! Don't you think it's possible he might not want to get himself involved in that situation again? Not that I'd do it again...but...anyhow. Shane and I had a conversation about the Ryan situation when I came home from work bawling on Friday. This was the night that I had discussed the idea of fuck buddies with Ry and then drove home listening to John Mayer. Bad plan! My brain was fried from thinking about Ry and my physicality. Between that and the sappy lyrics...Yeah. Bad plan! But since we talked about it, Shane doesn't seem to think that Ry is a threat. No. He thinks Kyle is a threat! I don't even know why he's worried about other guys when I've never really even told him how I feel about him. I don't even know how I feel about him. I like him. He's nice. I enjoy his company. We have a lot in common and we laugh. He gets along with my friends. He's helpful. He cleaned up after himself when he yacked in my Jeep. He's thoughtful, considerate...but aren't they all at first? Is it likely he'll continue to be this person once things settle down? It's possible he could but I'm missing one thing that's kind of important. I'm still not getting the spark. No tingle. No jolt. No fireworks. No chemistry. It's flat line. It's DOA. He doesn't come on to me. He doesn't really touch me much at all. It's like, "Hey I'm here and I'm cute and nice and that's all you get." I just...I've got to have some masculinity. I like the tingle. I like fireworks. I came to the conclusion a few weeks ago that it's probably best if I stay single until Ry leaves anyhow. It'll just be easier that way. Plus, I'm enjoying single life honestly. Nicole and I discussed how nice it was not having to think about or worry about having to call someone or them calling us. There's no obligation and I think that's something I never understood. Ryan and TJ both tried to convince me many many times that you're more likely to stay interested in someone if you don't constantly feel obligated to them. It's like checking in with your parents. When I was younger, I had to call home if plans changed. I had to let them know where I'd be and who I'd be with all the damn time and it pissed me off to no end. What did it matter? I was a good kid. There was no reason for them to watch over me like that. See...same thing. Now I can understand why you should feel obligated to your parents in that way but once you're an adult, you should never feel obligated to someone like that. I get it now. I get it. Whether Ry, Kyle, Will, Ben or anyone else were in the picture or not And although I like Shane and I'd be upset if he wasn't around at all, I just don't want to feel obligated. I DO WHAT I WANT!