Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold


04-02-03

~don't let the world bring you down~

And once again, I feel like shit. My eating habits are dwindling. I think I ate all of a bologna sammich today. Oh, and a fudge bar about 5 minutes ago. I thought putting a little sugar in my bloodstream would help. But all that accomplished was getting my fingers sticky, and making my teeth hurt. The hands are shaking as usual. Other than that. Let's see, I've thought a lot today about what I said to Tim. And yes, I'm having regrets. I was cold. And I'm sure he's hurt. But dammit, how do you think it felt when after being clean for over three months, he turned around and started smoking pot again. Right in front of my fucking face. How do think it felt when I found that fucking website, and all the messages he sent to random fucking girls asking to meet up with him sometime? And that's only scratching the fucking surface. Pain? That word doesn't even begin to describe what I feel. But I guess the worst part about it is that I know exactly what he's doing to ease his pain. Surrounding himself in a cloud of fucking marijuana smoke. And that hurts the most. Because I feel like I'm driving him to it. I just hope he realizes that no matter how much he smokes to get away from real emotion...it's gonna hurt worse when he comes down from his fucking high. Why can't people just deal with their fucking problems instead of hiding from them?

~Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there, with open arms and open eyes.~

So, TJ called tonight (while I was at Laurie's watching Donnie Darco) to inform me that he got a speeding ticket. $85 that he was planning on using for gas to the show on Thursday. So now he doesn't think he can drive. But, being the nice person that I am, I offered. Cause A: I can't ride with Kirsten (she has a full car) and B: I'm not going alone. There's just too much potential for drama at this show (considering the people who are going) and I would prefer having someone to talk to. I kinda feel bad for the situation TJ's in. He said that money is tight. And he's trying to pay for school, and an apartment. He's a good guy. And he's been a very good friend lately, considering my situation and my current state of mind. (he and Laurie and Ben have been a God send) His birthday is tomorrow...and I can't think of anything good to get for him on my limited budget. I should ask him what he wants...he's on IM.

~lately I've been thinking of combustication as a welcome vacation from the burdens of the planet earth, like gravity, hypocracy and the perils of being in 3d but thinking so much differently.~

So that Donnie Darco movie was badass. It was twisted. A nice escape for two hours. I would recommend it. In fact, I think it's one of my top ten. I smoke too much. damn. Laurie made a good point of that this evening. She says she needs to cool it with the cigarettes. Cause she wakes up gagging in the morning. Amen! I should have quit a long time ago. Before it became a habit. We watched 8 mile. Second time I've seen it in the past two days. I really think Eminem has the potential to be hot. But he ruins it with his attitude. (another good point laurie made that i agree with) ugh. I'm getting tired. I've been trying to finish this and converse with TJ and Ben on IM all at the same time. I was talking to TJ about his birthday and the show, and to Ben about an author we both like. It's so confusing. I'm jumping from topic to topic.

~don't run away if you wanna stay cause i aint here to make ya. oh no.~

Put on some Sublime to get the energy back. Ok. Anyhow, the ultimate point I think I was trying to convey here is that I am hurting. And this is really hard for me. And I've been writing all kinds of hate poetry and just hurtful things. And that's not how I want to be. This was todays yuckiness.

Then again
on the other hand
I didn't know what love could be
without you by my side
you were everything to me
but was once so beautiful
has now turned to shit.
You showed me what heartbreak really was
and I'll never trust anyone again.
even though I've cried
because of your selfishness
I continued to be selfless
and begged for your forgiveness
when you were the one
who should have been on your knees
and that's the way it will be
now that I dropped you like the bad habit
you could never lose for me.
and when you decide that it's worth your pride
to give up and start again
that's when you can crawl to me.
and I'll consider giving you
the love that you once had.
you blew it for something so stupid
so you'll have to earn it this time.

and then i scribbled something about 4:20 loser...grow up and be a man. You know. Nothing too hateful. I'm sure that statement will make him appreciate the way I feel. But once again. I refuse to let him play the victim this time. That's just bullshit. And I know he doesn't have the balls to face the truth and realize his mistakes. He won't try and fix it. That's just the way he is. It's always all about him. So I'm not expecting that phone call anytime soon. "I miss you. And I know I'm wrong." Too much pride to admit when he's the asshole. And if he wants to pretend like the love is gone. He can lie to himself. Cause I know he's hurting just as much as I am. Whether he admits it or not. But I'm stuck back in the armpit of america, and I've gotta make the best of a bad situation. So the job search/1st step towards admitting that I will forever be lost in Lima, OH begins tomorrow. No more dark prince coming to rescue me. What a pity. We really could have had something. I thought we did.

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