04-03-03

~i keep going right back to the one thing that I need to walk away from.~

I'm writing this on the evening of the 2nd. The entry that I posted for the 2nd was written at the wee hours of this morning. So I'm just putting the 3rd on this cause it's 11pm and I probably won't finish it until about 2am. Just to clear up the fact that I'll say today and mean the 2nd not the third. Ok, now that that's settled.

So I set myself up for disappointment twice today. Not too proud of that. I got a note from the post office yesterday saying they tried to drop something off for me but no one was here to sign for it. So it was important. Certified mail...and I jumped to conclusions. I started imagining that it could be a letter from Tim. Maybe his apology. Maybe an I want you back letter. But when I picked it up today I discovered it was only my last checks from Gem Jewelry. Don't get me wrong. Money is cool. But it wasn't what I wanted it to be. And instead it was just another slap in the face. Hello Laura, it's your last check from a place you actually enjoyed working at. In a state that you enjoyed living in. With a guy that you were in love with...smack smack smack! Anyhow, Laurie and I ran all kinds of errands. Post office, Pearle Vision, Dairy Queen (ok, not an errand) Tried to go to the bank. It was closed. Then we went back to the house and watched...Seinfeld and Friends and That 70's show, and half of american idol. Then we watched Donnie Darko again. Well, I watched some. I left 1/3 of the way through. Cause I need to start going to bed before 4am. Anyways, sorry, I keep getting sidetracked. I'm trying to have an argument with TJ on IM and type at the same time. So ya, Laurie and Andrew and I have agreed that the soundtrack from that movie is bitchin'. And Andrew was playing one of the songs from it on the computer and dancing around and singing along with it. It was quite entertaining. There was a whole discussion about neck licking...that came from a friends episode. and I ended up being attacked by laurie's dog. She tried to eat my hemp necklace. And in turn, licked my neck several times. But I'm not the only one that Maggie molests. I have 15 minutes left to finish this pack and I'm up to 2 packs a day! woo hoo. Moving on. Laurie and I also had several discussions about the fact that I'm not getting any...and it's frustrating. And I'm listening to Christina Aguilera. This song called get mine, you get yours. It should be in a porn. But it's just jabbing that thought into my head. What a shame.

~so what are you waiting for?~

This brings me to the 2nd disappointment. I came home from Laurie's and found a nice big envelope from UPS. Inspected it. Found it to be posted from CT. Thought for a moment. It could just be those bills that Tim was supposed to send to me. But it also could be that imaginary letter that I keep expecting. So I opened it. And it was just the bills. Of course. SMACK! (that was the sound of my hand connecting with my forehead) I'm just dumb sometimes. Sorry...lost track again. Strange conversation with TJ about the wild night he had in Canada. Strippers and gambling. Nice. (God Pamela rubbed off on me. This girl I worked with at Gem used to say "nice" about everything) Ok, totally off track. Cause the conversation took a strange turn. What was I saying? Oh, so the set up for disaster is just me...once again...jumping to conclusions. And being stupid to think that he still cares. I like to think that soon, this will all pan out. And he'll call. And it will all be ok. Reality check. (now that TJ is taking a break for a smoke and leaving me to actually pay attention to what I'm thinking) I broke up with him. I hurt his feelings. And I'm expecting a written apology...or for him to respond to what I write here. I think I am insane. But I do still wish he would be smart about it. But I'm a moron. So what does it matter?

~couldn't see through the smoke...I've been licking my wounds. letting the venom sink deeper.~

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